Meant for Me | ✔️

30) home is where the hurt is

Thursday, 7th September

A D D I E

My cellphone was ringing from somewhere inside my bag where I'd left it. The incessant chime woke me up from where I was asleep on the living room floor.

I hadn't moved since whatever time I'd collapsed yesterday afternoon. I hadn't eaten. I didn't know what time it was. The only reason that I knew it was a new day was because I'd woken up in the middle of the night, hated the feeling of awareness and gone back to sleep.

But it had been about ten minutes that the phone had been ringing now. It wasn't letting me fall back into a slumber, so I dragged myself over to the duffel, unzipped it and felt around until I clutched it, hitting answer without checking the ID.

"Hello?"

"Addie, thank fuck," Zac breathed from the other end of the line and I froze.

Zac.

His voice was like a shock wave, sending ripples of reminders throughout my body. It was hard to believe that Zac wasn't a dream. It was hard to believe that entire month happened when I was back here, drowning in guilt and grief. It felt so surreal to hear his voice.

"Addie." I heard him swallow. "I messed up real bad, Ads. I know that. I'm sorry. I accused you of something that I should never have accused you of. Raine told me everything and I jus- I'm so ashamed of how I behaved."

I didn't know how to respond.

"Addie?"

"I'm-" my voice was hoarse, so I cleared my throat- "I'm here."

"I'm so sorry, Addie. I wish I could put it into words, how damn sorry I am."

"I forgive you."

And I had. I'd forgiven him before I'd left. His reaction was justified, normal even. Sure, he could have given me a minute to let me explain, but it wasn't the first time he'd jumped to conclusions. This time, I saw it as a blessing in disguise. I couldn't have stayed there and kept on pretending as if my life was one iota of normal.

"You do?"

"Yeah," I sat up and folded my legs. "Yeah I understand why you were upset."

"No," he said, firm. "No, I shouldn't have responded like that. It wasn't fair. Addie, please come back. Please."

"Zac, I get that you're sorry and I forgive you and all of that is fine. But I'm still pregnant. I'm having a baby that I'm going to have to raise. That hasn't changed. You made it clear that you're not ready to play dad. There's no point in me coming hom- back."

"I didn't mean what I said, Ads."

"Really?" I asked, not believing a word that he said. "You're willing to be a step father? With a woman that you barely know?"

"I know you," his voice was low and desperate. "I do. Addie, I want to be with you."

His words made me want to weep, but I didn't have tears left. Instead I felt the immense pain welling up inside of my chest. "You don't know me. You can't. I haven't been me since I lost Margo. You've seen a version of me. A version that was trying to survive and plastering on a smile every morning and doing her best not to crumble. Zac, I ran away from home and spent a month completely ignoring the fact that I was pregnant."

"I know," he exhaled. "I know but it doesn't matter. I know how I feel about you. I know that I don't want this to be over. I'll be the step father. I'll be the best damn one. I want you, Addie."

I slowly lay back down on the floor, not having the strength to remain upright. "Zac," I said, barely a whisper. "I'm doing you a favor, alright? I'm not coming back to Texas to be with you. Go and find a woman who hasn't been pretending to be someone she's not the entire time you've known her. Start a proper family of your own. Fall in love with someone who isn't broken. You'll thank me for it later, trust me. I'm not the one."