Where the heart lies

Chapter 33

Walking down the busy street to the little café I had planned to meet Jeremiah at, so many memories begin to fill my mind. The night he showed up when I was out with Chris and we started talking, getting to know each other again, floats into my mind. The way my eyes widened when he said his wife had cheated on him, leaving the kids for her new beau. How my heart skipped a beat when he told me his daughters middle name was Freya. But most of all it was the look in his eyes-love I think, yearning maybe?- when I told him my daughters full name. Ava-Lily Ray Rodriquez. Ava for short-after my mom. The recognition in his brain from that night long ago outside in his car when he told me what he wanted to name our kids sparked fiercely in his eyes and I knew, that he knew right then, that he was always with me.

He had picked the name Ava because he knew how much I loved my mom and after she died her name was all I had left, same with Lily. Two of the most important people in my life were gone and when I had my daughter-my light, my saving grace-she showed me what love is again. She showed me that my heart was still beating. So when the nurse had come in and asked me what I chose for her name it wasn't hard. Ava, after my mom. Lily because she was not only my best friend but my sister. And Ray because despite it all, that diner, that place, had some of the best memories I will always cherish and I wanted to feel all of that love, not only when I looked down at my daughter but when I called her name. Who knew that such a small gift could be the biggest blessing? It's like I was living in the darkness all my life and then BAM, the brightest star in the universe pops into my hands and my world turned upside down.

I'll never regret how I got Ava. Focusing on the past will get you no where. The moment she came into my life I had to force all of that fear, all of that sadness, anger, sickness, down deep and focus on what lies ahead. I focused on giving her a life I never had, a love I've never felt. So when Jeremiah sort of stepped into the role of helping me raise her it threw me for a loop. It's been nice having someone around. Someone to help me when I'm stressed, to dote on me and make sure we're both taken care of. I smile at the thought.

I had felt so lonely in the beginning. I went through my pregnancy, birth, everything by myself. No support system. No family. No friends. I cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion and screamed my head off on others-which ended up with me crying because I felt horrible for screaming. It hurt, I won't deny that. But I did the right thing, I have no doubt about that. But did you do the right thing about Jesse? I shake my head to rid it of the thoughts. Trying to focus back on good memories. Memories of Jeremiah. The night we first slept together a few weeks ago. He was so gentle at first. The way his hands trembled a little when he took of my dress. We had gone out to dinner, the kids were with Chris. We had some wine, talked, and one thing led to the other.

My dress fell in a pool at my feet after he unzipped it. Jeremiah took a step back to soak me in, really soak me in. He bit his fist and shook his head, cursing under his breath. He guided me to the bed, our lips attached every step of the way as I fumbled to take off his buttoned down shirt and unfasten his belt. My knees hit the bed and we fell back, our lips never leaving each others. The kiss was light, tender and filled with love. As if we weren't sure that the other was real. Jeremiah feathered kisses down my neck, to my collar bone, past my breasts and just as I thought he was going to graze my pebbled nipple he pulled away. He took my bra and panties off slowly, watching me the entire time. When he eased inside of me, my eyes slammed shut and I craved for him to go faster, rougher, but it never came. He took me slowly, painfully slowly. Wanting to feel every inch inside of me, cherish every movement.

When my orgasm finally came it was like the earth had shattered. My body trembled for so long I never noticed when Jeremiah came, it was only when he eased out of me slowly that I knew. He disposed of the condom, got back in bed and wrapped me in his embrace. Leaving kisses all over my shoulders, spine and neck. I had never made love before but if that was it, it was beautiful. But there was a constant voice in the back of my head that kept saying But is that really enough? That's not what you really want. That's not how you want to be satisfied.