A reason to doubt me

Once you see him

After about a little over than half an hour I've had enough and I throw the phone across the room, seething, hurt and betrayed. Olivia said I would hate her, but I don't. It's not her fault, she's a silly young girl that's all. If anything I'm only thankful she was brave enough to call me and tell everything that's been going on between her and my husband. I can't believe Jeff. After everything he has put me through, he's no better than I am. But I'm not going to get him on the phone right away, no. If he calls, I'll act like a loving wife, but when I get a day off, I'm meeting him and having a long talk eye to eye.

When my tears subside, I realize Lindsey has me close to him, stroking my hair and I'm starting to hear the words he's saying to me and the questions he's been asking. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. Lindsey holds out his hand for me as I re-enter the bedroom and I feel another wave of emotion wash over me of the eternal love I have for this man.

"So, will you talk to me now?" He asks, lying on his back, my head on his chest. "What was all that about? Who's Olivia? What happened?"

"Olivia used to be Jeff's scretary, turns out for the past two months she has also been his mistress."

"No..."

"Yeah."

"And she called you to tell you that? Like... Was she proud to be sleeping with your husband or something?"

"No, far from it. The girl thinks she's in love."

"With Jeff?!"

"Yes, he promised her a fairytale. He said he'll divorce me and they'll be together, he said she makes him happy. He's been feeding her lies and she fell for everything he told her."

"But you just said she didn't contact you to brag about it?"

"That's right. Apparently, last night Jeff had that woman in my bed, on the day he and I were supposed to spend together. All of a sudden, he realized how wrong the whole thing has been and he woke her up and told her all these horrible things and how she should never say she's prettier than me, because I'm the most beautiful woman and he got extremely angry with her after that, he threatened her, had his fucking hand around her throat!"

"Has he ever hurt you physically?" I feel Lindsey tense up.

"No, I already told you. I had to go through some rough sex with him in the past few weeks before the tour started and you know, not the good kind... but he has never had his hands on me like that."

"He better not!"

"What, you'd fight him?" 

"Of course!"

"My hero." I place a kiss on his chest. To be honest, I'm not surprised I manage to see the bright side of this. When I heard everything, yes, it was terribly painful, but now I think it only confirmed that Jeff and I are done and there is nothing he can say to make me change my mind.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Catching the first plane when we don't have a show."

"You're not going to call him now?"

"I have to see him, Lindsey. I want to know why he's so two faced. According to him I'm the worst human being on earth, but when it's him, it's perfectly fine to screw someone else."

"Can I go with you?"

"Why would you?"

"I..." He pauses and entwines our fingers together. "I don't want you to be around him on your own."

"He's not going to raise his hand against me."

"You don't know that, Stevie."

"I know him. Don't get me wrong, but he's a lot like you. Obsessive is the best word to describe him. He's not going to want to hurt me, he'll plead me not to leave."

"You're not thinking about it are you?"

"Didn't you hear anything I told you before I received that fucking phone call?" The tone of my voice is harsh, but I'm shocked he just asked me that.

"No, I did, but... you know... Thirty years is a lot, I wouldn't be surprised if you were having doubts."

"Lindsey, we just talked about how we want to walk out of our marriages and be together. It sounds to me like you are the one having doubts. Or what just happened made you realize that you will actually have to do it and you're getting cold feet?" We're getting into sort of a fight, but neither of us has thrown anything at the other yet and we're still cuddled up, I believe we're going to be fine.

"Don't you ever question my feelings. I've made a mistake letting you go and I've been paying for it for far too long. It caused me great pain and suffering. Loving you isn't an easy thing to do, Stevie, but the fact we're together right now after all these years, I think, proves that I do love you and I do want to be with you. I'm only afraid to get my hopes up too high. Now you're set on leaving your husband, but I can't be sure that won't change once you see him, when he tells you he loves you and reminds you of all the good you've been through, of your sons, when he begs you to stay... I'm not getting cold feet, Stevie, I'm only terrified I'll lose you again."

I heave myself up off his chest and kiss his lips with more love than I think I've ever had before. Oh, how he's changed... Certainly for the better! He's so much easier to love. "You're being honest with me."

"Well yeah... Do you want me to lie to you?" He laughs awkwardly and I shake my head. 

"No, just that... It's something new for us. We've never been the ones to communicate well with each other, but this is good, this is what we need."

"I understand how many years we've wasted and if we cared more about each other then, I'm sure things would be a lot different right now."

"They will be. I promise you."

"So, should I send Kristen the divorce papers?"

"Slow down, Lindsey!"

"What? Didn't we just..."

"I'm kidding!" I see he didn't find my joke too funny.

"My heart stopped for a second, Stevie, don't joke like that."

"I'm sorry." I stick my lower lip out and he reaches up to kiss it. 

He turns more serious again. "How do you feel about it? Honestly."

"It hurts like a bitch." He smiles sympathetically at me. "But I also feel... freed if it makes sense. I don't have to feel as guilty about it. It clearly wasn't just me, who wasn't entirely happy with our marriage, so..."

"You're a strong woman, Stevie. I know you'll get through it, but don't hide your feelings from me, I'm here for you, know that."

"I love you."

"And I love you too." His hand rests on my back, sending shivers down my spine. How could I have ever thought I didn't love him.

"I need you to come with me."

"Where?"

"Back home, when I go see Jeff."

"Didn't you say no to that?"

"And you asked me not to hide my feelings from you, I want you to be there with me. I'll be a wreck after I talk to him."

"Anything you want." He nods and brings my hand to his lips. "Anything for you."