Whirlwind

47

[Riley]

"I love Riley, mama. I love her so much and I appreciate her but..."

As I stood behind the doorway trying to conceal my figure and the shadow of it outlined against the wall, all I could wonder was what could he possibly say to object the love he had just proclaimed? How could you love someone and there be a but? What could possibly be the exception when love didn't exclude anything? 

My knees began to buckle beneath me, the cusps of my eyes burning as I struggled to hold myself up and clench my breath that wanted so badly to escape my chest and lips, and let out a sob. I hadn't even heard the rest and I was hurt because nothing good could come from this confession Quentin was exposing to his mother. Nothing what so ever.

"But I should be here with you, not in New York trying to start a new life. You're sick, you're dying and your son, the only person you have left is busy trying to start over in a new city without you. How is that okay? I never wanted to leave, I did it for Riley when I should've just stayed here for me and took care of you."

"No you shouldn't have," his mother amended. "You need to get away from here. This city is nothing but trouble for you and it's holding you back. You need to leave here tomorrow, go back to New York, focus on your education and breathe. I will be just fine." she assured. "You're nineteen going on twenty and should not be worrying about me. I've lived, Quentin."

"Ma..."

"Listen to me, boy. Your education and future is on the east coast with Riley. No matter what happens to me, don't you ever hold her helping you against her. Don't ever push her away, do you hear me? This is all for the better, so you can be a better man. Let her in, Quentin."

I had my fingers crossed and whispered a silent prayer to the heavens that her words stuck to him and that God forbid she leave this Earth, he fulfilled her wishes just as, unbeknownst to him, I planned to. I was afraid that if he remained stubborn in his ways as he always did, he'd disregard them and begin to resent me, and blame everything that occurred in the aftermath of such a loss on me. I prayed that she would be okay and no matter what, we would be okay. I just couldn't live with that kind of guilt on my heart and continue to let every day pass me by knowing I failed him and her, two individuals who never failed me. I just couldn't.

"I will mama, I promise." He reached out and swaddled his arms around her frail body and sealed his eyes shut as he trembled on. "If I ever lose you, she's all that I'll have left."

"Then cherish her."

"I will."

"Riley...?"

Ry, Davina, D. All the different variations of names that belonged to me were repeated at least four times before my eyes finally stretched open and my reality was darkened by the same menace from my reoccurring daydreams. Maybe I should correct that; they were all flashbacks, mere nostalgia. Once again my mind was spinning on a wheel in reverse, destination to a place called memory lane, but this go around to a time where Quentin was actually far from a risk to my wellbeing. It was a period where I wasn't a nuisance he tolerated out of love and where we were both instead vessels that detained a sense of freedom and relief to the other.

My how times have changed and under such ugly circumstances that just as this former relationship, I forced myself never to recollect. Ironic how with Quentin here all I could do was just that though. His sudden reentry into my life and how I was allowing him to ease in made me wonder if there was another reason other than music behind it all. I swore that the day I ever saw his face again, even if it were at God's precious gates of heaven, I'd smack him silly then gracefully lodge my foot up his ass. Yet when it actually came, I didn't. In that specific moment we encountered, emotions overwhelmed me to the point of near silence, and when I did manage to speak up everything was brief and blunt. Fast-forward a few weeks and three encounters later and here we were; trying to become comfortable with one another alike to when we were best friends, and all while managing to tip toe around each other in order to keep this calm. It was all contradicting and quite odd.