A reason to doubt me

Can I stay?

I waited for Jeff to leave town for one of his seminars. It will take him four days to get back home and I'll have enough time to deal with Lindsey. I invited him over to my condo that I keep for myself, more privacy over there. I keep pacing around, from one room to another, keeping myself busy, so I wouldn't have to think about our meeting, but I find it to be impossible. There are so many ways this could go, I don't even know what to expect. I'm not even sure why I want to hear it from him, it shouldn't matter to me, but it does, it matters a lot. It's really sick considering my situation, but I want Lindsey to tell me he's in love with me.

He's more than half an hour late. I'm starting to think he changed his mind and I'm hoping he did. But no, there's a knock on the door and I take a deep breath before opening it. God, he's handsome... I think he made an effort to dress up for me and there's a fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"So..." Lindsey has no idea what to say or do either. "May I come in?"

"Sure, sorry." I shake myself mentally. "You want anything?" I ask, showing the way to the living area.

"Why don't you tell me why am I here?"

"So, you don't want anything." 

"Stevie..." He sighs and I know he's becoming irritated. 

"Sit down." He does and I remain standing. I can't be that near to him. "Why are you treating me so badly?" I waste no time, because apparently my presence is annoying him.

"I'm not. You insisted on pushing me away, you love your husband, remember?"

"Lindsey, you're the one who's driving me away! All you wanted was to fuck me before anything else. And I said no, you got pissed off and now you're acting like a stupid teenager, who got rejected!"

"And why do you care so much? You don't need me, you told me that. You wiggle your ass around me and then you deny me, because you have your fucking husband, who's so damn precious to you, yet you can't stay away from me. You're lying through your teeth, Stevie. You're dying for my touch."

"And you don't? You never kissed me the way you did those couple of weeks ago while we were together."

"This is pointless, Stevie. We're getting nowhere with this." He shakes his head. "Again, we're going back and forth with this, it's getting really old."

I turn to face him, my arms crossed over my chest, my voice demanding. "Admit it."

"What?" Lindsey's eyes go straight to mine.

"I talked to Christine."

"I see." 

"Is it true?" I finally find courage to sit down next to him. 

"What do you think, Stevie?" All of a sudden, my Lindsey is back, the guy I fell in love with, beautiful and innocent, afraid to look at me. He puts his hand over mine and I still. "You don't realize how hard I've been trying not to feel anything. I keep telling myself that you're married, you have kids, but... Stevie, I'm so in love with you it fucking hurts me."

"Then why are you hurting me, Lindsey?"

His voice cracks, his voice barely there. "Because you only pay attention to me when I hurt you. You're usually angry at me which I can't stand, but at least I don't have to listen about Jeff. You rant and scream at me, I'm the one on your mind at those moments. Besides...Wwhen you're mad, you're really beautiful."

"Fuck you, Linds..." I laugh softly and he puts his arm around my shoulders. "Wouldn't it have been so much easier to admit your feelings to me than go out of your way to tell me everything spiteful thing?"

"I told you at the beginning of this."

"No, you said you were obsessed with me."

"Isn't it kind of the same?"

"What, no! Lindsey... You can love me, but you can't obsess over me, because that is ruining my marriage. I haven't talked to Jeff for weeks, all we do is have sex and it's so much like we were at the end of our relationship."

"Yeah, stop right there. I don't want to know about that part of your relationship with your husband."

"And you didn't think I was sleeping with my husband?"

"I don't like to think about it altogether, Stevie."

"But you have a family too, Linds, a wife, she's so much younger than me. Why do you need me?"

"Give yourself some credit! You’re so breathtaking, I lose myself when I see you. I lose complete control of myself. It’s like… I love you, Stevie, I don't even know what else to tell you, I can't explain it and I do know it's wrong. We're not supposed to be this fucked up, we should be happy with the paths of life that we've chosen, but I can't be if I don't have you."

I shake my head and touch his cheek with the back of my hand, smiling sadly. "We won't be together, Lindsey. Like you said, we made our decisions, we have to live with what we have."

"Are you rushing home?" His question takes me by surprise. 

"No, I'm staying here tonight. Jeff is out of town with work and..." I don't get to finish when his lips crash on mine. I'm not sure what to do, but his arms that sneak around me, encourage me to open my mouth and taste him. Oh god... my head is spinning, honestly. I feel a shot of electricity cursing through my body. I moan at his touch and I want to feel him against my skin so badly. I tear at the buttons of his shirt and throw it away quickly. His hand is sneaking under my long floaty skirt and I feel like it’s already too much. He grabs my legs and pulls towards himself gently, so I’m lying on my back, he lowers himself on top of me and kisses me hard.

“Fuck me, Lindsey, please… I need you badly.” I'm not against to admit that anymore.

He requires no further encouragement. I’m naked in front of him in seconds, then he quickly undresses himself. Is this actually happening? I haven’t cheated on Jeff once in almost thirty years that we've been together, but it’s a different story now. My body is begging for Lindsey and I have no power to resist this urge.

There’s nothing gentle or sweet about this, it’s pure lust and passion for each other. We don’t kiss, we don’t clasp our hands together, we’re not gazing at each other lovingly… This is only violent, animalistic sex, which is what we both clearly need. I’m so close and I’m digging my nails in his shoulders as he’s going faster and deeper with every thrust. Oh god, oh my sweet lord!

I cry out his name loudly, not ashamed in any way and he follows moments after, collapsing on top of me. I don’t know why, but I wrap my arms around Lindsey and he does the same. We lay like this for a couple of minutes until we regain any strength to pull away from each other. 

“I think this is the best sex I’ve had in my entire life.” He’s still gasping for air. I love that we’re laying next to each other, with no sense of shame in the slightest.

His words flatter me. “Why thank you.”

“You know, you’re good, Stevie. You’ve always known that.” Now is the moment when he takes my hand and kisses it. “Shit…”

“What?”

“I came inside.”

I laugh huskily. “Darling, I think you forgot I'm not Kristen. I highly doubt there’s a chance I could get pregnant.”

“Good. But I would never mix the two of you up. She's plain and boring.

"And I'm not?"

"You're everything but that. Man… that was amazing.”

“Truly.”

He turns his head to look at me. “Can I stay?"

"For an hour or so, sure."

"I meant the night and you know it.”

I nod looking at him. "I couldn't throw you out if I wanted now anyway, baby." Lindsey grins widely and then kisses me.

I will regret this, but not just yet.