A reason to doubt me

Leave

The silence is deafening. I'm looking at Jeff and he everywhere but me. I reach for his hand and he doesn't pull away, but doesn't hold it either, not that I expected him to. There's nothing I can say to make this better and he's obviously lost for words.

"Say something."

"Leave."

"What?" My eyes widen, did he really just...

"You wanted me to say something, so there." He's still avoiding eye contact.

"Jeff, do you honestly want me to leave?"

"No!" He yells. "Of course I don't want you to leave, but I'm so tired of this bullshit, I don't know how to deal with it anymore."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't get to say anything, Stephanie." Hearing my given name in this kind of context kills me. It somehow makes this all too real. "You always complain that I give you a hard time once you gotta leave, but it seems I don't get like that for nothing. Weren't you the one a couple of nights ago asking me to trust you? Baby, I'm trying, but you're giving me every reason to doubt you."

"I wish I could explain how I feel, but I can't. I even don't know myself what it is that I feel."

He turns his back to me and looks out the window. "Do you love him?"

"Jeff, you know I do."

"No, it's not what I meant." He pauses and looks at me again, knowing that my eyes can't lie to him, despite what I might answer with. "Are you in love with him? Do you want to be with him?"

"I don't." I have to take a few deep breaths to compose myself in order to continue. "I love you immensely, Jeffrey. You were there through the hardest years of my life and you pulled me through, you helped me survive. You knew that life with me will never be easy, but you married me, you gave me my babies. I wish I wasn't that messed up, I would love more than anything to devote myself to you completely, leave the band and not have to ever see him ever again. Because things are just fine when I'm at home, being a wife and a mother, but once he's around, old feelings and desires resurface and..."

"Desires? Do you hear yourself?"

"It's wrong! Yes, I know and I've been fighting it forever, but Jeff, I can't help it."

"So, let me get this straight. You want to screw around with your boyfriend and then come back home to me and you want things to be as smooth as ever?" By the sound of his voice, he's pretty disgusted with me right now. "Sorry, sweetheart, but I'm not up for an open marriage. On the other hand..." I lift my eyes up to see if this is really my husband talking. "How would you feel, mm? Imagine that there's a woman I work with and whenever we feel like, whenever we have a desire for each other, we share a kiss, I touch her and she puts her hands on me or maybe we even..."

"Stop! Don't..." I shake my head, feeling my eyes getting teary.

"It's only hypothetical and it's hard for you to hear, so how do you think it must be for me when you tell me that and I know it trully happened? This can't go on, Stephanie."

"How do I change that, Jeff? Do you think I want this to keep happening?"

"You tell me. If you had sex with him, would it make you stop? Because what I'm hearing strongly suggests it."

"Why would you say that?" It's hard to believe what I'm hearing.

"You love him, but you don't wanna be with him and you only feel something when he's around. So, it gives me and idea that all you want is to fuck the guy and move on. Have you not changed at all?"

"Oh wow... Bringing up my past? That was a low blow, Jeff." I slide off the high stool and I'm on my way out, but he calls after me.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I have to go get ready, I'm meeting the band in less than two hours."

"Great, I'll take you there."

"Jeff, don't. More drama isn't necessary."

"I'm just driving the love of my life, the woman I'm so happy I'm married to, to work. Am I not allowed?"

Arguing is pointless. "I won't take longer than an hour."

"As long as you need, honey." He takes my face in his hands and kisses me, both actions not too gentle. A tear rolls down my cheek, I know I've brought this on myself, but it doesn't hurt any less that he's acting this way.

~

Jeff parks the car and I get out as soon as. He offers me his arm and I hold onto him, knowing just exactly what he's doing. "You smell nice. You want your perfume to wash over him, when he devours your neck?"

"I'm asking you to not be like this."

"I asked you not to fuck around with your ex."

"I didn't!"

"Don't make a scene, Stephanie."

He opens the door for me and I go in, with him following closely behind. He entwines our fingers together just in time before we see the rest of the band. And Kristen. Suddenly, I couldn't be happier I have Jeff with me. I tighten my grip on his hand and he almost laughs, shaking his head only for me to notice. My eyes lock with Lindsey's and he gives me a sly smile.