Letters I'll Never Send

June 6, 2019 22:26

Dearest, 

I am writing to you right now, while listening to the playlist I made for you. I recently updated and rearranged the songs and edited all those details that, I know, you will never see. I am in pain, I am quite heartbroken, my heart feels like vibrating. My heart screams, my heart aches, because today, I realized that it is still you. It is still you that I love after all these years and all these circumstances. I am in tears as I write this to you because I can feel your distance, I can feel you farther to me and that only makes me think and feel that 'us' will never be.

Today, I want to tell you that I am happy to be close and to know someone like you. Please also do know that your kindness is way beyond imaginable. I know that I somehow had a contribution to how you have become—to be very genuinely kind. 

And now that I have seen you again, seeing you do all those small things that matter, I am very much moved. It is not I that is insanely admirable, it has always been you. The way you say thank you as the staff serves your food, the way you greet them as you buy and as they serve you, the way you hold the door for me, the way you apologize when you know you did something wrong, the way you talk and makes sure that you are clearly understood, the way you takes out your food just to give it to the kid that sells sampaguita, those ways that makes you so grateful and all those acts, it shows how genuine you are—it brings me memories of those years where we were together, where we have the same perspective of something. And that is through the kindness that you show to every person you cross paths with. It aches of joy and sadness. 

I am glad that I see myself through your acts, I see how I am to others. I see how it might make others feel. It made me feel very happy. It made me sad as, in all selfishness that my next words would be, whatever I do and whatever I may be, you will not choose me at all. Not even a chance. It is painful and it is quite unfair that after all those times that we have shared, I am and still the only one who feels this way. It is quite unfair that you made me feel like a significant person with me just being me; with me and who I truly am; with me and what I will become. You have always believed in what I can do, you made me feel that truly, I can do whatever I put my mind into.