IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 11

It wasn't that she didn't like autumn, but it just meant that winter was right around the corner and that she didn't care for. So far, the season had been warmer than usual allowing her to spend her time outside and down on the beach.

Can had seemed to have lost interest in the constant phone calls and texts. They were down to one a day. But she hadn't received anything for a couple of days. Relived or anxious, she wasn't quite sure and that made her annoyed with herself. After almost seven months you'd think I would be getting over it. But we are talking about Can Divit. He was not easy to forget.

Sunday morning----that was her lazy time. A good cup of chia and a fire in the back garden. Luca would make an occasional appearance and bring some rolls to go with chia. He was more of a coffee person so he brought his own and this Sunday morning was no exception. There was an easiness about their friendship and something about it made her feel safe. Coffee, rolls, and the newspaper, always the same. Maybe that's what she liked about it, the constant predictability of it all. She knew where she stood with him and that wouldn't change, maybe, even if she made a mistake.

"Wow! Six months in the Balkan Mountains taking pictures. There's got to be a lot of stories to tell there," Luca said with a laugh. "That takes someone special!"

The blood flooded to her head and pounded there like a drum; her heart dropped to her stomach. He was still talking to her but she was deaf to it. There she was, back to all her organs shaking and shifting again just like in the opera house. "Sanem? Sanem, hey are you okay?" Luca looking at her with instant concern. "What? Oh, yeah I'm fine. I just can't imagine something like that." she fumbled to get the words out.

"I know," he said, "And the woman! It says she's a physicist in London. Look they have their picture," as he thrust the newspaper in front her. "They sure look like a power couple to me."

She couldn't help but look. He looked thinner, his beard was bushy and a little unkept but never the less still gorgeous. Polen looked her same model-like self, confident and regal standing next to him.

If her eyes could burn anymore from all the tears that she was holding inside they would surely catch on fire. She snatched up her stuff and mumbled an excuse of complete nonsense and darted into the house. Luca reluctantly gathered up his cup and newspaper and left, knowing that something wasn't right. He would come back later and check on her; he'd give her some time and maybe she would talk to him.

Sanem stumbled into the house and locked the door behind her. The tears rolled down her face with no way for her to stop them. Running into the bathroom, she stripped off her clothes. She turned the shower on and stood there, letting the hot water burn her skin and the steam to fill the room. Damn him; she seemed to always be crying over him. Would it ever stop? She had to make it stop. Yes, she had told him to go back to his life with her, so again, yet another lie she would have to forgive herself for.

The water turned to ice after standing there shamming and ridiculing herself for the longest time. She screamed and quickly reached to turn off the water. She toweled off and put on an oversized t-shirt. Wrapping a towel around her hair, she flopped on her bed. Was she going to allow him to knock the breath out of her again as before? Polen, Ceyda and Aichan had all flirted deliberately with him in front of her and he did nothing to put them in their place. She had to be strong and accept the inevitable. That was what this master plan was all about anyway, right?

When she opened her eyes, her clock said 2 o'clock. She had slept for three hours. Not what she had planned to do but she needed it. She unwrapped her hair and combed through letting the rest dry on its own. She liked the natural wavy look it had when it dried in the wind.

She made a salad and grabbed the book she had been reading. She propped herself up on the sofa to read. Totally engrossed in the book, she hadn't noticed the hour and got up to turn on the light. It was already 7 o'clock. Then there was a knock on the door. Who can that be? she thought. She opened the door to see Luca there. "Hi there, you doing okay?" he asked squinting his eyes at her as if he was examining her. She assured him she was find and asked he wanted a glass of wine. Accepting her offer, he came in and sat at the kitchen table. He told her he had come by earlier but didn't get answer and was worried. She told him he must have come while she was taking a nap and she didn't hear him. They talked a minute before he came right to the point. "Why did that story about that photographer upset you so bad this morning?" Well, let's just get straight to it then.

"He is the reason that I'm here." she sighed, barely being able to speak the words.

"I kind of thought as much," he said. "Was that lady the reason you broke up?" Sanem drew in a breath, "No. Actually that is his ex-girlfriend, or maybe his current one, I don't really know." Squinting down his eyes and her he asked, "Is he the one that calls and texts you every day that you don't answer?" "Yes he is," she said.

"Well that's not the actions of a man that has moved on, trust me," he stated. "Look, you can tell as little or as much as you want right now. I'm not going to push you on it, but at some point, you're going to have to talk about or it will eat you up inside, and I'm a pretty good listener. When you're ready."

"Okay, just not tonight. I don't want to talk about it tonight." she replied.

He stood to leave and brought her into his body and held her there. His arms were strong and inviting and she knew he wanted to be her protector. She stepped away and smiled saying, "can we talk tomorrow?" He slowly nodded and started for the door. "Goodnight." She closed the door thinking how his arms had felt around her.

Maybe it was time to finally confide in someone. What did she have to lose? She had pretty much lost everything already. She would think about it.

The next morning was chaos. She was running late and she hated to be late or in a rush. She would have to put off calling Abla until that evening. It had been a slow day at the store and she was able to get caught up on a lot of things. She was just locking up when her phone pinged. "Sanem? I'm home. Please call me."

Before she walked the short distance home, Leyla had called her. "Hello sister, how are you?" Sanem answered. Leyla responded, "Sanem, Can is home."