What if I lived? ✔️

Now?!

I woke with a start, her high-pitched screams still screeching in my ears. I tried to gulp down air, my lungs straining for it as if I had held my breath, maybe I had. I scrambled out of bed, tripping over my own feet. My fingers strained around the door to the balcony, ripping open the doors for more, for colder air. This wasn't right, she was safe, she was safe. There was no reason to believe otherwise. None. These were just my nerves getting the better of me. I had fared so well until now, they all believed that I was as broken as I needed them to think.

Real dreams, real fears like these... they had no place here. I needed them to stay away until the right time. If I would just have a few weeks more I could be sure. I could be sure!

"You don't look to well, everything alright?" Callum's voice startled me so bad I almost chopped his head off.

He was sitting on the railing in his most beloved form, a raven: "Whoa there, I'm a friend."

A worse lie had never been told, friends were people you could trust. Callum was sworn to Blaise, I could never trust him.

"I haven't got anything for you yet, you're jeopardizing the mission" I glared at him, willing my heart to slow, my breath to stabilize.

If he knew how near I had come to real panic he would pull me out and there would be a price to pay. One I wasn't willing to give up.

He weighed his head: "For everyone else you're talking to a raven, maybe they'd think you're a bit coocoo, but that's about it."

"Callum, I've got nothing for you yet, leave, if you want me to do my job" I was starting to get really angry.

"Well then maybe you should hurry up a bit, the prince expects something within the week. You know what'll happen if you don't deliver" Callum saw the deathly gleam in my eyes so he added, "Just the messenger, Addy, just the messenger."

I gritted my teeth: "Fine. I'll get him anything by tomorrow, but if he gives me more time, I'll get him something he can actually use."

Callum nodded his raven head: "Don't tempt him, Addy. He's already given you two weeks minus the travel time. I'm trying my best to cover for you here, but I can only do so much."

I licked my lips: "I know, Callum. I know."

He crowed, probably meant it to sound a bit cheery, but instead it just startled me, then he flew off into the night. Probably far enough so no one would detect him winnowing back to Vallahan.

There had been no thought of going back to bed after that visit. The only question, where would I get the info Callum, or better, Blaise wanted? He just wanted something, he hadn't specified what in particular, but getting him a list of the favorite snacks of the Night Court's most powerful warriors would probably not ease him off... So what else was there, in the middle of the night?

I put on some socks, put up my hair and then opened the door as quietly as I could. Except for Cassian most of the inner-circle slept in this house, which meant I had to be really quiet or have an excellent excuse if I wanted to break into one of the High Lady's/Lord's studies.

The thought made me feel as if I needed a shower. They had started to trust me, even Azriel after that talk on Saturday. He'd sat with Elain and me for tea for everyday since then, mostly just a quiet presence, but he wasn't running from me. Dinner's had become more welcoming too. I had started to pick up on all the inside jokes, the bickering and the dynamics becoming clearer too. And here I was betraying them. But it would be a small betrayal.

At least it would be me. If Blaise had sent someone else they probably would look for something very incriminating, I didn't. I just wanted more time.