fake | tratie | EDITING |

| fifteen |

Light filtered through the small window in the cabin, but I didn't get up. Miranda rustled in her bed above me, and I breathed shakily. 

She hopped down the bunk and cast me a look of pity. "Feel like getting up today?"

I didn't answer, and she nodded.

"Okay. Natalie and I'll bring breakfast for you. At least try to eat a little."

I stared blankly at the wall.

She sighed and bent down to rub my arm comfortingly. "Everyone's missing you. After I told Chiron you felt sick, it was hard to keep Will and the other nurses from busting in here to make you better." She searched my face for any sign of a chuckle.

"They can't fix this." My voice cracked as I finally spoke.

She pursed her lips. "Travis isn't worth this, Katie. It's been a week and a half since you've even been outside."

I blinked the drowsiness from my eyes but still didn't get up. "I think if I went out, I'd have a heart attack. Not happening."

Miranda's forehead creased with worry, but she gave me another small nod. "Okay. Just know that everyone's here for you."

And she left me with my thoughts. 

Deep in my head, I knew that she was right. It was ridiculous that I crashed so hard over a stupid fake relationship. And the dumbest part about it was that he'd wanted to make it real. I did, too. But my anxiety always got the best of me, and that moment was no exception.

How stupid would I have been to think he was being serious?

I'd had a lot of time to think about it, and I was too scared to take that jump. I'd been let down so many times by my relationships in the past, how would this one be any different? I couldn't risk opening up just to be destroyed again.

I didn't think my confidence could handle another depletion. 

As I waited for Miranda and Natalie to deliver my breakfast, I tidied up the cabin. One perk of being totally demolished was that the cabin had never been cleaner: the tree supporting the roof was well-trimmed, the bunks were all made, the windows sparkled, the succulents were thriving... 

Maybe if I cleaned enough, I could eventually clean myself up.

Unlikely, but I tried.

I stepped into the shower for the first time in a handful of days. I felt disgusting, but hadn't felt like doing anything about it. Now was as good a time as any to wash up before Miranda and Natlie came. They'd be proud.

The water washed away the hard shell of numbness I'd kept on, and a sob escaped me. I was pathetic. I couldn't even get a grip after almost two weeks of wallowing in self pity! Why couldn't I just have moved on like any normal person would do?

My family's comments rushed into my memory as I contemplated why I went through with the whole thing in the first place. "When are you going to find someone to be with, Katie?" "You can't die alone." "Anyone in particular catching your eye?" 

"Is it because nobody likes you?"

"That's nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure someone's out there, sweetie."

"Someone hard to find, but they're out there."

I slouched against the wall of the shower and bit my lip. Travis had offered to get me out of that situation, and now I'd have to resort myself back to it. No more using a fake boyfriend - or real boyfriend - as a shield.