Flowers for You (DaiSuga Hanahaki)

Really, I'm Not That Great

     "Daichi, I have something to tell you," Suga murmured. He could feel the heat in his face that spread up to his ears. This was it. This was the moment of truth. "I uh... I like you. As more than a friend. Yeah..."

     Suga waited for a response. He only stared harder at the ground. 'Great, it's all out in the open now. No more hiding,' he thought. 'No regrets.'

     "Koushi."

     Suga looked up. He wanted Daichi to use his first name, but the way he said it now... it didn't feel right. It felt wrong.

     "I'm guessing it's a no then." Suga felt hot tears prick at the corners of his eyes. It was an answer he had been trying to brace himself for, but damn did it sting. He almost wanted to take it back, but no regrets.

     "And to think I was playing this long with... with some... some..."

     "Daichi I-"

     "I don't wanna hear it. Goodbye, Sugawara-san."

III

     "Suga-san, is it really true what you told to Daichi? Are you really gay?" Hinata asked. 

     "Yeah, Suga-san." Nishinoya crossed his arms. 

     "Please tell me you were joking, right? You were just joking." Asahi mumbled. "I don't know what I'd do if you were actually gay."

     "Guys, please," Suga begged. He was starting to cry. He thought he might be fine. He had taken Saeko's words to heart, and he paid the price. They weren't fine with it. No, far from it.

     "Aww, are you gonna start crying Sugawara-san?" Tsukishima sneered. "Pathetic."

~~~

     Suga slowly opened his eyes. He was crying. His pillow was wet. How much more pathetic could he be? Daichi had to carry him back to his own bed. He rolled over and checked the time, 1:17 a.m. At least it was a weekend. Instead of trying to clean himself up, he curled up and hugged one of his pillows. Maybe he would allow himself to be a little pathetic. He quietly sobbed into the pillow until he thought he had cried out all the moisture in his eyes.

     Fuck. I'm pathetic. Even if a confession didn't ruin everything, Daichi wouldn't ever want to be with someone as weak as I am. Suga wanted to scream, but his throat was still sore and he didn't want to risk waking anyone. Nothing close to what it was yesterday, but it wouldn't be worth the pain. He reached over and felt for his phone. 5 missed calls and 10 texts? What the hell did I miss?

Hinata
Thursday

Hey Suga-san!

I don't know exactly what's going on, but Nishinoya told me 
you weren't coming in today because you got sick :(
Hope you feel better soon!

Asahi
Thursday

Get well soon, Suga!

Ennoshita

Yesterday

Sorry you're not feeling good. I hope you get feeling better soon.
Practice is a mess without you.
Come back soon or else I think Daichi might turn grey before graduation

Nishinoya and Tanaka
Yesterday

Noya: Sugawara-san! Get better soon!

Tanaka: Yeah! We missed you at practice the last couple of days!

Daichi
Today

Sorry for just barging in on you yesterday. Hopefully you start feeling better
soon and the stuff I got you helps.
If you just need someone to be around I can always come over again
Being alone and sick at the same time sucks

     Suga wanted to throw his phone at the wall but realized it would be a bad idea to break the only means of communication he had with his friends outside of meeting them in person. Instead, he opted to just stare at the messages until he started to get restless. It wasn't even 2:00 yet. Then Suga realized that Daichi had to have texted him earlier if the message was from today.

     "Goddamit Daichi!" He yelled at his phone. He got the urge to scream again, but he didn't want to wake up his family. "Asshole."

Daichi

Today

Thanks again for coming over. I'm really 
sorry you had to see me like that 
I'm feeling a lot better, so I'll probably see you on Monday.

~~~

     No matter what Sugawara did to try and distract himself, he couldn't get the nightmare out of his head. Real or not, he couldn't get the disgusted look on Daichi's face out of his head. And it sucked. He tried to remind himself of what Saeko had told him, that feelings were feelings and there was nothing wrong with it. He tried to tell himself that he wouldn't ruin his friendship with Daichi if he ended up coming out. Daichi was a good guy. He cared enough to see Suga while he was sick. Would all of that change if he found out Suga was gay? Maybe.

     Despite their long friendship, Suga and Daichi had never really talked about who they liked or relationships in general. It never seemed important enough to talk about when there was volleyball and school and life in general. He had no idea if Daichi would care if he was gay or not. He resisted the urge to just text Daichi and ask. 

     I'm being ridiculous. I don't think I'd even have the guts to ask him out. What am I getting so worked up over? I should just stop worrying cause like hell I'd be able to ask in the first place. There's nothing for me to worry about if I just never ask. Suga's heart hurt at the idea of never confessing to Daichi. It wasn't what he wanted, but he couldn't lie to himself. He was a coward, he couldn't even be home alone for a night or else he'd start to get really paranoid. There wasn't enough courage in his body to confess. Besides, it was probably for the better. If Suga's nightmare had any base in reality, keeping the team together was more important than a stupid confession.