Down On Your Luck

Cool on you

"Where you been, good to see you, thought it was over."

Trigger warning self harm is mentioned in this chapter, if you have self harmed or been depressed skip over some parts. Also know that self harming is never the answer, find another escape because you are strong.

I sat in my room with book in my lap, I wasn't interested in the words or what was happening. I was too distracted by my thoughts, I sighed heavily as I closed the book and laid back on my bed.

The plush comforter seemed to bring me a little peace, I hadn't heard from Mel in a couple days and it was bothering me. I texted him and received no response I was afraid August told him what happened and he was angry too. I hadn't heard from August either not that I expected to he said what he had to say and like I said before we weren't the closest.

After the whole incident went down Rae and I got into an argument, she blamed me for August finding out and I yelled at her for lying to August and I.
She kept yelling and almost tried to hit me, talking about how selfish I was because I wanted August. As if.

"Even if you did he'd never like you back." My thoughts reminded me.

I knew that was the truth though, I wasn't exactly the body type for August or his type at all really. I wore thick rimmed glasses that took away from my pretty brown eyes, braces aligned my teeth, and I wasn't skinny.

My stomach wasn't flat and my face was round. It didn't help that I didn't really have a supportive family, it only added onto my already bad insecurities.

Back home I didn't have too many friends, I was very shy and easy to pick on. That's why New Orleans was always my getaway. I truly did love it here even if living with Rae was like living with my mom who always brought up my weight.

I was proud of myself now though because my skin was like a raincoat I didn't late all the negative comments get to my heart. If I was still 15 I would resorted to cutting again or starving.

I glanced at the faded scars from wrist to up my arm, I always wore bracelets and light cardigans to cover the fresh ones when I use to do it. One day though I went too deep and almost bled out I went to the hospital and my parents cried, they were so upset that they never noticed what was happening. My mom promised to change and not bring up my insecurities, but she broke that promise.

I sat up on the bed as I felt a wave of sadness hit me, I didn't want to think about those times.

I grabbed my journal and a pen, I grabbed a sweatshirt and walked out onto the front of the house.

I sat on the steps and began writing the lyrics that were desperately waiting to be released from my inner thoughts.

[Verse 1]
I can put my best dress on
And my hair all done for you
And you still wouldn't say
I'm Pretty, (Nooo)
I can spend my whole life doing
Everything you asked me to
And you wouldn't appreciate
What I'm giving
Noooo No No

[Chorus]
And if I'm not good enough
Then baby there's the door
I bet You You won't find another fool
Gon' give you more

Baby, I don't wanna waste my time
Changing how you feel
If you don't want me
Someone else will
Ohhhh ooo ohhhh

If I'm Not (if I'm not)
If I'm Not (if I'm not)
Good Enough..

It somehow became a love song, I guess I just found sad break up songs easier to write. I kept writing down lyrics, occasionally singing softly to myself until I heard a car door shut.