STAR CROSSED

15.

'Where are you going?' Maaz asked me during the party when he noticed me leaving his side to return to the room. His presence, his family, his people were all the same. They were all dangerous, selfish and with bad intentions. Maaz placed his hand on my back to stop me from leaving.

'I am not feeling well' I sharply said and stepped away from him as I made my way to my room. I didn't care that people were watching me and talking about me behind my back. This wasn't my home, there was no one here I could trust, even though there was a part of me that wanted to trust him, but after today, even the slightest chance of me trusting him disappeared. He was just like everyone else. He wasn't scared of guns, but he feared to trust. He didn't know how to behave like a human.

'What happened? Why did you leave the party like that?' Amma came after me to the room and questioned me worryingly.

'What am I doing, Amma? Do you think I am a pet? When he asked me to sit I sit, he tells me to eat I eat...he tells me to walk I walk...I am a human, listen to my heart... I am alive then why do I feel like I am dead. I am locked up in this gold castle, but I am the poorest. I don't have anyone; I am completely alone... what do you expect from me? I can't fake a smile and pretend like everything is fine' I removed my jewelry and threw it on the ground. I was tired of this game because I knew I had no chance of winning. I always lost.

'Eman' She tried to reach out to me, but I stopped her.

'Please Amma...I can't do this anymore, why is this happening to me? Does God not love me? I always tried to not hurt anyone then why is everyone hurting me...why?' I cried.

'It's not like that Eman, who told you God doesn't love you?' She watched me with concerned in her eyes for me.

'Because love isn't real Amma...there is only pain in this world' I replied. She remained quiet, at least there was one person here who cared to listen to what I had to say.

'First I lost my mother...I was very young, I didn't' even know what death was at that time...but I knew I was going to be okay because my father was there...but then he also died...I didn't even get a chance to process his death because just in a matter of hours after his death, I had to wipe my tears and start looking after my brother...so I started working...I thought when he gets a bit older and finds a good job...we'll be okay...even after losing my parents I trusted that God loved me...then one day I got a news that the house that my brother was working at as a contractor caught on fire. He was inside that house...one after another...I lost everyone that I ever loved...if there is only pain that is planned for me then how can you say that God loves me?' I stared at her. I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted someone to explain to me why I was suffering so badly?

'The greatest trials in life brings greatest rewards Eman...I know you are hurting and so is he. Do you know something? Those who were and aare nearest to God, often are the ones who had difficult lives.' She simply replied as if it was that easy.

'You make it sound so easy' I took a deep breath and sat on my bed and closed my eyes since they were hurting from crying so heavily.

'Perhaps you are right Amma...I don't know why I got so disheartened like that, I told myself that I am going to stay strong but I don't know why when I...Maaz just say the most cruelest things to me and before it didn't use to bother me but now I don't know...I think I am going insane...I mean why should I care about him...I shouldn't but...do you understand what I am trying to say?...' I sought nervously as my pulse rate grew high.

'Amma' I opened my eyes and turned around but instead of Amma I saw Maaz standing in her spot, his eyes glued on me. I got up immediately. I opened my mouth to say something but couldn't utter a single word to him. This was the second time I did that. Why didn't Amma tell me she was leaving? There were so many questions in his eyes and I was afraid that if he asks me anything what I would say so I glanced away from him, breaking our eye contact.