A reason to doubt me

I'm terrified

I got to sing

I got to dance

I got to be a part of a great romance

I got to do all of these things. I‘ve had an amazing life and I‘m still enjoying it as best as I can. If not Fleetwood Mac or my solo career, if not the music that allows me to go out on stage and sing for people, try to make them happy, I‘m really just a boring old housewife. I would go insane very easily if I didn‘t get to play the hit songs we‘ve recorded since 1975.

I love my family, I‘d give up everything for them, but when I sometimes slow down and think, just how many wonderful and exciting relationships I‘ve had, that are trully worthy of a feather and a bit of ink. And what is my reality? I‘m not married to a rock star, no and quite frankly I don‘t care what my husband does for a living, but just the fact I was so desperate for a man and children, I gave up the love of my life.

I often wonder why. We had it all, we made it, we became legends, we had money, we loved each other, yet we always hated each other as well. Everything I did annoyed him and everything he did annoyed me. So, we split up. It would be better, we thought and kept telling ourselves that. Only it wasn‘t. Far from it.

I trully gave up any hope to be together. At around the same time, which was 1985, I met a man, who was very into me, we had many things in common, I knew he cared for me, so after we had lived together for a year, he asked me to marry him and I didn‘t even hesitate. After all, all I ever wanted was to have someone to love and have children with.

Now, I do. I‘ve been a wife since 1987. Jeffrey is the most wonderful husband any woman could wish for. We‘re both in our sixties, but he‘s still very handsome. His job couldn‘t be more different from mine, he‘s a doctor, a plastic surgeon. I do love him, he‘s been there for me when I really needed someone to hold on to, to give me a reason to live.

Jeff has given me two most precious of those reasons. We have two sons, Dylan and Matthew, they‘re 22 and 17. Whenever I thought about having kids, I always imagined myself having a daughter and when both times I was told I was expecting a boy, I couldn't have been happier.

Our life is nothing special behind closed doors. In public I‘m still Stevie Nicks, but when I come home and put on my slippers, I‘m Stephanie Campbell (in all the years I have known my husband he has never once called me Stevie), a wife and a mother of two. I like it that way, I don‘t have to pretend, I get to be me. Everything is so easy up until I have to go on tour. And the time is right around the corrner. Fleetwood Mac rehearsals begin tomorrow.

Never have I ever trully given any reason for Jeff to doubt me. I haven‘t cheated on him, I never wanted to hurt him in any way. There have been four tours since we got married and he‘s always very uneasy letting me go on the road with my ex, well, two of my exes. Nothing has happened between Lindsey and I since he left Fleetwood Mac in 1987. We have once or twice given into temptation and shared a kiss, but it never got beyond that.

Watching Jeff tense up is hard, every time Karen comes in with my schedule and says I have something to do that involves Lindsey. He knows our history, he knows every single detail of it and I have told him in the very beginning that a part of me will always belong to the other man. When the time for me to leave comes I try to be extra sweet and caring, showing Jeff that he has nothing to worry about. And when we‘re at the airport, saying goodbye, his eyes still give it away that he‘s not ok.

~

It‘s been about twenty minutes since we sat down to eat dinner and neither of us has said a word. Actually, I‘m over Jeff always questioning me. Why would he? I never say anything besides I love you and have a good flight, when he goes to one of his seminars.

"What‘s up with you?“

"You don‘t have to ask that, Stephanie, you know it very well.“

I sigh putting down my fork and look at Jeff. "How many times have we been over this?“

"Too many.“ He finishes what‘s left of his meal and washes it down with a gulp of water.

"You‘re absolutely right, so why keep coming back to it?“

"You know me... I always get paranoid once you‘ve got to leave.“

"I‘ve always wondered, Jeff... Have I genuinely given you any reason for it?“

He reaches across the table and takes my hand in his. "No, but I can‘t think of you wanting to give me one. I love you too much to lose you.“

"I‘ve been your wife for almost 27 years. Don‘t you think if I wanted, I would have ran off by now? And besides, who would want me, I‘m so old now.“

"Stop that right now. That should go, who wouldn‘t want you! You‘re the most beautiful woman on earth, Stephanie, and you have a heart of gold.“

"I‘m glad you see me that way.“

"Any other way wouldn‘t suit you.“

I smile and walk over to put my arms around him from the back. "I do love you, Jeffrey. Nobody could ever compete with you solely because you gave me my babies. You‘re also easy on the eyes.“

He lets out a throaty laugh and relaxes in my touch. "Good to know.“

"So, no more worries, yeah?“

"None.“

"Brilliant. Then you go upstairs and I‘ll be right with you after I clear the plates.“

"I‘ll be waiting, hurry. I‘m not very patient.“ Jeff kisses the top of my head and does as I tell him.

Tonight, I‘m very much in love with my husband, but I‘m so terrified it might change the second I see those blue grey eyes tomorrow afternoon.

Well, what do you think? More or should I stop? :)