Pulsing Rage (Mad Men, #2)

Kabanata 15

Kabanata 15

Holidays are terrifying for people like me.

Last year, I did fine. I ate some food and drank a portion of wine. Dra. Saldivar was so proud of me because I ate my favorite food which was the pasta, specifically it was lasagna that Mama cooked for me. Last Christmas and New Year were good because I wasn't stuck inside my head with the help of my family and my therapist. I think, I was doing so well. I wasn't afraid.

I was me.

And these holidays, I won't disappoint myself to the road of being better. My therapist told me, it is really hard. There will be breakdowns (hopefully, this time none). There will be some crying and doubting. There will always be darkness, but then a little trying and focusing on one's self are good step.

"What do you want for Christmas Eve, darling?" Mama's gentle voice boomed around my system. Chills ran over my spine until shivers found my shoulders.

Napalunok ako.

Thoughts...bad thoughts started to overwhelm my head. My hands trembled a bit holding the book that my therapist recommended last year. Now, I mustered all the energy and confidence to pick this book...for the betterment. I blinked hard, bringing myself to the oblivion. I should stop. I should snap out of it. Mabilis akong kumurap. I tried to push the thoughts aside. I break into a full smile...even it is scary. "My favorite. Please, Mama."

Something inside my stomach aches while breathing those words. I clenched and unclenched my fists until I plastered a natural smile in front of Mama. Concern swimming in her eyes ngunit hindi niya pinahalata masyado. I know Malia Fuentes in my whole life. Kami lang ang naging magkatuwang sa buhay simula na mag-annul sila ni Papa.

At young age, I already have the glimpse of what is like to fall out of love. I saw it in my parents...with this pair of sight. I know it...to be heartbroken. To see your parents lost the sight of their promise. Their...love to each other. It was gone in the wind. It never came back. Sa murang edad hindi nila tinakpan iyon sa akin. It was a big news in the industry. The people's favorite couple...the love team in their era broke up and decided to separate.

All I know is I accept it completely...I am not really quite sure until I got accustom of it. Sinusundo na lamang ako ni Papa sa araw na napagpasyahan nilang dalawa. Naging ganoon ang routine hanggang sa masanay ako.

Maybe, I got too sad.

Hindi 'ko na lang din maalala kung anong naramdaman 'ko noong mga araw na 'yon.

"Can I request, too?" Tito Ernest came out the picture, kissing my Mama's cheek while holding the groceries. Hindi 'ko lang alam kung nagkamali ba ang mata 'ko dahil umiwas bahagya si Mama sa aksyon ni Titor Ernest. Siguro'y namali lang ako nang interpretasyon dahil hinarap na niya si tito Ernest nang may ngiti sa labi. "Pretty please?" suyo muli nito.

Sinapo ni Mama ang dibdib ni tito. I just rolled my eyes and scoffed a bit. These two! Even I act like this, I love them wholeheartedly. I am just really glad they found each other's arms. Masaya na 'ko natagpuan ni Mama ang kasiyahan niya ngayon. These two meet here in Orlando. Had a few drinks together casually and then, their love to each bloomed beautifully in a good way.

Sa una ay pagkakaibigan lamang hanggang sa maging estado na ng pagsasama nila. Sa akin nama'y okay lang 'yon. Huminga pa nga ng permission si Mama sa akin. All I could say was if this is your happiness, who am I decide it for you? Ilang yakap ang natanggap 'ko kay Mama sa sagot 'kong iyon. Nang maglaon ay sumama na si tito Ernest na manirahan sa iisang bahay.

I am fine with it.

Really.

Seeing them right now, radiating the same energy of adoration to each other, I wish I could experience it. Maybe, not now but someday. My lips is rising into amusement. Binaba 'ko na ang librong hawak at sinamahan silang dalawa. Both of them are busy chattering and preparing for the dishes this Christmas Eve. No need to be lazy, I need to lend a hand to finish everything before the eve.