A reason to doubt me

I was thinking

I have a feeling it's way too early for me to be up, but the sunlight is flooding the room and I can't fight it any longer. I open my eyes and I'm immediately alarmed that Lindsey's not by my side. I breathe a sigh of relief when he comes out of the bathroom not five minutes later, with a towel barely hanging around his hips and droplets of water sliding down his curls. 

"I could so do you right now."

"Good morning to you too." He laughs and sits down on the edge of my side of the bed. "Not that I would say no to your invitation." I purse my lips for him to kiss and he does, lingering for a moment. "Did you sleep well?"

"If that's what you call sleep, then I've slept better than I've had in years."

"Good to know." 

"I thought I was up early, what's your deal?"

"I was thinking,"

"About what?"

"Lots of things, nothing to worry about though."

"I thought you started regretting spending the night with me and you miss your wife."

I'm a little taken aback when he starts laughing. "Yeah, right! Nonsense, baby. I'm where I want to be." We kiss again and I still when I hear a knock on the door. "Relax, it's room service."

Lindsey ordered us breakfast and we eat together in bed, comfortable silence surrounding us until he opens his mouth. "I could get used to this."

I swallow the moutful of omelette hard and wash it down with water, and try to answer. "I remember you saying you weren't going to make me decide anything."

"And I'm not, I'm just saying that this feels nice." He takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. "Let's not concentrate on this." I put the tray of food on the floor and get up, putting on my silk robe. "Have I ruined it?"

"No." I reply sincerely. "It's just... What you just said, it makes this whole thing so real." He stops eating and directs his attention to me. "You're a different man, Lindsey. You're sweet and caring, and if you did something to hurt me recently, I know you feel bad about it, you know... You've developed humane feelings."

"Gee, thanks!"

"Don't take it the wrong way. I meant it in a good way. Years back, you did everything in your power to make me fail pain and you were fine with it, you were fucking proud! And now it's a different story, I understand why you've been acting like such an asshole towards me at the beginning of the preparation for this tour, you were hurting because of my and Jeff's relationship and you wanted me to feel the same, but you can't do it and not feel bad about it anymore. You know, now I believe it much more when you say you love me, then when you and I were actually a couple." The words are flowing freely and I'm glad, I need to lay it all out, he needs to know. "Jeff and I are failing. I didn't think it would be possible for our marriage to go so horribly wrong after almost three decades, but if I'm honest with myself, I..." He looks at me willing me to continue and to stop at the same time. "In my heart, I feel that he and I are over. Before I left, the night we spent together was wonderful, but now to me it represents sort of a goodbye. I might be saying something entirely different if not for when you came to see me in my apartment. That night, Lindsey... I fell in love with you again. And I keep doing that, I fall for you every time I see you, the difference is I allow myself to do that now, something I've been trying not to since I married Jeff." I almost wish he said something, so I wouldn't finish what's on my mind. "And when you told me that you and Kristen aren't living together anymore... I think, I was ready to call Jeff and tell him I want to divorce him right that second. I can't do this, Lindsey. I can't go on living like this, I love you and I realize that I will never be trully happy if I don't have you, the same thing you have told me."

"My god, Stevie..." He's up and in front of me in no time. "Do you honestly mean everything you just said?"

"I've never been this serious about anything." 

"I'm not sure what to say." 

"Why don't you just tell me you love me, kiss me and hold me for a while." Lindsey laughs a little and does exactly what I asked him. "Are we completely insane?" I ask after some time. "Can we actually throw our lives away like that and... be together?"

He steps back, keeping me at arm's length. "You tell me. Is this what you want?"

"I really do."

"I feel like a teenager right now, like when the girl you like says yes to going to the prom with you." 

I raise my eyebrow at him. "I'm sure whatever you just said is meant to be a good thing."

"I'll right a song for you, so you know how I really feel, those always seem to come out easier." 

"You're not wrong." 

"I know I'm not wrong." I roll my eyes at what he just said, but then give him a kiss, after which he embraces me and holds close to himself. "I don't want to let you go, Stevie, ever."

"Then don't. Whatever is ahead of us, remind yourself of what you just said." I sigh, when our moment is being interrupted by a phone call. This is why I hate those damn things! "Let go off me for a few?"

"If I absolutely I have to." He's still holding me, my heart might explode from the love I have for him.

Finally, I go over to where my phone is and frown at the unkown number. I pick up nevertheless.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Ms Stephanie, this... this..."

"I'm sorry, but I can't understand anything you're saying." The voice sounds so familiar, but it's hard to be sure because of all the sobbing. "Olivia, is that you?"

"Y-yes. I'm... I'm sorry to be calling you this... this early, but..."

"What is it? Are you ok?"

"You are going to hate me, but..."

"Leave that for me to decide. What's wrong?"

"I have to... to tell you something..."