On top of the world

It's All In My Head

(back to Lyubov's POV now)

I was trying to understand how Yuzuru was feeling after he mumbled those words in Japanese. But the most I could sense was conflict. Ambivalence.

Perhaps it was just that. He couldn't sort out exactly how he felt about me. Or maybe he can actually read minds, figured out that I was an empath, and was trying his best to muddle his feelings in front of me...for some particular reason I could not figure out. As it turns out, my empath "ability" is actually rather weak, considering how long I have been trying to suppress it. It's only because the ability hurts me whenever I see someone in pain, especially if I had inflicted that pain myself on that someone. This is not ideal for me considering the fact that I want to possibly go into orthopedic surgery someday. 

And perhaps it was these feelings and thoughts that were distracting me from paying attention to whatever Brian was telling me to do. 

"Lyuba." Brian snapped his fingers in front of my face. I hate when people do that, but I couldn't exactly blame him for his irritation at me since I was the one not paying attention to him. "Where are you right now? I need to see you run your free program please."

"O-Ok sir--Brian, sir," I said, then quickly scampered away to get into my starting position. Brian just curtly nodded after me, but I could still see that he was hiding a small chuckle at my nervous antics.

When the music started, my whole body felt tense, completely unlike how I was before Brian began his lesson with me. I executed a very tight double Axel with not much height and barely landed it. 

Then I raced across the rink to do my triple Lutz + triple toe combination. I underrotated and fell on my triple Lutz. Luckily, I landed on a padded body part. I continued to a triple flip. I fell again, but at least it was fully rotated. Still, I was aware that my head wasn't really in the game. 

I leapt into a flying sit spin, but my spin was going way too slow as I couldn't find the rocker on my blade to spin on, so I kept teeter-tottering back and forth on my blade. I couldn't finish 8 revolutions on one position. That spin would only be a level 3 at best, I thought dejectedly.

I began my step sequence, trying to give my all to the performance. I got so into it that I tripped on a turn and almost fell flat on my face. That was the last straw for me. I started to cry, but I kept going because I had to. I knew I probably looked ridiculous and that other skaters were probably mentally laughing at me, but I. Had. To. Keep. Going.

Suddenly, the music stopped when I was in the middle of my step sequence. I faltered for a half-second, but I kept going. Even after I heard Brian call my name 3 times, I still kept going. I only stopped after he skated up to me and physically stopped me.

"Lyuba! You are not yourself today; what is going on?" Brian interrogated me as he held my quivering shoulders. I could not look him in the eyes. I couldn't face him. I was disappointed in myself. 

Javi and Yuzuru meekly approached us to ask what was going on, but Brian shooed them away.

"Did you not get enough rest last night? Did you eat something out of the ordinary? Are you on your period?" Brian asked me. 

I shook my head violently and gasped for air. "I-I--I w-want-t-t t-to t-try ag-gain."

Brian shook his head at me. "No Lyuba, you are going to take a rest now."

"P-pl-please?"

"No. I am going to let you go on break now, take Katya early, and resume the lesson with you after I'm done with her. I want you to rest both your mind and your body. Stay off of your phone for at least 15 minutes. You can ice your bottom if necessary. Reflect on what you just did and know that I expect better--much better--than what you just put out here for me this morning. I don't expect you to be perfect all the time, but I do expect you to be committed 100%. So please go to the locker room and recharge." Brian brought me to the hockey box, grabbed some tissues from my skate bag, and handed them to me. 

I nodded and took them gratefully. "Stay off your phone; I mean it!" Brian warned me. Then he skated away to coach Katya.

What should I do during my 15 minute break? I thought to myself. 

I eventually decided to pray and meditate. I set a timer for 15 minutes, plopped down onto a bench inside the locker room, and closed my eyes while taking deep breaths that eventually slowed down and became more relaxed.

It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds before someone burst into the locker room, causing my eyes to fly open. It was him.

Yuzuru seemed to sense that he had interrupted something I was doing and started to back away, but I called out to him. "Don't leave, please."

To my very pleasant surprise, he chose to listen to me. "You okay?" he asked me, as he walked over to me.

He started patting me on the back and I hiccupped. He giggled and I blushed, looking away. "So...what happen?" he probed gently. 

I wouldn't open my mouth, for I feared that if I did, the tears would fall once more. I hated myself for getting distracted by those words I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand why I couldn't simply put my feelings aside and put everything I had into my training like Yuzuru does every day. Yet...

Yuzuru is here.

I wondered at this abnormal behavior. At the same time, I also wondered how much time had passed since I came into the locker room because I didn't want to miss Brian's lesson. Thinking about Brian made me realize I was supposed to be giving my brain a rest. But Yuzuru being here was making my brain work in overdrive. Still, I didn't want him to leave. I needed him to answer the question I had.

"Wh-what were y-you saying b-before Brian came in?"

Yuzuru's eyes widened. He proceeded to berate himself in Japanese (so it seemed), though I wasn't exactly sure why. Then, he answered in English, "I...rather not say."

"Why not?" I asked him with a mischievousness glint in my watery eyes. "Does it translate into something dirty?"

"NO!" Yuzuru wailed, and I started laugh-crying. "Is...just...no proper."

"You wanna use my app?" I held out my phone to him.

The man still looked unsure, but he repeated the words he spoke to me earlier. "You look like an angel who fell from the sky."

I drew a breath and it hitched. "Um...is that a quote? From a book, or a movie?"

"No." Yuzuru looked like he wanted to shrink into nonexistence. Now it's my turn to make him feel better.

"Well, I like it anyway," I said, boldly slinging an arm around his shoulder. "Thank you for telling me," I whispered into his ear. I had no idea where this sudden courage was coming from. Maybe it came due the fact that he literally compared me to a divine being?!

"Ok," Yuzuru said. "But I don't want you to get the wrong idea. We're just friends, you know?"

Though my heart longed for something else, I temporarily placed those feelings in the back of my mind to reassure him. "You're right. Friends." 

I then checked the time. It was time for me to continue my lesson. "Thank you for spending your break with me Yuzuru; I feel better already!" I waved and headed out.

ehhh definitely not my best chapter but ya know the Rona situation is getting to all of us, and we unfortunately can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but we'll get there someday! I hope :( stay safe, stay healthy, be blessed <3