ALONE WITH YOU

C3

There are five stages of grief, namely: Denial, Anger, Depression, Agony, Acceptance.

My therapist tried to help me process my grief stages but he was unable to help me. The tragedy happened almost a year ago and I'm still stuck in the first stage, although channeling the second stage has become my favorite.

Normally, I don't think about that terrible day but the moment my eyes caught the newspaper in my room, I know I will be in a foul mood throughout today. And that's saying something because I did put the newspaper there to remind me of what I've lost.

Music helps me sometimes but my choice of music today is not working. Sure I'm walking on the sidewalk moving my body like I'm the happiest person on Earth but with each step I take my heart pound hard against my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.

But I have keep moving forward because if I stop, I might end up having an anxiety in the middle of the road on a big campus, where everyone live their lives online. I don't want to be TikTok trend or a fucking meme.

The topic is visible in my mind. 'The Mighty Hilsa Fries has fallen'. Calling myself mighty is pretty egoistic of me but I don't care, I know I'm mighty.

Ignoring the ache in my heart, I pull all my focus on the song I'm listening to but even Harry Styles 'As It Was' can't take my mind off the obvious.

I need to not think about that day, that phone call.

A flamingo's head has to be upside down when it eats. Female ferret die if they don't mate once they go into heat. Only half a dolphin's brain sleeps at a time, they also sleep with one eye open. Blue whale are immensely heavy, they weigh equivalent of three to four elephant. Armadillos can catch leprosy. A cockroach's brain is in its body. Frogs have a three sixty degree visual range.

It's NOT working.

Why isn't it working? It works like a charm every single time.

This makes me want to pull all my hair out.

When will I heal?

It's a very good question but sadly I have no answer to it at the moment.

For me, to heal takes more pain and time. I haven't gotten there yet. I once read a book called 'Don't Be Sad' hoping to find something to ease me, but I couldn't find what I was looking for, although I learned some ways to not feel that emotion. Sadness. The name of the book says it all.

I should be used to feeling like this, and some times I handle it better than others but today it's hitting me hard. Why? Is it because I didn't get a good night sleep and my head and mind is all over the place. I've lived to this time where I don't think about the plane crash, it's my way of trying to gain control over my emotions and sometimes it works, if I see the newspaper my mind goes blank and I don't think about anything, but days like today let the emotions slips out of my stilled mind and spill all over me.

And I do not like it.

If only magic was real, I would have done so many things at the snap of my fingers. Harry Potter is my favourite series in the world and I binge all eight movies twice a year. While I've grown and mature since the first time I saw the first movie, mentality regarding the film still remains intact, which means I still wave my pencil around and shout 'Ridikulous' at no one in particular.

Heavy feet dragging against the pavement pulls me out of my thoughts. The music I'm listening to ended minutes ago, it's the last on my playlist and I didn't bother to switch to another playlist or remove my airpods.

I spot the asshole responsible for producing the unnecessary noise. He is everything I hate and punch, ranking from his stupid tattoos, I hate tattoos, got some story to back my hatred up. He's wearing all black. Typical bad boy attribute and attire.