His Innocent Secret

IX. Light

I was already in tenth grade when I first showed improvements in my grades. After being an average student for so long, who would have thought that after all, ang anak ng corporate genius na si Alfredo Gererra, at ng isa sa pinaka-gifted sa buong pilipinas na si Alexandria Ynnigo-Gererra ay mana nga rin naman talaga sa mga magulang niya? All those years, people always wondered why I wasn’t as smart as my parents. Ano raw ba ang meron ako na kayang pumantay sa narating ng mga magulang ko. I remembered mom’s face after I showed her my record. It was telling me that the moment she had been waiting for has arrived. That her patience with me was finally beginning to be rewarded.

That it will only take a little while before her dream for me would finally come to life.

But then, I also remembered papa. Hindi man lang niya tiningnan. He dismissed it as if a stranger has just showed him the latest chika about some random celebrity, taking another phone call without even excusing himself. On the outside, I was showing them that I took the improvement as a normal thing. Na inaasahan ko rin naman na hindi maglalaon, my potential will have its own way of revealing itself. Na para bang nakuha ko ang lahat ng iyon nang walang kahirap-hirap and none of this was a big deal.

But as I locked the door in my room, I just lost it. I just felt so tired. All those sleepless nights that I spent trying to catch up with everyone and be one step ahead was slowly killing all the positivity I should have had. Hindi ko na nga rin alam kung saan ba ako humugot ng kapal ng mukha. Halos sa lahat na lang ng teachers nagpapansin ako, just so they could see me, just so they could like me. Para kung ano mang magandang marka ang ilagay nila para sa akin, magiging magaan ito sa loob nila.

Nothing that I have achieved has been natural, sadyang desperada lang talaga ako. And somehow, when papa showed that he never cared, parang sinampal ang katotohanang iyon sa pagmumukha ko. You’re not extraordinary, Rynn. Isa ka lamang trying hard genius na pilit ipinagsisiksikan ang sarili niya sa mundong hindi naman para sa kanya.

And then came senior high, and later, Kuya Jasper arrived. He showed me everything I never was. Everything I wished to be. Ngunit sa halip na mas lalong malugmok dahil may bagong pumasok sa buhay ko na magpapamukha sa akin kung gaano ako ka walang kwenta, hindi ko alam, but his presence somehow motivated me. All of a sudden, may taong dumating na napakagaling ngunit napakabait, napakamapagbigay, napakamatulungin and he was always there for everyone. And then along with that was his natural skills, and I thought, kaya siguro ako hindi masaya sa kung ano ang ibinigay sa akin ay dahil sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko. Dahil sa isang aspeto ng mundo lang ako nakatingin.

He made learning a lot more fun for me, challenging the skills I’ve learned while not boasting his own. He also seemed naturally interested with the knowledge I got from books. All of a sudden, hindi na ganun ka-pilit ang pag-aaral para sa akin. Isa sa nagpabuhay ng kalooban ko ay tuwing naiisip ko na kinabukasan, kailangang may baon akong magpapa-impress kay kuya; kailangang may trivia akong dala na makakapagpamangha sa kanya. And then it would just seem like both of us are playing a little game of wits in school.

But then I crossed the line. I began to like him. Worse, I began asking questions.

I also used to respect his privacy. Alam naming lahat na hindi kami tatalikuran ni kuya Jasper tuwing kailangan namin siya, but beyond that, he preferred his own company. I learned a thing or two about introverts and I understand that it is how they recharge, that all these energy could also be draining for them. Ang kaso, I began to delude myself that somehow, I can be special enough to break his walls and let him open up.

Nakalimutan kong hindi nga pala ako extraordinary— hindi pala ako katulad ni mama at ni papa. I’m nothing special, not even to someone as sympathetic and as kind as kuya Jasper. At the end of the day, I’m just like everyone else.