What is immortality?
They say immortality is never dying. Infinite life.
I don’t believe that. I don’t think that’s the definition of “immortal.”
I think immortality means dying happily. I think it means that despite everything people say to you and everything that happens, you never let it get to you. And even if it does, you fight through it. You don’t seek revenge. You don’t dwell on shit you’ll never be able to change. You don’t let the past or the future hold you back from doing what you want and what you think is right. You stand up for people who need your help. You don’t hurt people purposely. And when you accidentally do, you put all your effort into fixing it. You devote yourself to the people you love and maybe put them before yourself.
I want to die as an immortal. I like to think I’ve accomplished many of the things immortals should. Not all, but most. I’ve let things get to me; I’m not bulletproof. Hell, I let you get to me. I still do. I dwell and hold myself back.
But everything else, I feel like I’ve accomplished, or am still accomplishing. I’m not the revenge type and I stand up for people. Whenever I hurt you, I patched it up. I love you and only you, and I’ve given myself up for you. For your happiness and for your life. I’ve finally stopped trying to save myself and am focusing on saving you.
What does immortality mean to you?
In all honesty, I don’t see you as an immortal. But everyone has a different definition of “immortal.” So what’s yours?
On another note, though, I think I saw you in my dreams last night. Tell me, was it real life or a dream? Did you really tell me you love me? Or can I say it’s been a month and six days?
What I do remember is that although you didn’t sleep with me last night, you unmade the bed for me. You stayed home. For once, you didn’t go out. At twelve A.M., I was ready to call it a night. I went downstairs, where you were laying on the couch. I kissed your forehead and saw your eyelashes flutter shut when I did. After I started to walk away, your eyes opened and you grabbed my wrist, looking like there was something you wanted to say.
“What?” I said.
You hesitated for a moment. “I - I forgot,” you lied. You were still holding my wrist, and you pulled me back closer to you. You sat up, laced our fingers together, and kissed my hand like it was the most holy thing you’ve ever held. Your fingers intertwined with mine felt right. Before that and earlier that day, it had been twenty-seven days since our hands touched. And in those fifteen seconds that our hands were conjoined, I could feel the butterflies fluttering like they had when you kissed the bruises on my face. You looked into my eyes and I looked into yours. Your dark, cloudy eyes that once shined like the sun and stars. Giving my hand a squeeze, you pulled me even closer, so close that I had to kneel so that we could be face-to-face. You let go of my hand and instead moved yours behind my neck, gently trailing your thumb up and down my jawline. When you removed your hand from behind my neck, you traced my lips so softly and carefully, as if I would shatter if you made a mistake.
“Look what I’ve done to my boy,” you said shakily, resting your fingers upon my wrist.
“Gerard-” I started.
“Shhh.”
We were silent for a while.
“Tell me what it’s like,” you finally said quietly.
“What what’s like?”
“What’s it like to be so beautiful?”
“Oh, Gerard, I’m not-”
“Don’t say it. You are. Inside and out. You tried so hard for me and I didn’t pay the slightest amount of attention to you. You - the one who loves me endlessly and unconditionally. The one who is willing to die for me. You’re beautiful. How could I push you away? How could I ever act like I don’t need you?”
“Kiss me,” I whispered.
You cupped my head with your hands and leaned down and you kissed me. So slowly and so passionately. So... So lovingly. I think. I hope.
I grabbed your wrists (your hands were still attached to my cheeks), and sat up higher on the floor so I could be closer to you. So I could make myself believe you really did love me.
Our lips moved against each other perfectly. Just the way I remembered.
I know I said I didn’t want to kiss you so much again, but I loved feeling your soft lips on mine.
Why was I crying when you kissed me? I felt a tear fall, but you wiped it away just like you had earlier.
We finally pulled away after I don’t even know how long, our foreheads pressed together. “Good night, baby,” you whispered.
“Good night,” I breathed, rising from the floor. “I love you.”
You didn’t say anything back. I didn’t really expect you to.
Oh, and I’ve been working on new songs. I have some lyrics that fit us.
I know how much you love when I share my songs with you. So I think I’ll end this letter with some new lyrics.
‘You’re on my mind.
And the things that you say hurt me most of the time.
But I’m on your side,
Cause I know I’m not easy to deal with sometimes.
But once in a while I wish you would tell me if you even care
Cause I’m sinking fast, I’m sinking fast
I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you to know that I’m alright.’
