Where the heart lies

Chapter 12

My heart raced waiting for the words to come out of his mouth, going a million miles a second. Time stood still, everything around me started spinning. My chest was tight, all the air was sucked out of me as I waited patiently for him to answer.

"Are we over?" I asked again, the words were frantic. The shock on his face was obvious and the lump in my throat grew with the silence. It felt like an eternity had passed before he answered. "No! Of course we're not over!" J practically shouted, "Do you want us to be over?" The tears in his eyes started to form and all of the strength that I had held onto disappeared with the crack of his voice. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding and my shoulders relaxed knowing that he had still wanted me.

"Can we go somewhere and talk please?" Jeremiah begged and all I could give him was a simple nod. "Okay. Good. Great," he let out a breath, "Are you hungry? Want to go to Ray's?" I smiled at him and watched out the window in silence as we made our way to my favorite place. The thoughts in my mind were running rampant, hitting my skull like wrecking balls trying to get out. My anxiety grew in the fifteen minute drive but my heart still fluttered at the thought that this boy, this gorgeous green eyed hunk, was still mine. He still wanted to be mine.

When we made it to the diner, sat down and ordered our drinks, my fidgeting hands gave away the calm that I was trying to portray and Jeremiah grabbed them in his to calm my nerves. I looked up at his stunning face and was met with nervous eyes and a concerned brow. I gave him a slight smile to show him I was fine but I was anything from fine. I couldn't take the silence anymore and the questions started spewing from me. "What happened that you got kicked out? When are you leaving? How are we going to make this work? We won't be able to see each other if you're in Florida and I'm here! Are we even going to have sex or anything?" The last question flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. My eyes went wide, my lips curled between my teeth and I waited. Jeremiah smiled at me and started to laugh which only made me boil in anger. "Stop it!" I smacked his arm in an attempt to get him to be serious, to answer my questions but it only fueled his laughter.

My favorite waitress, Barb, came over and we placed our usual orders, giving Jeremiah time to catch his breath before answering my questions. He looked down at the table, took a deep breath and began on a sigh, "I was being stupid. I've always been stupid, but this time my mom had enough. I had a party at the house with some of the boys and we trashed the entire house. The cops came, I was arrested for underage drinking and there were drugs at the house so my mom could have gotten into a lot of trouble." He took a drink of water before continuing, "Luckily, because my mom knows a lot of the cops -since she works in the courthouse- they only gave me a slap on the wrist and told her she had to do something. So this is her doing something. Sending me away to go live with my grandma." My mind started to spin. When did he have a party? Drugs? Cops? What the hell is going on? This sounds nothing like the Jeremiah that I know. I knew he had a past but I didn't know that it was like this and I sure as hell didn't know that it was still happening.

As if reading my mind J began to answer all of my unshed questions. "I used to party all the time and use any drug I could get my hands on but when I met Chris, I started to simmer down. He helped me realize that I didn't need any of that shit, and then when he introduced me to you.." J looked up at me and smiled, "I didn't want to get into trouble and ruin anything between us. But then I fucked up." His head flew into his hands and his deep sigh filled the diner. "We were barely talking the two weeks before school and at the time I didn't understand why, I thought you were losing interest in me so I wanted to do something to get my mind off of it, off of you. So, I invited people from my past to come to the party and one thing lead to another..." My heart sank at his words. Was this my fault?

"What do you mean one thing led to another? Did you cheat on me?" The pain in my voice broke through the air and all attempts to hide my tears were lost. "No! No! I couldn't and wouldn't do that!" I sighed in relief and wiped the tears. "I just started drinking and I smoked some pot and I went outside to escape everything. But when I got back, the house was trashed and the cops were at my door. My mom said she had enough and that my grandma could deal with me from now on. That she could hopefully whip me in shape. I'm moving on Saturday." The last part was whispered. J's eyes fell to the table again, waiting for my response to the heartbreak.

"Saturday? Like this Saturday?" Of course it's this Saturday but I needed him to confirm. I needed to hear the words from him. That's two days away!

"Yes, this Saturday. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could. We can still call each other and text everyday. Florida is not that far and maybe if the flights are cheap I can come visit or you can. You've lived there before right? You can come back and see it again. And this is our senior year, who knows maybe I'll come back up here for college or you'll come down. Maybe we can both find a college in a different state to go to together," he rambled breathlessly, only stopping when the food arrived. I smiled at his words, he wanted us to work, someway or another, he was trying to come up with a plan for us to work and that was all it took for me. That was all I had needed.

When we finally finished our food I spoke, "We can try to make it work. I want to make it work." The hope in his eyes sparkled and all the anxiety escaped me. Jeremiah grabbed my hands and guided me to the car after he paid the bill. As we got in the car he looked over at me and smirked.

"What?" I said grinning back at him confused, wondering what he was thinking. He grabbed my hand, brought them to his lips and kissed my knuckles. "Now about this whole sex thing...." my smile fell and my stomach hit my feet. I had completely forgotten that I had mentioned having sex with him and the thought of it now terrified me. The air changed from light and sweet to heavy and thick. I felt my heart pounding out of my chest and I think Jeremiah could hear it too. "I don't want to rush you into anything. I love you, Freya. As scary as that is for me, I love you. I don't want to mess that up by rushing you into sex just because I'm leaving in a few days. If you want to wait then we will wait, please don't try to do this just because you're scared we never will."

His words cut through me like a knife to my tender skin and in that moment I loved him more than I could have ever imagined. My smile grew and the heavy air began to lighten. I leaned over the middle console and planted a tender kiss on his lips, pulling back slightly, just to look into his pools of greens. J smiled tenderly, placing his hand on my cheek. It warmed me and I smiled, leaning in to kiss him again and again. With each kiss the tenderness was replaced by warmth and passion and before I knew it J's hands were gripping my hair and our breathing was becoming heavy. Turning from slow breaths to fratic pants.

I had carefully climbed my way over the middle and onto his lap being careful not to break our kiss. With one hand gripping my hair at the base of my neck, his other lifted and was placed on my hip. My hands clung to his hair tugging, bringing him closer to me with each kiss. Every time I kissed Jeremiah it was like heaven. My body reacted to him in a way that I couldn't describe. I yearned for his touch, ached for his lips to touch mine and our tongues to graze each other, but there, in the car, it was different. In the car, after his words, it was like a moth to a flame. My body needed him. Wanted him. Had to be near him. With each kiss, each touch, each tug of the hair I ached for more.

"Are you sure?" Jeremiah panted, as my hands moved to the fly of his jeans. I nodded, staring into his eyes, a little ring of gold surrounded his dilated pupil making his greens look hazel. I closed my eyes listening to the slight noise of the zipper opening. He smiled, pulled my head in closer until our foreheads were touching and placed a single kiss on my nose. I smiled at him through my lashes. My lips touched his soft ones and I couldn't help it.

My once calm demeanor had been taken over by my fumbling lips and shaking fingers. Ripping his shirt off his head and reaching for mine, I pulled back for a minute to examine the man in front of me. The man that I had loved. The man that I was going to lose my virginity to. His chiseled body glistened in a light layer of sweat and I could see his chest rising and falling with his frantic breathing.

My heart pounded at the thought of having him, of having all of Jeremiah and my stomach filled with butterflies. Happiness overflowed my body and I was so excited for this next step in our relationship, even if it was about to happen in a car, in the diner's parking lot. But then the loudest noise interrupted my wonderful thoughts and both Jeremiah and I jumped at the knock on the window.