Bill Hader one shots

Old enough to be your dad

Finally you were a week away from being 18, next up was to move out of your parents house but you figured you'd work for a while and save up some money while you still can.
Your birthday was coming up fast, not that you had any plans to do anything and you'll be shocked if anyone even remembers it.
You can smell the spaghetti your mom is making for dinner , it smelled amazing . You shut your bedroom door and took a drink of water from the giant gallon sized water bottle that you kept on you at all times.
Your room was the only place in this house you liked. It was decorated to your exact taste , the walls covered with posters of your favorite bands and movies. Your bed was comfortable and big enough for three people , the only bummer was you didn't have a TV in your room so you spent most of your time reading. You liked stories of adventure , and books about princesses in far away, magical,  lands. It gave you hope that there was more to this life , gave you something to dream about and wish for.
You were not a princess.
No matter how many times your mother called you her "little princess". You weren't a princess and you didn't live in a glorious , whimsical castle and you didn't have a dashing and handsome prince pining for your love.
You had the known drug dealer who lived down the block, Justin. He also worked at the video store part time.
He's been in love with you for years and it was honestly pathetic, you couldn't have been less interested in him. Why would you want a guy that has absolutely nothing going for him?
"That losers not coming anywhere near my daughter" your dad would roar when your mom would urge you to go on a pitty date with said drug dealer (not to her knowledge). It all seemed so ridiculous to you , your dad only said certain things because it's what he should say as a father but deep down you knew he didn't really care. You were convinced your father had been running on auto-pilot since the day you were born.
A knock on your door pulls you from your thoughts.
"Dinners ready" your mom says opening your door. You nod "I'll be down in a second " you smile.
"Put a bra on, we have a guest" she added nonchalantly.
"Who?" You asked , this was weird , your parents never had dinner guests.
"A friend of your fathers , now come on" your mom pressed.
A friend of your fathers.
Your dad had friends?
You do as your mom requests and put a bra on under your slightly too large T-shirt , along with a pair of spandex shorts and fluffy slippers. You grab your water bottle and make your way downstairs to the dining room. The closer you got the more pungent and wonderful the smell of the food got. You could smell the meat sauce and the garlic bread , your mouth began to water.
"There she is!" Your dad announces as you pull your chair out. You look at him with furrowed eyebrows. He's already acting weird.
"(Y/n) honey, this is my friend Bill! He's gunna be staying with us for a while" your father says.
Instantly you're annoyed.
Mostly because your dad wasn't acting like himself.
'Honey?' He never calls you that and his false chipper tone was almost enough to ruin your appetite.
Your eyes float to Bill , you assumed he was the same age as your dad, your dad looked older than he was. Bill had a look on his face like he wanted to smile but wasn't sure how you'd take it so he settled on a curt nod and small almost unnoticeable wave.
"Hey" he mumbled.
"Nice to meet you" you reply softly as your mom served him and your father their plates.
Again, fake. This never happened. It was rare enough that your family was actually eating in the same room let alone your mom wants to play June cleaver now.
"I'm not really that hungry all of a sudden" you chime.
Your dad gives you a threatening look, you were ruining his Brady bunch image.
"Are you ok sweetie?" Your mom asks.
"I'm fine just need some air" you reply standing up , your eyes go to Bill once more before you walk out the front door.
You hoped you left them all feeling awkward.
The air outside was heavy , it was about to rain , you could smell it (one of your favorite smells).
You took a deep breath and made your way down the street, you didn't know where you were going but just needed to get out of that house.
How long was that Bill guy gunna be staying with you? Doesn't he have his own house to stay at? What's his deal?
You shake the thought out of your head and feel a drop of rain kiss your skin, it makes you smile. The color of the sky was a dark blueish gray. You loved this, you loved the rain but you are terrified of thunderstorms, you never understood why but you just were. They gave you anxiety made you worried and scared, maybe it was the flash of the white hot lightning or the roll of the loud booming thunder.
Why is he even friends with your dad anyways? He must have better things to do with his time than hangout with your father. Once again Bill makes his way to your mind , you realize this and question why you even care, maybe you felt bad for him.
You continued your walk , a gentle rain trickling from the thick misty clouds, you could smell the earth, natural and pure, wonderfully fresh. The sky was getting darker , a glance at your dying phone let you know that it was almost 9pm, which meant you had been walking around aimlessly for 2 hours. You really didn't want to go home, your dad has never brought anyone over before and the fact that this guy was going to be staying for a while made you feel uneasy. You couldn't help but wonder if his presence would alter the general atmosphere of the house. You did feel sort of bad though, what happened in this guys life that caused him to be crashing on his friends couch ?
"Hey (y/n)" you hear a familiar and annoying voice call from behind you.
Justin
"What justin?" You ask , not breaking stride , he was the last person you wanted to see right now.
"What are you doing out here so late?"
He asked jogging to catch up with you. You snort and furrow your brows
"What are you my dad?" You retort continuing to walk. Justin chuckles with a short nod of his head, he runs his fingers through your hair and eyes you , you don't look at him but you can feel his gaze on you.
"Look, why don't you come back to my place?"  He offered with a soft tone, you didn't know whether to puke or to laugh.
"That's ok , I'm good with walking" you respond quickly.
"Come on" he grabs your arm and you pull away abruptly.
You hear the sound of a car pull up
"Hey....you need a ride?" A voice asked , you and Justin both look to see your dads friend Bill pulled over , his eyes were on you.
You looked at Justin then back at Bill before shaking your head at Justin and climbing in bills car.
It was nice , like really nice. You were sure what kind it was but it was a very silent smooth ride.
"Who was that guy?" Bill asked his voice cracked a little, he was nervous, he didn't know what to say to his best friends daughter.
"Oh he's just a friend I guess, he's been in love with me for years" you reply settling in to your seat. Bill wanted to ask if you were ok, he saw Justin grab your arm but,  he wasn't sure if it was his place to ask.
"What are you doing out here? Did my dad send you to find me?" You ask picking at your nails.
Bill chuckled
"Uh no , your parents went to bed ... and they have no liquor in the house so I'm going to the store to get some" he explains. You nod , thank god your parents were asleep, you didn't feel like dealing with them anymore tonight.
"So are they making you sleep on the couch? Or what's the plan with you?" You ask, this made Bill laugh quite genuinely. He thought you had an interesting way with words.
"No I'm in the guest bedroom" he answers , his fingers drumming lightly on his steering wheel.
"That's right next to my room" you say , you didn't mean to say it out loud. And you weren't sure how you felt about Bill being so close to you at all times.
"Don't worry I only blast music in the early morning hours and I do most of my murdering outside of the home" Bill jokes.
Oh he's funny , what a pleasant surprise. You laugh and glance at him , your eyes meet for a second as you two share a smile.
You blush.
Why are you blushing? Why are you blushing ??
"You want anything?" Bill asks as he pulls up to the store.