your smile, i missed it - ShinKami

Chapter 11

I know other people would say that this day was pretty boring but for me it wasn't. Since I hadn't had any normal day for months, I welcomed the opportunity to have a day off from all the hero stuff. Don't get me wrong I really like heroes but right now in the moment they do not give me any sort of hope.

I know that I told everyone that I was doing better but how the fuck do you think that someone who attempted suicide multiple times does get better in less than three weeks? Maybe some people do but I don't, I can't. I've seen too many things I've shouldn't. It would be way easier for everyone if I died when I had the chance to.

And Denki, I can't imagine how he, or someone else, can love something like me. I'm a disappointment, I can't do anything right. Those people were right, I'm meant to be a villain. Everything I do ends up with someone getting hurt, physically or mentally. Why couldn't I've just died when I had the chance to.

It was a warm day in May and I was hiding myself in one of the bathroom stalls. Some boys from Middle school were telling me to kill myself, the usual.

The only difference this time was that my friend was joining them, my only friend, the one I had a crush on, the one that knew of me being gay, the one I trusted the most. I believed him when he told me that it's fine. He even told me that he's gay himself! And me, the silly person that I am, fucking believed him.
And he, he betrayed me.

His actions hurted me too much, his words destroyed me. I can remember every single word. 'Useless', 'Faggot', 'Waste of time', 'Monster', 'Villain', 'Freak', 'Stupid', 'Weak',...

I hadn't realised that I was crying till quite sobs left my mouth. With all my left power I carried myself into the bathroom. As soon as I closed the door, my hands grabbed a little bag hidden under multiple layers of different coloured towels. In the bag were plenty of razors, some had dried blood on them, others looked like nobody touched them. Beside the razors you could see bandages and a bottle of some random alcohol to treat the cuts.

I know that I promised him to stop but I can't . It helps me. It helps me to feel alive again. Something I stopped feeling a while ago. I felt the air hit my arm as I pulled the sleeve of my sweater up. I felt the urge to scream but I kept my mouth shut as more and more tears began to stream down my face.

I took a deep breath and placed the cold steel of the razor on my bared skin. I closed my eyes once I felt the twinge of the razor entering my arm. Blood spurted over the once white bathroom floor.
'Why?' This word kept repeating in my head while my body lost more and more blood. Even as my vision became blurry I didn't stop. I wanted to but I couldn't find the way out of this vicious circle (hate this word), which I couldn't escape from.

As my vision became more and more fuzzy I had to close my eyes and laid down on the blood covered floor. Silence filled the room interrupted by my my heavy, uneven breathing. I opened my eyes for one last glance at my surroundings and spotted a crying blonde screaming something next to me. The only thing I wanted was to tell him that it's alright but I couldn't open my mouth nor hear what my boyfriend was screaming.

It hurted so much.

I just wanted it all to end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sorry, this chapter is short. And it's really hard for me to write happy stuff. So, I wrote some angst. I have no idea if it makes any sense. I didn't read the last chapter, so yeah!
Stay safe
🏳️‍🌈