Hatter

R I D D L E

"Hatter, Hatter!"
He opened his eyes groggily. His head swam.
"Hatter, are you alright?" said a concerned voice.
"Cat?"
His friend stood over him, shaking him awake. She chewed her lip nervously, her eyes flitting from Hatter to the Queen of Hearts and March Hare, to the creature who snarled by the doorway. In the time it took for Hatter to come to his senses, March Hare had removed his blood-stained coat and was now focused on the matter at hand, which was a shame; the blood diversion hadn't lasted long at all.
The Queen of Hearts tapped her staff against the floor. "Well, I didn't realise how weak the White Queen's henchmen were. Does he swoon and faint in every mission of yours?"
Cat clenched her fists. "Shut the hell up."
The Queen tutted at her like one would tut at a naughty child. She gave a cold smile, snapping her fingers. Her pet bared its monstrous teeth and leaped at the two of them, its claws ready for the kill as it let out a bone harrowing howl-
And fell back.
Hatter blinked. There in the doorframe stood his brother and the twins as they held a bundle of rope between them. The creature tried to wrestle apart the cord around its neck, but could only manage a few choking growls.
"Need a hand?" shouted Absolem.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee pulled the rope tighter till the beast whimpered, then slackened their grip slightly in pity. Absolem rushed forward and grabbed Hatter's arm as he helped him up. From the corners of his eyes, Hatter could see white tufts of hair sticking out from behind the doorway.
"There's no need to hide, White Rabbit," called March Hare.
The figure jumped, then slowly came to view. White Rabbit had a frightened expression on his face, and his eyes were red and watery. He stared at March Hare in puzzlement.
"I've never seen you before," he quivered.
"But we have, haven't we?" Absolem said quietly. "I assume you told the Queen of Hearts we were coming?"
He gestured at Cat and Hatter to run; Hatter shook his head and brandished his sword.
March Hare laughed in a high pitched, almost hysterical voice. "Of course I told her. The little rebel group wanted to steal the most powerful weapon in the world right from under the Queen's nose. Really, what are the odds of that happening?" He paced the room. "Your mission was doomed from the start. This is the Queen of Hearts we're talking about. None of your cheap tricks had any chance of working."
Absolem gestured to Cat and Hatter again, more urgently this time, but Hatter stared at him defiantly and flitted his eyes back towards the Queen of Hearts and March Hare.
He let out a theatrical sigh. "Maybe you're right. But y'know something, old Marchy? You were never the brightest guy around, so I'd take whatever you say with a grain of salt."
His remark produced exactly the response he wanted; March Hare's eyebrows irked upwards in annoyance, and his mouth hardened to a slit. He had ticked him off big time- if there was one thing March Hare hated most, it was being considered inferior.
"You little-" March Hare spat, but Hatter cut him off.
"I know what you'll say, Hatter you're terrible and stupid and you never deserved my company yadda yadda- but really, can you even solve a simple riddle?" Hatter gave him a smile and leaned forward. "Let me test you. Answer this question and we'll all willingly surrender: Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
Absolem's eyes widened. He glanced at Cat, who nodded. Hatter had said the secret code, and now it was time to take action. Judging by the expression of visible confusion on March Hare's face, he hadn't overheard them talking about this part of the plan back at camp- that was excellent.
The Queen of Hearts sniffed ostentatiously. "Really, March Hare? Are you going to solve a riddle just because your friend tells you to?"
"Hatter's not my friend, Your Highness," March Hare replied hastily. "They say they'll willingly surrender, so it might be good to give it a go."
The Queen let out a deep yawn and covered her mouth with her hand primly. Her hand travelled back to its resting position atop the staff, except...
The staff was gone.
Hatter gasped, clasping his hands to his mouth. "March Hare you double crossing fiend- you fooled the Queen of Hearts bigtime. Good job."
March Hare blinked. "What?"
Absolem let out a laugh. "You don't have to pretend anymore, you know. Let's get rid of the Queen's pet and get out- our job here's done."
"But my riddle-"
The Queen's eyes narrowed. "You," she said softly, her voice like cold venom. "You made that big show about loyalty just so you could betray me?"
"I don't... I don't underst-"
Hatter stepped forward, a smirk playing on his lips. "That's right, you old hag. This whole thing was part of our plan from the start. White Rabbit was placed here as a diversion; you thought there was only one traitor, when there were actually two. March Hare has the ability to make invisible pockets of smoke, and he's already hidden the staff away in such a way that nobody can find it except him."
March Hare scratched his head. "Invisible... pockets of smoke? Your Highness, I assure you Hatter's lying-"
She raised her hand to silence him. "Tell me then," she hissed dangerously, "who stole the staff, if it wasn't you?"
March Hare gestured wildly at the group in front of them. "It could be any of these idiots, I don't know-"
"Right, let's go," Absolem said cheerfully. The twins tied a sharp knot round the beast and gave it a bonk on the nose for good measure as it snarled at them through its swarm of ropes. "March Hare, a little smoke please?"
Hatter moved forward swiftly, pressing his chest and pretending to be sick as he spat stale blood onto March Hare's face. In a moment of panic, March Hare released a flurry of solid smoke to block the attack as he formed an impenetrable barrier between them; the smoke was a little too rushed, however, and poorly controlled through his frantic movements- this created the exact diversion the group was looking for. The illusion Cat had created of herself vanished, and the rebels rushed out to meet the real Cat holding the staff triumphantly in her hands as she waited for them in the hallway. She smiled weakly and almost collapsed into Hatter's arms; manipulating a mirror image of herself from a considerable distance away was no easy feat. Tweedledee took the staff from her and stuffed it into his backpack while Absolem slung her nearly unconscious body onto his shoulders. A shriek reached their ears as the Queen of Hearts realised they were on the verge of escaping; the group halted momentarily.
Absolem gritted his teeth. "Tweedledum, Tweedledee- we've got the staff now. If anything happens to the rest of us, don't you dare stop. We need to deliver the staff to camp, no matter what it takes."
The group continued, rushing down the staircase and making their way down the hallway. A faint clicking sound echoed around them, droning into their heads like a clock. A shadow fell upon the rebels.
"Oh no," White Rabbit whispered, shivering. "It's... it's-"
"It's what?" Absolem said sharply.
"It's the Bandersnatch."
There then came the sound of approaching footsteps; the creature appeared to be moving impossibly fast. The footsteps merged into running, and the sounds grew uncomfortably close.
White Rabbit trembled. "The Bandersnatch runs faster than anything. There's no way we can get out."
Hatter's mind whirred. On one end were the Queen and March Hare with the tied up bloodhound, and on the other end was another one of the Queen's pets which was, in all likelihood, more dangerous and terrifying than the last one; outside in the bailey were the card soldiers and the raging storm. The group needed an exit, and quickly; Cat couldn't buy time with her illusions anymore, and the twins' main task was to protect the staff at all costs- that meant Hatter and Absolem were the only ones left.
They looked at each other and nodded.
"Don't you dare mess anything up this time," scowled Absolem.
Hatter rolled his eyes. "If you stop treating me like a baby."
Absolem pulled out five vials from his belt. "Everyone, drink these. They'll make you float for about 3 minutes. I don't have any invisibility potions on me which is unfortunate, but we'll have to make do with what we've got. When the potions are activated, everyone's going to make their way across the ceiling as quickly as possible- the Bandersnatch hopefully won't catch us up there when it gets here. I'll take out my tranquiliser syringe and Hatter will knock it out; he's a way better shot than I am. By the time the potions' effect wears off, we should be able to get through the entrance safely. All aboard?"
Everyone nodded.
"Then let's begin."