My Secret Longing

You can't control everything

Two days after what happened at Raul's office, I was still reeling from its after-effects. I couldn't concentrate on work, couldn't stop thinking about him, and I finally came to terms with my true feelings. I loved him. I reasoned that I wouldn't have allowed him to kiss me or do whatever we did in his office if I hadn't fallen for him. In the past, I had always longed for someone who would find me irresistible enough to lust after me. But it was just wishful thinking, and I believed it would never happen. So Raul wanting me all of a sudden seemed unreal, which made me avoid him and what was happening all along.

I am not a prude, but I am also not a believer in casual sex. I always knew I couldn't have sex with someone without being emotionally invested. So it definitely proved that I liked Raul because when he first kissed me, that too after hurting me a lot, I allowed him, and I kissed him back or at least tried to.

All along, he had been right. It was frightening to accept that I had become the typical insecure girl to fall for the first person who was into me. I knew that I didn't like him for his looks or money, but the thought of what everyone will think if I accepted his proposal was scary. That day at the embassy, I didn't focus on work at all. I was bombarded with guilt for not being able to concentrate on work, also with the fear for the future.

As I was about to go home that evening, Anaya told me that Mr.Mishra wanted to see me. When I went to his room, I could sense something was wrong. When I asked him what was wrong, he showed me a magazine report. I took it from him, and after reading it, froze in place.

I was transported back to reality only when Mr.Mishra called my name. He reluctantly asked, " Bhavishya, I take it that you didn't know about this?" I immediately said, "No," and absently asked, "Why would they publish something like that ?" It was a question more to myself than to him. So instead of answering it, he asked, " So I believe Mr.Rey wants to marry you?" I didn't know what to say to that, so I just nodded. 

He then continued, " I hope you know that if you want to marry him, either you have to give up citizenship or he has to. But if you are, then you have to resign. I didn't get back to you about your Portugal assignation because of this. When I talked to Mr. Rey, he said not to assign you, and he is planning to marry you very soon ".

 I was dumbfounded after hearing that but recovered quickly and asked, " So Mr . Mishra, you had talked about my career issue with Mr.Rey without even informing me ?" 

He understood my sarcasm and solemnly said, "Bhavishya, you are a talented person, and we don't want to lose you, but I have known Mr. Rey for a long time. He is not one to go around and create a scene in the embassy for anyone he is not serious about, so I thought I must convey your decision to him. It's not like we colluded behind your back, don't take it that way." 

I didn't want to hear what he had to say anymore, so I interrupted him, " It's ok, Mr . Mishra, but now that they have printed publically about our relationship, do I have to give any written explanation or something to the External Affairs Ministry."

He said, " No, it is not necessary, but you both have to make a decision. He is a high-profile person in the country, and you are a diplomat, so it may turn into a media circus." He then looked at me sincerely and said, Bhavishya, you have my full support in whatever decision you make." I nodded in agreement and said, " Thank you, sir." I soon left the embassy and came home.

I looked for the magazine article on the net. It said," Billionaire Raul Rey is engaged to an Indian diplomat, and the wedding is soon expected," and also said the news was from a reliable source. I couldn't believe he would go to that level to get what he wanted.