Million Dollar Marriage

nineteen

The aftermath of my break-up with Yago was hell. I didn't know what to do, whom to lean on to, because he was all that to me. It has always been a sensitive topic for me for it just always opens up the wounds of the past.

I was the one who ended us. I was the one who wanted out, but why does it hurt so much?

It's not that I wanted him gone, but because it is needed to be done. Dad gave me no choice, I thought he'd finally be happy when I did that. But who am I kidding? Palag I ko nalamang pinangungunahan ang mga bagay-bagay.

"Deny it all you want, Milana," He paused for a while before settling himself beside me, "But we both know what's really happening here."

The way he said it, it was full of conviction. The wonders his words could do to me is beyond my thinking. Tila ba sa lahat ng pagdududa ko, siya ang pinakamalinaw na malabo. And his effect on me is undeniably strong.

And that I cannot live upon on it at the moment.

I am still in disarray. Lost in my own world of expectations and goals.

That is why this feeling can't grow, it needs to die now or it will eat me forever. Kakaahon ko lang sa lugmok, hindi ko kailangan ngayon ng mas magpapabigat sa angkla na aking dinadala upang makaalis sa dagat ng kawalan. What I need right now is a booster, not some anchor tied on me that'll add to the heaviness I am already carrying.

"Shut your goddamned mouth for once, Yago. You're distracting me so that you'll be able to runaway with what you did. You asshole."

"No, Milana. I told you already didn't I? You cannot order me around anymore, I am now who's in full control."

"F-full control pero nagkagulo kanina? If I were to stay longer pa nga yata kanina ay hindi malayo na makalmot ako ng alaga mo na pusa sa office!"

Hindi ko na siya hinayaan makasagot pang muli at binirahan ko na ito, "You're talking shit again! Sasabihin mo sa akin 'yan ngayon when you and I both know that you're already with someone? That's bullshit. Pure bull, Yago."

"And can I at least know who's that someone might be? 'Cause if you miraculously multiplied, then I guess you're right." He's too good with words that it's scaring the hell out of me.

And the way he said it, it felt too real for me. If only I didn't know him personally, I'd fall for it once again.

"Because I might be called selfish to keep all versions of you to myself and I still wouldn't give a single damn about what others will say. If selfishness is all it would take to have you beside me, then so be it." 

An unknown feeling started to eat my every being. My heart is beating too fast, like it's being chased down by a troop of horses. 

Tila binubuhay ang dating naramdaman ko ng kaniyang mga salita, ang matagal ko nang binaon at tinapon sa limot ay tila bumabalik na parang alon. Nilalamon ako paunti-unti hanggang sa malunod ako sa pakiramdam ng dati. 

Takot na akong sumugal. Takot na akong maniwala ulit. Takot na ako. Takot na takot.

I was once a believer. 

I got tired.

I burnt out.

I didn't how I got out of his house, but I am very thankful that I even had the face to sit here and eat out with Lola Irina. I seemed to be spacing out more than anticipated kaya naman nang tapikin ni Lola ang kanyang kopita ay tila nabuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig at nabigla sa tunog kaya naman ay halos tumalon ako sa kinauupuan.

That caused my Lola and Dad to looked at my way with curious eyes. I slightly bowed my head towards their direction.

"Sorry, Uhm... I need to use the bathroom. Excuse me," I sashayed my way outside of this private room before turning to the nearest bathroom. 

Kung magpapatuloy pa itong late lunch namin nina Lola ay dapat kong ayusin ang sarili ko. The Irina Bienvenido always knows, she may not speak about it but that doesn't mean that she know nothing of it.

The last thing that I want right now is to drag them once again in to this mess that I made. This is my own doing, so I should take care of it myself. No one gets to do the dirty job but me, for I am the one who started this. I need to grow up.

I faced my reflection on the mirror, "Get a hold of yourself, Milana..."

I washed my hands first before going out of the restroom. When I am nearing to our scheduled room, I saw how our guards alerted each other of my presence. They immediately went alerted, I eyed each one of them at nang hindi ko nakita si Kiko o kahit si Vino ay nagdire-diretso nalamang ako.

The other opened the door for me and I thanked him silently, nang i-angat ko ang tingin ko muli upang tignan sina Dad at Lola ay laking gulat ko nang makita si Tita Renea with both of my cousin Orella and Orester saying their greetings to Lola.

"Tita!" I can't help myself but to run towards her direction and hug her tightly. She's aged beautifully. 

Now, I know how Tito Rafael and my Dad are related. They're both the biggest cowards that I know of. I mean, how can he let go of Tita Renea and exchange her with Tita Paris? That's like  having to know it all but deciding to just turn a blind eye on it.

Tita Renea smiled and hugged me back, slowly caressing my hair, "You've grown a lot, my Lana. Always making the headlines, aren't we?"

I rolled my eyes playfully before snorting, "It's not something that I should be proud of, Lola's been nagging at me about it. Also, there's too many gossip-monger kasi."

"Because you're giving them something to gossip about." Orella said. 

This witch!

Nilapitan ko naman ito kaagad nang humiwalay ako kay Tita Renea, "And I'm not talking to you kaya! You're always butting in."

Her features are way too feminine, so angelic and comforting to the eyes. But her mouth begs to differ. It's something that runs in the blood, I guess. And it's all because of Irina Bienvenido.

Pinaupo ni Dad si Tita sa tabi niya bago ako tuluyang yumakap kay Lola at itinuro ang maingay na si Orella.

"Lola, ayan dapat si Orella ang palagi mong dadalawin! Instead of checking up on me from time to time, how about you put her under your surveillance for a week?" I suggested, then I saw how Orella's face paled.

Orester seemed to be having most of the fun as he's the one who's been laughing since we started. He grabbed Orella's shoulder before laughing, "Stop teasing my oh-so-sensitive twin, Milana. Pre-board exam effect, I guess."

My family may be the weirdest when it comes to how the Family Tree works, but they're the warmest. Although, sometimes they tend to wring each other's neck for position, find the wrong of one another to gain points, and take advantage of someone's weakness but at the end of the day, they would always ask for each other's forgiveness, talk about the issue and settle it all for once, and eat it out.

It is the way it is. 

So, just live and survive. Because giving up means losing. And I can't take another loss.