❝guarded.❞ ↠ jerrie thirlwards (sequel to s.s.)

nineteen

n i n e t e e n - P E R R I E

It's been two weeks since Jade claims that she wants to get a divorce.

I'm a wreck and people are giving me strange looks, but I don't care. All I care about is Jade leaving me, again. I don't want to go through what I went through in high school. Yeah, both of them are my fault and I could have prevented them, but it still sucks, alright? Sometimes people cheat and then regret it, and people don't realize that. People just think that once a cheater, always a cheater and that it's never a mistake. Sometimes it is a mistake. Sometimes you think that you have feelings for them and it's like some stupid reflex that tells your body to kiss them, it's not always because we want to hurt the person we are with. 

Sometimes it's not our fault and it's the other person. They made us kiss them and you just saw what happened and assumed it was our fault. Or, like my case, we were drunk. We didn't know what was happening around us and it just didn't hit you that someone is trying to hit on you or someone is trying to kiss you. You have no control of your body.

And don't you dare say that it's not acceptable for the cheater to be hurt from the breakup. No. Yeah, fine, use that excuse that we should have seen it coming and all of that. Okay, maybe we should have, but it still fucking hurts when you hurt someone. Even if you are goddamn heartless, you feel something. You either feel guilty or you hate yourself. You hate yourself for hurting someone that you actually loved by kissing some other asshole that didn't give two shits about you. You hate yourself for months, years, maybe even till the day you die. 

It hurts, maybe not as much as the person being cheated on, but it hurts.

I take a seat in the break room and watch the coffee maker pour the hot coffee in the giant pot. I listen to the liquid slowly drip down into the now puddle of coffee. My mind is still on Jade, but I'm trying to fade it out. Nothing has worked all day and I know that there is no way that I will stop thinking of her. No matter what, she's all I think about. 

While quietly watching the coffee drip, I feel someone tap my shoulder. I take a deep breath and turn around. 

Ashton. 

My eyes went wide for a moment, rubbing my cheek, remembering all of the moments of him slapping. There's a compilation of him slapping me replaying in my head while I stare at him, my mouth gaping. He chuckles deeply and it sends shivers down my spine. "Hi," I whimper out, actually flinching afterwards because I felt like he was about to hit me again. When I don't feel his hand on my cheek, I look up to find him frowning deeply at me. 

"I'm really sorry about what happened yesterday," he tells me in his soft voice. I have this feeling that he was lying because that's what Zayn said before he started beating me. "Zayn told me of that idea before he left to go to prison and I was thinking it was some terrific idea ever since. It really wasn't. All I did was make you scared of me. I wanted you to love me, not hate me."

I shrug, looking down at my hands which were entertwined with each other. "It's your fault for trusting Zayn," I tell him. I look up at him and give him a small smile. "He has some really shit logic."

He nods his head and takes a seat beside me. He looks down at my hands and sighs softly. "I have loved you since kindergarten, Perrie," he starts to breathe out. I look up at him and he gives me a small smile, but I could still see a frown hidden in it. "I just-" he lets out a small laugh. "-I wish I would have told you sooner and maybe you would have loved me. Fifteen years of being in love with you, Perrie. How pathetic does that sound? I have loved you for fifteen years and you didn't even know my name."

I open my mouth to speak but he stops me before I could, raising his hand and shaking his head. "I just want you to love me," he stutters out. "I said that yesterday and I'm saying it again, but in a better situation. All I've ever wanted was for you to love me."