Letters I'll Never Send

May 12, 2020 12:02

A month has passed since I last wrote to you. I think it's because the feelings have subdued, it became less and less until right now—here I am again, thinking of what could have been. 

I was scrolling through my timeline on Twitter and saw a picture that BenAndBenMusic has tweeted. It was a comment to one of their songs that is similar to us. Well, that I am not sure of but, my feelings were similar to that of the commenter. 

It was a story of friends who have become close enough that the girl has fallen for him but did not dare tell him until one day, she was invited to the wedding of the guy and the guy has confessed that he liked her then—for five awful years. 

What's the difference from that to us? Well, I suppose I did everything I could. 

I partially told you that I like you. I say I love you to you each day. I guess that's all I needed to do. And I might have understood then what your answer is since you've been calling me friend. I guess so that I am only that to you ever since. 

But what I don't understand is, why didn't you tell me what you felt when you knew I had feelings for you? Why didn't you tell me directly that I not should hope for more? Why didn't you tell me that I am but an only friend? Why didn't you tell me that I have no chance? Why didn't you speak anything at all when we were already in that topic? That's what I do not understand. What I only got was "do you think I don't know it yet?", what will I get from that? 

That day became vivid to me again, I remember every scenario. I remember everything, once again. All just because of a picture of a comment with few words in it. 

So what does this tell me? I guess I am still not over you then. This is over five years now and it feels just as the same, reminiscing that certain day—the day I confessed to you. 

It was an afternoon, it was planned. I talked to our friend that I need to confess before we enter college just so I can finally breathe from this feeling. Our friend and I has then concluded that she will mention about Jungkook and her crushes and help me confess. That was it. But you know, you will never really be ready until it has been done. 

It was like that, she started talking about her crushes and asked you what you do if someone has a crush on you. You told us that those people who have a crush on you just either want to be with you and if you don't want them then they will disappear right then and there. That day, All I wanted was so confess and nothing more. I was not hopeful, I was not curious, I was not anything. I was just focusing on nothing but confessing, so maybe my curiosity now is also my fault. Is it?

Then, suddenly, our friend said "so, you do you still have a crush on him?" pointing at you. I heard frustration in her voice but I was struck, my heart was beating restlessly that all I can say is "it [feelings] won't be removed that easily, right?" and that is when you answered "do you think I don't know it yet?" and I said "I think you already know" and there was a long silence. Funny how our friend was just there, sitting and persuading us to talk to each other but we were only looking at each other's eyes. 

I remember it too vividly now. I found myself looking at your direction, imagining that same scenario, trying to understand what that eye contact meant. Still, I do not understand. 

I broke the silence asking, "how long have you known?" you kept quiet so I asked more "a month?" you said "no, longer" "a year?" i asked again, and you said "longer" that is when I stopped asking for more. Our friend then told us to promise each other that we would still see each other for more years. 

That was the longest eye contact we have ever had. They say that eyes says alot but that time, I did not understand anything at all. 

After a while, we said good bye. You went off right away while our friend and I went to a building to pamper ourselves. I remembered that we tried to decipher what just happened but she did not get it as well and has told me that at least I was able to let it off my system and that is what's important. I remember telling her that I will walk the same path as I do everyday when we were still in highschool and joked that maybe, I will see him walking too. But, actually, I was thinking that maybe you already have sprinted towards your home so as you might not encounter our awkwardness again. 

As I walked, my heart was pumping then but that's all it would manage to do and when I turned to another street, there you are, petting a dog on a stranger's gate. You looked at my direction and smiled so I walked towards you. And when I reached, you said "Whenever I pass by this house, I always pet this dog. It's very nice and friendly." I just smiled and maybe I fell for you more that ever. We talked about my feelings no more but I had hoped that we did. After a short while, we walked together in silence then suddenly, it rained. I held up my umbrella but you insisted on holding it. What fan fic, au, kdrama is this? I smiled at the thought. I see that you placed more of its shade towards me, that I saw the raindrops fall on your shoulder. We then reached your house and hugged. I remember that when you were about to let go, I held you tighter thinking that maybe that might be the last time I will hold you that close. And when I finally let you go, I went home feeling numb. 

And that's what had happened that day and it has been over three years now but I remember it oh so vividly. And that's when I know, I love you still. 

You've always owned my heart. 

Until this very second. 

I don't know what to expect to BenAndBen's song though. Will be listening to it? I guess so. We'll see. I guess I'll come back here again soon then.