Admit it. Our love is unrequited.
I think I've known that for a while now, but I forced myself to believe otherwise.
I know you don't love me anymore. That almost leaves me as alone, doesn't it? I'm in unrequited love with you, and I'm lonely. But I'll face my biggest fear for you. I can only last for so long, though.
I can't wish for your love anymore. Wishing never works. I've tried and tried but it doesn't work. I don't believe in wishing anymore.
I woke up this morning and you were gone. Am I surprised? Not anymore. I was in the beginning, when you first started leaving in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I unmake your side of the bed, in hopes that you'll come home and climb in next to me. It never happens. I guess I know that, too; you won't sleep with me again. You won't want me to curl up against you or fall asleep on your chest. You won't want me to fall asleep while you hold me on your lap, my head resting on your shoulder. You won't want me. You won't need me.
You won't love me.
Despite everything you say and do, I still think you're beautiful. I still get lost in your eyes. I still adore the feeling of your lips on mine. I still find your hands fascinating. I still love having to stand on my tippy-toes to reach your lips because you're so much taller than me. I still extremely enjoy when you lift me up to kiss you instead of me reaching up. I still believe you're the most gorgeous things I have ever laid eyes upon. Nature doesn't compare to you. It's beautiful, but you're even more beautiful.
So lift me like you used to, so I can wrap my arms around your neck and my legs around your waist, and so our lips can attach and I will be the furthest thing from alone.
It's getting colder and colder every day, and I need your warmth. Coffee doesn't taste the same without you here, and it doesn't feel as hot as it used to. The holidays are coming. I don't wanna spend Christmas without you. You don't have to buy me anything, Gerard. All I want is you, and I'll be content with everything I have. I'll never ask for anything again.
And New Year... New Year was our first kiss. I remember it clearly. We counted down and right when the ball dropped, you kissed me. I wasn't expecting it, but boy, was I glad you did. Things got a little, um, heated after that, but it was nothing too serious.
Our bed feels like an ocean, or like states or countries or continents. It's bigger without you in it. Bigger and colder. I need you with me so I don't feel so small. Okay, maybe I'll still feel small, because you're a lot taller than me, but so I can feel less small.
I want your shoulder to cry on. I'm sick of crying into these blank white sheets, because they'll never have anything to say to make me feel loved. They never have the compassion you do. All they do is absorb my tears, and my tears scar them, leaving them wet and cold. But you had so much more to say, and not only did you dry my tears, but you also made them stop. That's something only you could ever do.
I love you. And this is clichè, but I love you more than anything in the universe. You're irresistible. If you asked me to die with you right now, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I'm nothing without you, anyway. All I'd be left with is silence. And I hate silence. So I'd die with you so I wouldn't have to miss you.
Would you be fine without me if I died first? Would you fall apart? Would you even be able to tell left from right?
I need to know that you'd be okay. Honestly, Gerard, I don't know how much longer I can last. If I don't have you, I don't have anything. And if I don't have anything, I don't want to be here anymore.
Don't you know I love you? I've said it so many times. If I haven't said it enough, I'll say it again and again until you know. I love you, Gerard Way. I love you.
If you loved me too, this would be so much simpler. But I don't know if you love me. I honestly don't think you do.
I want to kiss you again. I miss sitting on your lap while feeling your lips locked with mine. I feel myself falling harder. I didn't think I could fall any harder. But I am, and I can't stop myself.
I saw you in my dreams again. You were drowning, but not in water. It was alcohol. As you sunk, I was dying too. Do you realize what that means? I can't live without you. I couldn't save you from drowning. If you're going down, so am I. I don't have a choice anymore - not that I needed one - and I have to try harder. Saving you isn't easy.
And I really can't live without you. You're the only one keeping me sane. You're the only one keeping me alive. But you're killing me too.
Gerard, you know if I didn't meet you I would have killed myself? I remember I was planning to. I was going to in six days, but then, when there were two days left, I met you. I was curious about you, so you kept me around to figure you out. You were so strange. You still are. But you were so... different. You had weird quirks and you had such a confusing perspective on everything. You were that one rose in a garden of weeds. Intelligent. Open-minded. Thoughtful. Intriguing. Free. Free, Gerard. You were free.
Anyway, you could tell from the first time that we met that I wasn't okay. It was snowing and I met you in the park. I still don't know why we happened to be in the park when it was snowing. I was sitting alone and you plopped yourself down right next to me, your skin paler than the unique little snowflakes that were landing in your hair (which, at the time, was red). You looked like a prince. The snow glistened on your hair like tiny crystals, and despite the freezing weather, you smiled. You had these pretty little pen drawings all over your hands. Flowers drawn like a bracelet around your wrist, too.
We made small talk, and then you said something I still wonder about. I remember it word for word:
"You should really smile. Like, a genuine smile. Have you ever seen where the oceans divide? They're divided like... Like one side is happy, but the other side is depressed. You can't be on one side, though. Be in the middle. Find blissfulness in times of despair."
Your mind works so mysteriously. Nonetheless, I love that.
So I think I'll try to stand between the oceans. I'll take what you said to heart, now. I'll keep myself afloat and keep you afloat as well. We can be happy together. We can be miserable together.
We can be insane together.
