Something Immortal

Without Them...

Would people stay in my life longer if I let my walls come down?
If I let them into my heart easier?
Probably not.
I seem to drive some people away, and others closer.
Does it have something to do with who they are, or who I am?
I'll never really know, will I?
....Probably not.

I love the people close to me.
Which there isn't many.
They mean the world to me.
It usually takes a while for me to trust people.
And the people I'm closest to have known me a while, and also tried to get to know me.
So I let them.

I let those few in and we get to know each other so well... until I ruin it.
I start to push them away without realizing it.
Mostly.
They know to much about me, is one of my thoughts before I start to push them out.
If they know a lot about me, then they have a big advantage if they what to try to hurt me.

And after I push them away, I feel horrible.
I don't even realize that I needed them until I make them leave.
And once they're gone they wont want to come back into my life.
And I know its my fault, but I cant help but think that maybe they could've tried a little harder to stay my friend.

That's when I notice that I pushed them away for a reason.
They were making my head spin in places it usually doesn't.
So I pushed them away to keep myself safe.
For my protection.

Which is weird.
Since I care more about my actual friends protection and safety...
More than my own.

I might push someone away because they attach themselves to me.
Rely on me for almost everything.
It's not only annoying, it's stressful too.
Having all of their problems piled onto my already huge pile.
I hate it.

...but I never know if I'll make it without them....