Who Is My Trouble?

Good Wind

After spending almost half the day alone, the sun has set, Marceline was still out with her so-called babe, and I decided to pack myself and get back to my healthy life. For so long, I lived guilty for whatever happened to her. Still, she didn't seem to need me, she didn't seem to need anyone in the first place, and the only thing that was as obvious as that sunset was that the more I had of her on my mind, the more I felt that I am needing her, and that wasn't at all my goal.

"Dear M, I hope you get my letter when I'm already out of town. It feels really good to see that you've moved on past what happened. I am glad that I saw it with my eyes. Some turbulence in our life is necessary to let us know who we are. It might take a month, a year, or 20 years, but in the end, we'll get to know it, right? I'm going back to collecting antiques, I think this is the greatest thing I can do at the time. I'm sorry for the messed up names, for knowing my real name, and for faking this name... I'll stay your Henry, or a Henry, whatever you'll like. I also wouldn't like doing what I'm going to do, but I apologize to your friend as well. I shouldn't have got so much on my nerves. Anyway, I hope you enjoy your life with the way it's going with you. Ethical funds, new house, prestigious job, in your hometown, between your friends and your bookstore family. I believe this is such a success story. Henry, Scott, or whatever you'd like to call me"

--

Reading his letter was like falling into a loop of unfelt wounds that were bleeding the whole time. His words stung as sweet as tickling the ivories, but there was no good music playing on but a farewell. I needed him. For the first time in my life, I felt that I needed him.

I didn't want him to go, leave, or complain about what happened. I actually wanted to explain to him what I was going through. All of this was just for the false show: it is when you have wounds cut, and you place barbie plasters because everyone thinks that you get better. That's what I am in. Money! It hides it, not cures it. Sasha was very understanding of Henry's attendance. She knew how to control everything and took into consideration that I had no hand in this. She tried to keep a pleasant smile by sharing her hopes for our new year.

In a way, I felt that Sasha is the right partner, whether in love or out of it, intimacy or out of it, work or out of it, she's smart, and that was how she got me all in. Reading his letter was enough for me to decide to take a break. Thinking it through again, it was still January, freezing outside and in almost everywhere in the world. I had a few drinks to brush it off for a while, and that was how I blacked out for the night. I eagerly worked every day thriving for the spring break. Sasha and I really understood each other, especially when we had to be distant because of our work schedules. As the spring break arrived, I had to confront Sasha about my plan to travel; alone. I was preparing dinner when she came for a visit, after a few hugs and kisses around the corner, she noticed my bag. "What's this?" she asked, standing like a lost doll in the middle of the room.

"It's a bag," I cracked my answer as a lame joke expecting her to laugh, but she just giggled, which made me understand her demand for a real reply.

"I'm - traveling." After a moment of awkward silence, she walked towards the kitchen counter, looking at the plates I prepared.

"What's happening with you?" she asked with a firm, calm tone.

"I need to be alone," I replied as I went away to get a drink and stay calm.

"What happened with you?" she asked as she followed me.

"Nothing, I just need to take a break. I've been working so hard, and I feel it's time for a break, that's all about it. Dinner?"

"No. No dinner. You're --"

"Listen!" I burst out, but then clung to biting my lips and taking responsibility for what I was going to say, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was traveling, but I need to stay alone for a while, please understand me."

"I get it," Sasha disappointedly said, and she pulled back.

"Please, don't go," I asked sadly, but all that I got was a disappointed look that ruined the night as she left it for me alone.

The next day I went to her apartment with colorful flowers in my hand, yet her disheartened face was enough to gloom their lives. She didn't let me in, took them away and threw them somewhere far, and waited to see me drift away from her door, which was to me, quite understandable.

"Where to go, where to go.." was the question that I had along with a bag packed in my apartment. Out of all the places in the world, Maldives, France, Italy, Spain, all the beauty calling for me to visit, something about my decision was as bad as my taste in music; the United States, here I am back again. After hours of turbulence both in air and my thoughts, I reached the land of terror, the land where all my insecurities started in. The first thing I did was call Kate, I told her about all the misunderstandings that went between Henry and I, except for the Scott part. I asked her whether she knew anything about him, but she said that ever since he visited me, Toby hasn't heard from him anything. Perhaps he wanted to be alone, just like me. As much as I was happy to hear from Kate, knowing that Toby was finally getting back to his senses and family, I was disappointed that I was in her country, yet so far from meeting her. I didn't want to touch any part of California after that accident, and that was why I ended up in the city that never sleeps; New York City.