Since the last, I haven't been keeping note of things that have happened. There's honestly been too much. There's been positive, don't get me wrong. I love to hike and camp. With this bullshit quarantine. Well, I'm getting something good out of it. Alllll my introverts are loving this shit. But at the same time. We hate it. When I'm not busy by mind is. That's a dangerous game to play. Some old thoughts have risen. Some I'm not entirely too proud of. I've un-buried some old memories. I wish I didn't.
Shit happens. And shit slowly rises. I have a counselor. Half of the time I know what she's gonna say. Although hearing it from her mouth, in her words. Helps me. Who am I kidding. I'm no use. i hurt some people I love, cause I kept something a secret. Lately I've been emotionally attached which again, fucking sucks. I'm used to feeling numb. I helped myself change that feeling. I felt something great. It helped me out of my jumble, in a fucked up a way put me back in retrospect. I can't escape it. I compress. And I keep compressing.
My stepping stones, I've gone on some awesome hikes, new trials. Seen new things. Done new things. I mean I could break it down to specifics but I guarantee my hikes and cool trails aren't for most of my readers. And I know that if I was reading someone else's book I honestly wouldn't give too many shits about how much fun they have on the trail. See... For instance just that. I kind of have a loose filter which also isn't very good. Most the time I keep the thoughts in my head because I know they'll get me into trouble. I've had trouble repairing A relationship I have with someone I've always cared about. I've kind of given up. And I know it takes two to mend something between two people that was broken. Yet again even simple tasks like that become much more difficult with my road blocks.
There was a novel I wrote. (..) read it. A little late which resulted in a, what do I call it. A form of... miscommunication, mixed with a lash of regret, and a bit of misjudgment on their part. But I don't point blame cause nobody's perfect. Especially not me. I've made some choice decisions in my life. Some I wish with all wishes I could take back. I hold it against myself everyday. All that's happened since. Down to the smallest bit. I feel I deserve it. If I believed in a hell, that's where I'd be. Mind you, half of my very poor decisions were not made with Ill-intentions in fact the opposite. But it will never be viewed as such. I can only blame myself. I don't like to point her finger. For those reasons I feel all that comes my way should be served on a silver platter engraved
"In exchange for your wrong doings"
I mean, In my mind. If fits perfect. I really shouldn't continuously drag myself down to that point. But it only feels right. And sometimes what's right hurts. I've learned they along the way too.
My silver platter comes when I'm mentally unprepared. Which is why I also always have my guard up. I try my hardest to weave my way through but sometimes I get wrapped up. My last was interesting. I always repeat. In exchange for your wrong doings, over and over. It's helped me through it. Even though I still haven't moved past the recents. I don't think I ever will. I don't take the time to 'admire' the reflection, All I can see are those who have grabbed, poke, choke, hit, kick, manipulate, scarred, teased, touched. The list goes on so for me it seems pointless. I can't look without seeing all your faces, all your hands, your cold eyes. As the years go, the silver platter will always find its way to me. I was hoping it would be easier. It's not. But it's a damn good thing I know how to use my mask. I use it well, I always have a firm grip. And when I don't. Shit goes down hill. Even though it seems idiotic. I always find a way to justify the actions of those who single handedly offered me my silver platter. It's easier to want to live, when I excuse the wrong doings of others. Yet I can't seem to excuse my own. It slows me down. It makes it hard for me to do some of the things I love. With all these things I still manage to get out. I don't completely isolate myself I use the camping hiking and fishing as my nature therapy. That for me is a stepping stone. With this pandemic going on, it's easy for me to stay away from others. But eventually it will be back to the way it was.
To continue on with stepping stones and road blocks
