Take Me To Church (A John Lennon Story)

Chapter Twelve: "I'm Sorry..."

Ella arrived at my doorstep the next morning.  I reluctantly stepped outside with her.  "I heard what happened...I didn't mean for you to get hurt again.  I just thought...that if I were dating someone and they were unfaithful I would want someone to tell me."  

"You did the right thing.  He...he actually is coming back to see me.  I'm not certain if I want to make amends or not.  But...I'm afraid that I do still love him."  I tugged my sweater closer to me.  Whenever people stared at me, even if they were simply watching me as I spoke, it felt like they could see through all of my clothing.  They could see everything I was trying to hide.

A thought occured to me.  John had seen almost everything.  

Maybe that was why he wanted someone else...

However it reminded me of all the times I had laid with him, with his gentle arms around me.  My father would have been disgusted, and I smirked at that fact.  I wanted to tell him every little detail to make him wince at how disobidient his daughter had become.  How John held me, where he kissed me, and where he almost got to touch...

My father would probably stone me if I had the chance.  

If I was ever to see him again, I would tell him to go to hell.

And how I wanted to kiss John again...

"Charlotte's a bit obsessed with him.  She...she might seek you out, you know.  But if she does, you mustn't let her words get to you."  Ella warned, pulling her coat closer to her.  Even though it was summer, it was a chilly day.  It looked like rain.  "Has she ever gotten to you?" I asked curiously.  Ella nodded.  "She thinks my brother's a freak.  I don't understand why people refuse to accept him...he's as nice as one could be."

That remark reminded me of Sean, who happened to walk through the door at that time.  He grabbed the little water pail on the bottom step, and walked to the edge of their yard to water Alta's flowers.  

Ella then asked me if I was going to return to school.  I said I wasn't sure.  After everything that had happened, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle everyone's stares and rumors.  The way everyone acted as if I had some sort of horrific disease.  

It was then that John appeared on the sidewalk, and Sean narrowed his eyes at him.  I knew that they were both a bit suspicious of each other.  For a moment I was afraid Sean would stop him again, but he calmly watched him walk up the sidewalk and onto the steps before moving to another flowering bush.  

"Hello, Ella."  

"John...I was just leaving.  Good afternoon," she blushed.  She waved goodbye to Sean, who meekly waved back.  But before she had left, she had discreetly winked at me.  I could tell that she wanted me to give John another chance.  John most likely wanted that too.

We sat on the tiny front steps.  "Have you...given it any thought?"  I nodded.  "I...went to my father's church the other day.  I just needed some quiet.  But while I was there, I had this hallucination...and my father appeared.  He grabbed me, and tried to tell me to be a good girl and be silent.  But I ended up screaming out and frightening everyone there.  I can't ever go back there.  It feels so dangerous.  Like he's still watching every move I make."  

"You're safe.  I swear that to you.  He's in jail...I've seen him there."  

I looked down at my lap, feeling more pathetic than ever.  

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She was so broken.