Whirlwind

43 -Par II

[Riley]

Usually with an argument is how we end our evenings. Wit a slew of 'fuck yous', threats and other insulting words laced with malice and a sick and twisted form of warmth often seen as hatred, each aimed directly at the other with a goal to assassinate each other's character. Once we mutually feel as if the mission is complete, our egos are both left battered and bruised and not an ounce of dignity or a sense of respect for each other or ourselves exists, that argument evolves into a staring contest. Eyes narrowed and filled with disgust, both communicating the pain felt internally from all the abuse we don't even recognize we're inflicting on each other. Our heads shake from exhaustion and our sighs express no relief because we both known this will happen again. All because our love is assembled around building each other up just to break each other down to pieces, and until we can no longer be fixed.

He loves to use me, to mistreat me and I yearn to be needed in any way possible. Our bond, the dependency is like that of a drug. There's an intoxicating high that ensues and that arouses this chase we long for to provoke each other, this infatuation to see who cares more through sparking jealousy, and then there is the heartache. Somehow it all feels good though. Somewhere down the line we both began to believe we needed this in order to function, and so we become oblivious to the point we let the cycle continue and ignore that sensation, that common sense that's advising us both to let this thing go.

However, on this particular night a silence was emerging between us instead of an argument. It was deafening, as still as death yet thought provoking. It left me reflecting on how much longer I could allow being taken for granted? How much longer I could cry myself to sleep after we made up with impassive sex? How much longer he would treat me like his princess and suddenly switch gears and belittle me when he felt like it? How much longer can you feel useless, Riley?

Those answers lay within this current discomfort, this inability of no longer knowing myself and who he was anymore. Not being able to fathom why unlike all our other encounters, neither of us were finding energy to keep hurting each other. I was becoming engulfed by this silence, the echoes of my screaming and his banging on the steering wheel. I was falling weak into an abyss, struggling to cling to something that would distract me from that common sense kicking in. And once my eyes closed I hoped something significant would happen that would make me second guess doing what I should do opposed to what I longed to.

Maybe this time around a genuine apology, evocative words that would lead to a change of his actions, maybe an 'I Love You' that actually meant something so we could then go back to how things were in the beginning. Instead I got my answer and the nerve to leave, to end this madness I would live in forever if I didn't walk away. I got the audacity to stand up for myself, tug at the door handle and push and force myself from this misery.

"Unlock the door, Que."

"If you would just talk to me first then maybe I will, but as of now I refuse to let you out of my sight until you talk to me." he countered as his jaw tightened and tone seethed in anger. "Just respond  to me Riley like a rational human being and with more than a dull ass 'unlock the door'."

"Respond to you?" My head swung in his direction from pure bafflement. "Respond to you. Is that not what I've been doing all this time? Entertaining and reacting to your complete and utter bullshit? You know what? Okay, fine." I rambled, nodding my head profusely. "Okay, so would you prefer a smack across the face or a knee to your nuts? Because those two options of communication are the only ones you deserve! Now, unlock the got damn door Quentin or I'll smash your window out."

"I dare you." he plainly stated and turned in his seat, just enough to get a view of what he figured was a joke. "Do it, Riley. Break my window if you've really got the balls and see what the fuck happens."