find me - 0.4

Chapter 13: Just Die

Chapter 21: Just Die

Mike~

4 months. It's been 4 months since I've heard from Caitlin. 8 since I've seen her, I'm seriously so depressed without her but after she was insane..how could I love that? How could I love insane?
"Maybe it's because you are insane Michael," my mind said to me.
I sat in the tour bus bathroom trying to make up my mind.
"Think of the fans Michael," my mind told me again.
My mind started shouting things about what other people would feel without me here, but what about me if I stayed here. Caitlin would never want me back now after all of this. After I left that night, I should have just stayed.
"GOD IM SO STUPID!" I screamed getting the pills from the drawer.
"Mike? You okay?" Cal yelled threw the door.
"I'm fine Cal," I told him back.
I looked at my eyes in the mirror, black and blue from the lack of sleep. Bags the size of my cheek bones hung down, my eyes red with bloodshot.
"Michael open the door," he demanded.
After I didn't answer he knocked over and over.
"MICHAEL!" He screamed.
The tears came free flowing and I gritted my teeth in frustration.
"GOD DAMMIT!" I yelled as the cap wouldn't turn off.
"MICHAEL!" The boys yelled.
My security team was now all yelling at me through the door. The bus stopped jolting me forward. The pills flew all around the room as the door was opened. I scrambled to get the pills but Luke held onto me. Ashton kicked the pills away as Calum stood frozen. He was as white as a ghost. I sat on the ground in a ball as Luke held onto me crying.
"It's okay Mike," Luke whispered.
"No it's not," I told him.

"Caitlin's coming," he said.

Cait~

The bus stopped at the place I was meeting it. As I was about to step on someone grabbed me. A security guard, about 5 of them ran past me onto the bus. I quickly followed to see something I didn't want to see.
"MICHAEL!" Calum shouted over and over.
Ashton looked over at me with sad eyes. I sat on the couch and cried. Finally the door was opened and Calum's expression said it all.

Michael Clifford tried to kill himself.

The security guards told me I had to leave. I got up and quickly gave a letter to Ashton. He nodded and smiled at me a bit. I left without a word.

Mike~

It was about an hour after the accident when the boys went to bed. I stayed laying awake for a bit. It was 3am when I looked at the clock. I sat up alarmed when Ashton walked in.
"Hey Ash," I whispered.
He nodded and handed me a letter. I looked up at him and took it. He left without a word leaving me confused. I made sure he was gone before I opened it.

My Dearest Michael-

there was once a girl that sat in the front of my spanish class
always laughing
smiling
talking
her eyes would sparkle
she was so alive
so full of love
one day the girl was late to class
she wasn't smiling
laughing
talking
her eyes weren't sparkling
wearing long sleeves
to hide dark secrets
scared of being judged
she decided to stop coming to school
one day she uploaded a video
she said she didn't understand why people were so mean
why they called her names
she said she hated herself
that she was done
lying in the emergency room
the girl who sat in the front of my Spanish class
so happy and full of life
was now dying inside
choosing whether to live
or die..
that girl was me.

-I love you Michael..I know how it feels. When you find you, come back to me.
Love Always,
-Your Dearest Cait