IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 5

She had arrived in Chania Greece three days before the seminar was to begin in hopes to get herself familiar with the town.

The goodbye at the airport had been difficult. Her plan of not returning to Istanbul at the end of the seminar was a well-guarded secret. In fact, she hadn't told anyone that she would not return. When she got there and got settled in, she would let Leyla know her plans.

The town was mesmerizing and so full of color and life. Her cottage was very quaint and small but it was all she needed. After unpacking she moved to the back deck facing the sea. What a sight----she wondered where Can was and what he was doing. But after a stern talking to, she decided it wasn't going to do her any good to sit and dwell. She was there for a new beginning and she was going to have it if it killed her!

She made a quick phone call to Leyla to let her know she arrived safely. Leyla told her that Can had been binge calling Emre and has adamantly insisting that they tell him how to get ahold of Sanem since she wouldn't answer or return texts.

Can's famous words of "Is she just trying to drive me crazy or what?" was the opening and closing to every conversation.

Sanem knew this was going to be a reality check for him because he had never experienced rejection from any woman. Not that he sought after other women's affection but it was just the fact that he had a certain demeanor that attracted them. She often wondered if that was part of the draw towards her, the fact she kept running from him. It was even mentioned a time or two how she was like the wind and he couldn't hold her in his hands.

She begged her sister to hold strong and keep putting him off in hopes he would grow tired and give up. She would call again in a few days.

There had been a minimal amount of supplies furnished in the cottage, so her first trip to town would come very soon. She changed her clothes into comfortable leggings, an oversized t-shirt, a belt and flat walking shoes. She pulled her hair up in a high ponytail and put sunglasses. She slung her extra-large tote bag over her shoulder and said to herself, "Do I look like a local or a tourist?" It might take a while but she was definitely going to fit in.

The shops and open bazaars where abundant and full of arts and crafts. She purchased two wind chimes to hang on the back deck. She loved to hear them; they reminded her of the chimes at the mountain hut and the lazy evening they spent there together just listening to the wind. Finally, to the market. She purchased just simple things to cook since she had not mastered the fine art of cooking yet, but that was on her bucket list. That brought the thought of Polen to mind, all though she had all those recipes permanently photocopied in her mind, that would be something she would never do.

It had become late in the afternoon when got back to the cottage and decided on a quick toast and chia. First things first, hang the wind chimes before she got started on dinner. Even though it was late May and warm, there was a chilly breeze coming from the sea. She walked along the shore to gather some small wood for a fire in the fire pit that was furnished in the back garden. The fire was warm and peaceful and there was just enough of a breeze to hear the chime. She was thinking, I've got this, I can do this, I have to do this. NO, NO, NO don't do it Sanem, don't you cry, as the lump in her throat grew bigger and the tears brimmed her eyes. Her mind was screaming. You have cried enough tears over him!

She longed to forgive herself for all the lies and mistakes and if the stars all aligned right and granted her the peace she so wanted and deserved then maybe she could return to her home one day and maybe, just maybe, she could be happy again..

She still had a day before the seminar and was excited to get started. She straightened up the cottage from her many clothes all about, had a light breakfast, and set out for a walk down the coast. The houses were all quaint and traditional but had many colors and designs. It all was very similar to her home but it made her sad to think of how many miles away she was. The beach soon faded into a jetty of rocks along the shore. Instantly, she was transported back to the dreaded rocks at home that had been the scene of numerous fights between her and Can. Stopping short of the rocks and making sure not to sit down, for that would surely jinx them, she let some of those memories flood back. She thought it was good to remember some of those times in order to understand and file them away in her mind's "what not to do in the future" file.

The sound of a voice brought her back to her senses. She could hear them but I can't see them, as she looked around searching for the voice. She finally spotted someone sitting on the balcony of the house above the rocks. The conversation seemed to be slightly heated and she decided to move on down the beach, just to give them some privacy. The man on the deck had noticed her and lowered his voice. He quickly hung up and leaned over the railing and waved, "Sorry ma'am, I didn't mean to startle you." the stranger apologized. She gave a quick wave and made her way back towards her cottage.

Sunshine filled her bedroom and she had to squint to tell the time. Oh damn, this is not a good way to start the first day of the workshop. That glass of wine had really done the trick on getting a sound night's sleep and the sound of the waves didn't hurt either. As she rushed to get ready and sprinted out the door, the phone got her attention. Ahh Can, my god, how I wish I could answer. Decline the call and don't think, don't react, don't feel. As always, it was followed with a text. Always the same: "PLEASE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS."

The week that followed was like heaven on Earth. She listened intently to every word that was spoken, feeling and absorbing it all in. She experienced so many different authors and many different styles of writing. It was all so intriguing and she wanted to learn more and more. 

But with all that happiness in her life right now.....she still missed that most important part.........Can.