To Afentikó

Clensing

We sat in the chairs of the small table situated in the far corner of the diner.

We made no eye contact, no one said anything, we didnt even greet eachother. We just sat, no food only a cup of coffee each.

"You were all I knew, I was old enough to know what was good and what was bad when you were born Ally and you know how they say you dont know if you'll be a good parent until you are a parent?" I look up and her eyes were set on me, stone face, no emotion, hands interlocked, elbows on the table and Lana was leaning in closer to Ally as if to hide from what ever it was that was gonna come out of this.

  "When mom told me I was gonna be a big brother I wanted you to be a boy so bad, some one to play sports with, some one I could pass on all my knowledge to and then she said you would be a girl." I chuckle a little remembering the moment

"I was mad. Until she explained that it would be a good thing, that teaching you all those things would make me feel so much better about your accomplishments, that you would look up to me, that you would come to me when ever something was wrong. And she was right." Ally's face softens a little but her body stays stiff.

"Every time you cried, laughed, yelled, or just leaned on me for anything I felt like that's what I was meant to be. A big brother, your best friend, your protector. But then it all went downhill." Ally's hands move to hold Lana's and my eyes moved to her.

"I know I don't trully know you Lana, but when I found out who you were. When I figured out that Ally wasnt the only one affected by me not being around I felt like I had failed both of you. And I pulled away more then I had already." A tear slips from Lana's face and I know that with what shes been going through this wasn't gonna be easy for her.

 
  "Our father was sick and I didnt know this till after he died, he was schizophrenic and had bipolar disorder. Our mother was his caregiver when they meet, they fell in love had us and then she passed. He, he stopped using his meds all together and that was his first mistake, I'm guessing depression came first wich would be the reason why he stopped taking his meds in the first place and then the schizophrenia wich would explain why he just stopped caring about you, and then that kicked in his bipolar disorder."

  "I didnt want to leave, I was forced to. I came back and you weren't there Ally, I looked. I looked so hard for years. And when i found you it was to late and you were gone again. I wanted to protect you, I wanted to be there. I'm so sorry you went through all that Chubbs. I'm so sorry you both had to go through all that. But I cant keep giving you space." By this point Lana isn't the only one crying, so was I, but Ally was still holding on to her not being convinced face.

  She's so strong it always suprises me how much good is in her. How well they came out of that situation.

"I'm sorry that I didnt protect you from being kidnapped, I'm sorry that my job was the reason you had to go through all that all over again. I know it's my fault, I know I don't deserve to be part of that." I point my finger at the way shes holding Lana, I give them a moment and watch as she whispers into Lanas ear that it was gonna be fine, that she was sorry she brought her, that if she wanted to go she would leave with her. Her hand held tight to Lana's own and she kissed the side of Lanas head and I notices this wasn't sisters comforting each other but a mother calming her child.

  "I'm sorry for upsetting you, I'm sorry for doing this now. But shes right Lana if it's to much I can and will stop, I can wait to when you guys are ready. I just wanted you to know about dad." They dont look my way, they dont acknowledge the fact that I'm speaking, Ally holds Lana close to her chest and softly combs her fingers through Lana's fire red hair. Lana's eyes are closed and her hands holds onto Ally so tight I'm sure she thinks if she lets go Ally will desapire.

   "He was great, he was an amazing man. And the bad things he did were done when he wasnt himself. I belive that in some way they kept eachother going and when he lost her, he lost himself.  I'm not asking you to forgive him but I know you needed answers, I'm not sure if you wanted them, but I know you needed them. I can see you aren't healing and you might be blaming yourself but, none of it was your fault." Lana's eyes open and she watches as I lean foward in my chair and extend my arm out laying it on the table with my palm up. Offering some form of comfort.

"It was neither of you guys fault, our uncle was messed up, he took advantage of our fathers grief and helped him spiral down. Just so he could get his way with you guys and I'm sorry that in some way me being back in your lives brought all of that back. If not fisical than emotional. I'm sorry I hurt you." Lana's hand come up and lands on mine making me breath in.

  Our crying hasn't stopped, and I can see Ally now crying aswell.

  "I wanted to be a big brother so bad, and when I finally was, when my job was tested, when you told me what had happend I failed in protecting you. I failed in the worst way possible, I promise you i would be back and i left you, I left you alone in that house with him. And I dont deserve forgiveness for that. I should have tried harder, you deserved better." My had gripes on to Lanas as tight as I belive she can handle.

"Lana, kiddo, I'm sorry I was never there for you. You out of all of us was the most innocent. You out of the 3 of us was the one that was born in to this whole mess. And I'm sorry I wasn't there to keep those monsters away. But I want to be there now, I want to show you now how special and important you are. I can't make up for or erase what you went through but I want you to start healing and create better memories. Please, please let me in."

"We aren't mad cause you weren't there, I'm not mad cause you had to leave we already talked that out and I understood. I'm mad that you keep lying to us, that you used me, that you put everything before us." Ally says and turns towards me nothing but anger in her watery eyes.

"I would give up everything for the both of you. I would walk away from everyone and everything and I know Lana would do the same, but you, you chose to put everything before us and only when you felt guilty did you decide to do something about it. So no right now, as of this moment there is no way for me to allow you in. If Lana wants you to be part of her life then welcome but for now dont expect anything from me." She stands up and heads towards the door leaving me and Lana watching her retreating figure.

I wasn't expecting her to forgive me today but she listened and that's a step foward from where we were that's alot more than I deserve and I'll take it.

She also didnt say she would never be ready, she said for now she wasn't ready to let me in and that gave me hope to keep trying. To at some point ask to meet again and try to have another conversation.

Lana stares at me as if analyzing what my reaction to Allys words would be and I smile at her.

"Look kiddo, you can walk away aswell if you want, but, I'm not gonna give up on you guys. Your all I have left and I messed up but I'm trying to fix it." Her hand gently squeezes mine and I take it as a sign of understanding, of acceptance and smile wider at her.

  Lana nods her head pushes her chair back and gets up, she collects both of their things and sets the chairs in their place while I watch her every move.

  She turns towards the door and stops making me stand aswell thinking something was wrong.

  "Give her some time, she'll come around. She always in someway been alone and only depended on herself, and when she decided that it was time to trust and depend on some one else, not just anyone but her hero she yet again ends up suffering.  Allow her time to think, I'm sure she'll call when shes ready." And then she walks away.

  I sit back down on my chair and stair at the other 2 chairs that were minutes ago occupied by my sisters and smile because this is progress and for now it's enough to calm my anxiety.