Take Me To Church (A John Lennon Story)

Chapter Ten: How Could He?

"Mister Lennon...I am going to ask you to leave.  I have to bathe Miss Elisen."  

"Oh...I understand."  He gently touched Ariel's hand.  "I'll be back soon, love."  For some reason I didn't want him to go.  I hated being bathed by a nurse, but I was still too weak to do it on my own.  Though while she washed my hair, arms and legs...my mind wandered elsewhere.  Even though it was completely wrong of me...I imagined John bathing me.  His strong arms working over my frail body, examining me with his beautiful brown eyes, making sure that I was taken care of properly.  Then he leaned down and kissed me, letting his soapy hands wander all over...

The nurse gently tapped my shoulder.  "Ariel...is everything alright?"  She looked almost smug.  I grew embarrassed.  Did I let my thoughts show on my face?  Did I say something out loud?

I said I was fine.  

They let John go back to the house and bring some clothes for me to wear, but they had rules to what I could wear.  Only relatively loose-fitting clothing.  I pleaded with the nurse to let me dress myself in a baggy sweater and a skirt.  She reluctantly agreed.  

It is amazing how much you realize you enjoy simple things like privacy and freedom once it is taken from you.  Even as I dressed myself, the nurse stood at the door watching me.  After what my father did...I felt like my body, my life, was public domain.  

Several minutes later John was allowed back in, and he was back in the chair they brought in for him.  The nurse left to go tend to other patients.  "They say they are going to allow me to go in a day or so.  But they want me to see a therapist.  I don't know where I'm going to go..."

"You'll come with me.  My aunt likes you...she wouldn't mind if you stayed at our house."  It was a kind offer, but I knew it would never happen.  A part of me still feared John after all that had happened.  The thought of living with him was somewhat appealing...but it was also frightening.  And then once again my mind was out on its own and I thought of us sharing the same bed, being so close like we had been before...

He asked me what I was thinking.  "It's really cold in here," I said quickly.  

"Come on, I know you have deeper thoughts than that.  The average dog has deeper thoughts than that.  Please tell me?"  

I played with the sleeve of my sweater.  "When I was having a bath...I daydreamed that it was you who was bathing me..."  

He seemed surprised.  "Really?"  I nodded, blushing furiously.  But it wasn't just embarrassment; it was more shameful.  And without warning John leaned forward and kissed me, and much to both of our delight I did not have the nerve to push him away.  His fingers gently traced my cheek before sliding down my back.  It sent shivers down my spine even though his hands were quite warm.  But then he attempted to slip his hand inside my sweater and I stopped him.  "Please...they'll see us..."

"Shh...love, it's alright.  I won't do anything.  I promise."  He was so concerned.  "Why are you crying?"

My whispers were hoarse and quiet as I didn't want a nurse to come rushing in and make John leave.  "I'm so embarrassed...I love you so much and I want to do this with you, but...not here.  I just...I'm so ashamed..."  

John gently embraced me, which I was thankful for.  "You shouldn't be ashamed.  What he did was not your fault.  I promise you that he won't ever be able to hurt you again...even if it means I get in trouble too."  He let go but still held my gaze.  "I've got to meet my aunt for an hour or so.  Can I get you something from your house, or sneak you something from the sweetshop?  Do you like chocolate?"

I loved chocolate...but was worried that if he was caught with it that they would forbid him from seeing me.  "I'm good, thank you.  You can take your time coming back if you'd like.  You've been stuck here all day."

"I'll hurry back.  I promise."

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After an hour long nap, there came a surprising visitor.  "Hello, Ariel.  I...um, brought flowers."

"Ella?  You...you heard about everything?"

"It's hard not to.  I...I know that you're in pain right now, but I need to tell you something.  About John."  She sat down on the chair that he had previously been sitting in.  Chewing on her lip, she handed me the flowers, as if it were some comforting object.  "Well...to get the flowers, I went to the drugstore, and I saw John there.  But he wasn't alone.  He was with Charlotte Wiles.  She was playing with his jacket, and at first that didn't bother him, but then she pulled him towards the back of the store to listen to one of the records in their booth.  I watched them, Ariel...and they were snogging, and he was tugging at her skirt to bring her closer.  I left after that."  

There wasn't a good way to describe how I felt after that.  Of course, there were the usual questions that floated around, Why would he do that?  What did she have that I didn't?  I was sad.  Then I was embarrassed.  And then, hopelessness.  All of the feelings combined, and I could not do anything besides channel all of my energy into crying as that was the only thing that I did not need help doing.  

Every good thing in my life had been taken from me, which was not much...however once that little bit of hope was taken from me...there was not any point in living anymore.  Why couldn't he have just murdered me?  It would have been easy for him after everything else he had done.  

Ella hadn't me a tissue but I let it fall into my lap.  Things only got worse when a few minutes later John walked through the door.  He immediately knelt by my side to see what was wrong.  "What happened, love?"  He glanced over at Ella.  She was standing up, assuming that it was time for her to go.  Even though I wished she would have stayed.  

"Screw off," I growled, even though I used the worse equivalent of 'screw' which surprised John.  He looked confused as he stood up.  "What's wrong?  Did the nurse say something?"

"No, no...nothing's wrong.  I'll be fine here until tomorrow when they release me.  You can go visit your aunt, relax, take a shower, perhaps invite Charlotte Wiles over.  And don't worry about me, I'll be in excellent condition...until I take the pills all at once.  You will move on then with your new girl.  Good thing her father isn't a loon!" I shouted, standing up.  I wanted to prove that I was still working, and not broken.  At least, not physically.  "I can't believe you."  

John didn't seem to know what to say for a minute or so.  "I...I'm so sorry, love.  It...it was a mistake.  She grabbed me, and I couldn't help myself.  Because you were here...and you didn't like being touched...I just had to touch something.  I'm so sorry...I swear to you that I am.  Don't hurt yourself because of me...please..." What was he to say besides begging for forgiveness?  "Ariel...I love you."  

"I don't care.  You don't have to worry about me hurting myself anymore.  We're through.  Now go."

He was pleading with me.  He tried to take my hand.  "Please-"

"Leave me alone!"