IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 13

She decided it was time to get that new number after all. She purchased a new cell phone and asked for a different number because someone had been harassing her on her old one. When she arrived home, she found a pizza box with her favorite pizza inside sitting by her door. The note said: 'Thought you might like this. It seems you've had to work late. We can talk later... Bon appetite! Luca.' Oh, how sweet, she thought, this my favorite kind and I'm so hungry. She grabbed a glass of wine and a plate for the pizza and stretched out on the sofa. She texted abla and told her this was her new number and to save it in her contacts list. She also asked her to be sure and give it to Anne and Baba and tell them she would call them tomorrow. Leyla sent a text message back and said she was glad she got a new number and let Sanem know that Can had been asking anyone and everyone if they had heard from her. Her last text message of the night read, "I wouldn't doubt it if he doesn't put out a reward on you, he's really desperate."

Sanem tried not to think about him but her mind refused to cooperate. She got full on her pizza and the wine was doing its job of making her relaxed. She cleaned up the kitchen, poured her another glass of wine and made her way to the bedroom. Changing into her pajamas, she slipped into her bed. She reached for her glass, if there was ever a two-glass night, it was tonight. She would call Luca in the morning to thank him for the pizza she thought as she fell asleep.

It had been pretty slow at the bookstore lately so Iris had left it to her to run. She enjoyed being alone there; it gave her time to work on her book and to read which always gave her inspiration. It was about lunch time when the bell rang as the door opened. She rushed out from the back to see Luca there with sandwich and chia. He lifted up the tray to her as if it was an offering. She laughed and took the tray.

"Are you trying to fatten me up or something?" She giggled.

He smiled and replied, "Melite from the cafe had prepared it for her. You have to eat lunch so I thought I would deliver it," He gave her his squinted look and said, "l hardly think you are going to get fat!"

They sat and he watched her as she ate and chatter about the progress she had made on her book that day. She told him she had gotten a new phone and number and not to let her forget to give it to him before he left. Surprised, he asked if she was ready for that. He stated that was pretty final for her and for him.

He questioned, "Is that a possible mistake that you're ready to make?" He looked away from her and bowed his head as if ashamed saying, "I kept my wife's phone for two years after she died just to be able to hear her voice on the voicemail. I was terrified I would forget the sound of her voice."

Sanem feverishly tried to swallow the last bite of sandwich that was stuck in her throat along with her heart. The look of pain and loss in his eyes was heartbreaking for her. Her mind was racing with the thought that maybe she had acted hastily. What was she going to do when there was no pinging of a text and no ringing of the phone? It was final, what had she done. She had removed all of Can's thoughts of her and every deliberate appeal for her forgiveness just as if they didn't matter. To come to the defense of her heart her inner voice made an appearance of logic reminding her that her pleas for forgiveness and understanding from him had been ignored and it was his actions that had brought them to this state.

Luca could see she was realizing the reality of her decision. He grabbed the tray and turned to leave knowing all too well the feelings in her heart. He had lived the same feelings some time before when coming to his realization that her voice would not bring her back to him. She jolted back to herself as he moved to the door saying, "Wait, I need to give you my number!" He returned with, "There's no hurry, I'll come over tonight and you can give it to me then. Maybe we can talk, you know a real talk."

Completely distracted now of any kind of work on her book she finished the list of contacts on her new phone. When she added in Nuans Publishing House, she knew she needed to call Ahmet and relay her new information and find out the status of the release.

She rang Ahmet's number and got his voicemail so she decided to leave the information and he could return her call. After five minutes, Ahmet was called back excited to hear from her. She explained she had gotten a new number and wanted to update her contact info. They talked about the book and he told her he had confirmed a couple of engagements for her in Italy for the release tour. Greece and ltaly would launch first with the others to follow shortly thereafter. Leyla had expressed concern about her using her proper name as the author when the book was to be released. At the time Sanem hadn't thought about a pen name but Leyla pointed out it could draw attention and jeopardize her desire to no be found.

She took this opportunity to talk to him about it and ask if that was something that would be a possibility. He said that was not out of the ordinary and could be taken care of quickly. He asked if she had a preferred name to use, so she replied Aysel Aydin. She had always loved Aysel because of the meaning, 'of like the moon'. And Aydin was a very common surname so it couldn't draw much unwanted attention. They agreed and he would send a contract along stating the changes, it was all fairly painless. She had finally completed another step to alienate herself from her past and all that represented her.

She gathered up her things and locked up the store. As she walked home, she hoped her decision didn't upset her parents. It was something she had to do like so many things she had to do in the last seven months. Trying to save her heart meant losing her identity.

The cold air made for a brisk walk home and she was glad to change into her cozy clothes and curl up. She opted for a light dinner and a hot cup of tea, no wine tonight for that could quickly become a habit.

Luca had watched her walk down the street to her house and thought to give her time to eat and unwind a little then he'd go over. He hoped she would talk to him tonight and trust him enough to open her heart. Contemplating the idea of filling his heart with someone else was causing anxiety and doubt as to whether he was ready for it all. Up to this point there hadn't been anyone that made him feel joy or feel at ease in his own skin. But what if she wasn't ready. Would it be too much for him to take?