Battle Scars (magcon)

Chapter 22

Cameron's pov

What is normal anymore? What qualifies us as normal? Is it the money? The clothes? The number of people we know? What is normal and why can't we be normal? We can't be normal because if we were normal, we wouldn't be crying this much. If we were normal, none would be in here and we would all be laughing. Matt, Nash, Carter, Shawn,Jack,Jack,Aaron. They would be here and we would be laughing. That's not normal. Normal is not crying yourself to sleep. Normal is not being numb for all your life because all of your best friends have left. Normal is not having to constantly go to the hospital because you have bad luck and one of your friends had to pay the price. That's not normal..
"They're all dying. We're all dying. What can we do? Nothing. We can do nothing because that wouldn't do anything. So go ahead, try to "fight death" try to beat the people you used to Love! It won't do anything. They want us to fight. We won't. Taylor is dying in there. You know why? Because we were attempting to beat death. Now he's on his death bed and will die. But we won't cry will we? No we won't. Why? Because we've been through this for too damn long and we don't even know what happiness is." I stare at them with complete disgust.

Tears fall down my eyes just like the first time and I can't breath. Depression clinging to me like a small child to his mother.

I run out of the room and shrink against the wall. Never getting your best friend back feels like shit and I miss Nash. His laugh would make anyone laugh. His eyes were always a favorite as well.

I run home and go straight to my bathroom. I wonder how Hayes is dealing with this, I bet he's being strong about it all.
Sitting in my room feels so weird, I don't think I've been in my own room since the while Carter thing. I can't believe it's been almost year since Matt left. I miss him so much, an I don't think the boys know that I wrecked into him.. I need to tell them. Soon too.
I go over and grab my camera, positioning it so that it faced me. The last time I made one of these kinda videos was when Chris left, I miss him too.
"Well, here goes nothing." I state as the camera starts up.
I breathe heavily, closing my eyes as I start talking, "Hey guys, Cam here.. I know that Matt d-died, and I would like to confess something...... I was in the other car during the wreck. I left to go get something from the store and I didn't see them. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to kill him! I didn't even see him," I start crying even harder than I already am," if you don't want to be my friends anymore, I understand. I just hope this doesn't change your perspective on me. Please believe me, I hate myself already for this. Please forgive me for k-k-killing M-Matt! He was my best friend too! I would do anything to go back and stop that from happening, from any of this happening! If I could go back in time I would go back t-to N-N-N-Nash-shs death and I would stop him. I-I would keep Ca-Carter inside and I would believe everything he said. I would take the bullet that went through Ja-Ja-Jacks body, and then I would watch S-Shawn-n and make sure nothing touched him. I would push A-Aaron and Jack-k-k back into the room. Please don't think of me a-any diff-ff-frently. Well, I, uhh, I guess this is it. Love you guys... See you when I see you, cam."
I end the video and put the tape next to me. What have I done? I'm basically a murderer. The pain that I caused was so bad, that Carter went crazy and Nash killed himself. That's not even the worst of them. I'm so sorry.. I can't do it anymore. I basically killed 7 of my best friends!
I go over to my bathroom and the razors. "God, please save me! I need you right now more than ever!! Please help me. I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn't even see them! They just appeared! I tried to stop but the brakes wouldn't work! Lord please I'm begging you." And with that, I split open my skin with the piece of metal. Soon, blood staring pouring out of my skin and I grabbed the pain killers I had saved for something like this. I shove the pills into my mouth and wait for the fun stuff to start.
Soon it starts getting darker and I feel my self getting sleepy. This is what dying feels like. This is what it's like to die.

The guys start knocking on the door, but me being smart locked it. I can't hear them, too tired.
One of the boys knocks the door down and finds me on the floor.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I shoot up from my bed. Wait bed?
I look around. The boys, all of them? I look down at my arms, nothing. It was a dream! I re-count and get the same answer as before. 9. Nine of us. Together . Not dead. Living. "Guys. I know you're asleep, but I love y'all and I never want y'all to leave me!" I whisper. "We love you too Cam." I hear Matt's voice speak back to me...
We live, we die, and get battle scars from the in between.