Forbidden feelings - Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

Better dead than a failure

Almost falling onto the ground was what woke you up. This was nothing unusual for you, you could even recall few times of waking up on the floor. You got up almost immediately leaving the warm and comfortable bed and put your shoes back on. One thing you wished not to do was irritate or annoy Kylo Ren in anyway. He isn't known as a patient person at all and you would be spending today with him because of the little task to earn his trust and if he was in a bad mood everything would be harder. First thing you saw on the hallway was Kylo just standing there without his mask on. It took a few moments to recognize him, this was the second time you saw him like that. But why was he just standing there? "You're up. I was just about to wake you up because we need to leave now, Hoth is not close." He told you. If he would wake you up how would he do it? He could be an ass and just drop you to the ground or just yell at you to wake up or he could be at least somewhat nice and lightly shake you. Maybe one day you would find that out. Waking up early wasn't something that was easy for you. "Well good morning to you too." You said, you weren't the nicest possible person right after waking up. The planet you had jumped into the ship full of stormtroopers wasn't Hoth so you had almost no warm clothes and the coldness of the planet would kill you in matter of minutes if you went there in the clothes you were wearing. "I don't have any warm clothes..." You mumbled. He just said: "We'll grab something on the way to the ship"

The hallways that just hours ago had been dead were no longer so dead, few people passed on by. "Grab what you need." He ordered you after stopping in front of what was probably some kind of a storage unit. You stepped in and started to look for something to keep you warm. None of these would do the job very well but they were better than nothing. After some time, you walked out with a jacket and other things to keep you at least somewhat warm. Would this be the last time you saw anyone from the resistance? Would this be the last goodbye? The thought of leaving your family and friends behind almost made you cry but managed to keep it in. Now wasn't the right time for tears, you would cry about it later that was for sure. Last thing you wanted at this moment was anyone telling to stop crying over nothing. Soon you were inside one of the ships, it wasn't all too big but not small either. "As someone who used to be a spy, I'm expecting you to know how to fly a ship." He said. "It's been sometime since I was piloting a ship. I don't want to break this." You said. Getting him mad this early would ruin the rest of the day, not that you even wanted to be there, but it would just make the matters worse. "As long as the ships stays in a condition where it still flies it's okay. You fly us there because you know where to land so we would not be seen, and I'll fly as back." He said and you nodded. Usually you would land inside of the base but since this was a First Order ship it would be mandatory to land it on the side where neither of you would be spotted. Little nervously you sat down in the cockpit but soon you were on your way to Hoth. "Why are you always wearing that bucket on your head?" You asked, some type of a conversation would be needed to keep you focused. "It's not a bucket and you know that. I have my reasons." He said sighing a little. Seems like he does not want to talk to me, you thought. It could've been the question you asked or just in general. Flying in the silence it is then.

You landed on the cold snow-covered planet. "Return with all the plans before sun sets, if you keep me waiting you are in trouble. If you run away, I will come after you and kill you but before that making you watch your friends die. Same happens if you tell anyone about this." He said on a very serious tone. "I'm allowed to say goodbye to my friends and family?" You asked and he just nodded. The second you jumped out of the ship the cold wind started to blow on to your face making the way to the base much harder. What trouble would I face for making him wait? Probably not death but something like torture probably, you thought. Entering the familiar place, you used to call home for years. Instantly your mom approached you asking how the mission went. "It went just fine, but I need to know all of the bigger plans we have against the First Order. It's very important." You said lying about how the mission went. It would be embarrassing if she knew the whole truth. One day she would find out but the later the better. You felt bad about lying. "If it truly is that important you should go and discuss this with general Organa." Your mom told you and you just nodded. This was the only way to find out about those plans you previously were not informed about. Leia was the last person you wanted to lie to but you were left with a choice to watch all of the Resistance falling apart right then and there or exposing the plans and doing that only partly if possible. Neither of them really was good but exposing the plans was better. "It's really important. All the plans we have against the First Order. This could really save us all." The way of you speaking to Leia like that was not to come off as rude but rather as talking to someone close to you. Eventually after some discussion you had all you needed to know. Now it was the hardest part of it all saying goodbye. Hugging almost everyone in silence trying not to cry was the worst thing ever. "This may be the last goodbye." You silently said, not wanting to explain why. It was better if they thought you were dead rather than a failure. Quickly disappearing after saying what you said 

By the time you had made it back to the ship you were crying. "You can't hold on to the past, sometimes you need to leave it behind." You heard Kylo's voice. Weird that he had not demanded you to stop crying or that it was nothing. At least all the emotions weren't forbitten at least when there were no other people around. "I know..." You said very quietly. How could anyone just let go of their past and forget about it completely? That was what you thought all the way back. Your brain had understood and accepted your choice, but your heart was still progressing it. This had been the worst day of your life. Both of you were quiet before you got back to his quarters. "Thank you." You quietly mumbled. "For what?" He asked and you answered: "For not saying anything bad about the fact that I cried all the way back and still feel like crying even though no tears are coming out." "I'm not completely emotionless, there's a lot you don't know and maybe never will." He said. How can he do this? Leave you with so many questions. "See you tomorrow." He said leaving you alone with your thoughts. All of this made you fall asleep the second you hit your bed. In the morning you would find out if you passed his test or not.