What if I lived? ✔️

Giving in

A/N: Little disclaimer, there's some smut at the end of this chapter. It's not important to the story, so if you find it too cringy, or just don't like reading it, you can just stop reading, there's nothing important coming after the kiss. Well, that's it, have fun reading.

The Clock Tower was towering over me. Sitting at its feet was a bit depressing but I needed to think and the old building always gave me some sense of calm. The building had stood here for thousands of years, somehow that gave me the feeling of blissful irrelevance.

Whatever I felt, whatever these feelings meant, they weren't what I had come here for. I wasn't sure they would jeopardize my mission, but the mere possibility meant shutting them down.

Not to even talk about what Azriel felt. He still loved Elain in some way or another, probably wasn't the slightest bit ready for what this would be. Never mind me as a person, all the baggage I brought with me.

I buried my head in my hands.

This tiny voice in the back of my head, telling me Azriel was exactly what I had been wishing for the last fifty years, maybe even more. A friend, a companion, someone to rely on without any doubt. A person that would understand. Someone that could give me, us, stability.

But I wasn't sure, couldn't be sure that he'd understand, that he wouldn't take one look at the reality of me and either decided to kill me or run. I wasn't even sure anymore what would be worse.

Bullshit, being killed was of course worse. Recovering from a broken heart, possible, but if he would turn me over, that would mean a fate worse than death. So much worse.

Azriel wasn't a bad male, I was almost sure he wouldn't do that... But that almost... I couldn't take any chances, if this was just about me? But it wasn't and I wouldn't wish it otherwise.

But if he really... Then he'd find out. If I would let him get closer, he would find out. So, I had to decide whether I wanted to trust and jump with both my feet or run away.

I'd once told him that I hoped that if I would find love, I wouldn't be a coward.

Were these thoughts cowardice, masking a heart broken over and over or just caution? I wasn't sure that I knew the difference.

But if he understood, if he would still look at me the same way he did now...

"Weren't you the one that told me running wouldn't solve my problems" Rhys sat beside me.

"What about hiding? Will that help?" I squinted at my brother.

He just laughed: "Doubt it."

I schooled my face in innocence: "Did they sent you to find me again? I wasn't bad this time, I promise."

"No, but you're still running" the High Lord surveyed me.

"Rhys, I've been here for such a short time-"

"That's an excuse that you tell yourself. I, for one, knew the moment we met, maybe even before that. I doubt you're much different."

"There's so much that I haven't told you" sighing I rubbed my face, "So much that I'm still sorting through... What if he hates me when he sees who I really am?"

Rhys smiled: "You'll only know if you let him in."

My fingers played with a pebble: "I don't have much time to make that decision."

"You have as long as you need. He'll understand, I'm sure."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Uhm, for one we've been friends for forever and also, I know" he closed his eyes and repeated, "I know."