IF ONLY---I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF

Chapter 12

When Can arrived home, everything hit him and the reality of her absence was almost more than he could bear. In the silence of the house, his mind was racing as to what to do. For the first time in his life, he felt helpless and like he deserved all that he was feeling. The objective of the trip was to get some peace of mind and some calm back in his heart. Now the only thing that would bring calmness to his heart was her. Sanem. I think I just might have blown my chance with her and I don't blame her at all. Of course, she wasn't going to listen to me. Why should she? I didn't give her a chance to speak at all. I formed my opinion of what she did by looking only with my standards. How did I come to be so black and white and seeing only what I wanted to see? I had hurt her and I knew it, I knew it when I was doing it and still couldn't stop myself. I won't let this be the end of it, I can't. I love her more that I love myself, so I'm prepared to do whatever it takes.

He knew Emre and Leyla would be home soon so he had to make a couple of phone calls before. He looked up his old friend Mr. Volkan and set up a meeting with him. If anybody could find her it was him.

He tried her number and the call was refused after the first ring. He sent a text "I know I don't deserve it but please give me a chance, please."

Emre came in the door and grabbed Can in a big bear hug. "Man it's good to see you!" Emre yelled. "Tell me all about your trip while I get us a drink," he said.

"Not much to tell really," Can replied, "Most of the trip was spent trying to get YOU to tell me where Sanem is. Don't think I've forgotten about it, brother." Emre stiffened and said, "Look Can, I was under the impression that you two were going your separate ways and starting a new life, so why did her actions effect you so much?" Can put his drink down on a shelf and walked out to the garden, looking at the spot where she had sat and waited for him to come home that night so she could confess her love for him. Thinking of that night and how happy he was crushed his heart and soul.

"Emre what I did to her was wrong. I knew it but couldn't stop. I never loved anyone like that before and thought her more than human. Someone without mistakes and faults, someone who I considered equal to my unrealistic life standards. I have learned a lot in the past seven months. The main thing is nobody's perfect and would we even want them to be. I had the biggest flaw of all and that's not being able the forgive. I'm hoping that I will get a chance to show her I've changed and will spend the rest of my life begging her forgiveness."

Emre felt for his brother and all that he was going through but also knew the Sanem did what she knew she had to do. He had to respect her and her decision.

If Can was going to find Sanem he would have to do it on his own without his help and he had a feeling that was just what he would do.

The meeting with Mr. Volkan was a short one, seeing as Can had little information other than her name and a physical description of her. Mr. Volkan asked for her phone number so he could possibly check phone records.

Can told him that Sanem had resigned from the agency on May 21st and no one there had seen or heard from her since. Her family and Emre had to know where she was but had refused to tell him. Volkan asked Can if he could remember her saying anything about a place that she really wanted to visitor or move to. Can thought and the only place was Galapagos island. Could that be where she had gone? They decided he would start there and see what he came up with. He told him to inform him of any information he discovered no matter how small. Can felt like finding her was going to take a lot of work but he was not giving up. Just knowing that they all knew where she was but refusing to tell him was causing such a waste of time.

Getting back to the office to work was going to be hard but his logic was, he could be near Leyla and possibly luck on to some information. He wasn't beyond eavesdropping, if he had to.