Bill Hader one shots

Quarentine

The entire city is going on lockdown apparently, for how long ? You weren't sure , you should probably start watching the news more often. You grabbed a pint of ice cream and dropped it in your cart. The grocery store was packed with people , exactly what you had expected. Everyone was panic buying everything , you rolled your eyes at the stupidity of man-kind.
You took the easy road , you could survive off of ramen noodles for 3 weeks and some ice cream and other snacks for quarantine.
Lockdown didn't start until tomorrow so that was plenty of time to get your things in order. It started to rain as you left the grocery store , you watched the clouds roll across the sky. Your phone rang in your pocket , you let it ring as you put your bags in the trunk. Once you got everything loaded up and you were in your dry car you checked your phone.
"Bill" you say reading the missed call.
You hit the call button and the phone rings once before he answers.
"Hey" he chimes
"Hey, sorry I missed your call, I was in the grocery store" you inform him.
"Oh no worries, what are you doing the rest of the night? You know the city's going on lockdown right?" He asks. You chuckle "yeah bill I know , and I'm probably just gunna hangout at home and watch ghost adventures" you reply turning on your windshield wipers, squinting to see through the rain.
Bill hums.
"Well you wanna hangout? Before we can't see each other for 2 weeks?" He laughs. You look at the street sign to see how close you are to his house.
"Sure! Can I put my ice cream in your freezer?" You ask. Bill happily says "of course" with the small fee of he gets to have one bowl.
"Alright I'll be there in 5"
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Bill had a nice apartment, you remembered when he first got it he took you shopping with him for appliances and furniture, you got to decorate basically the whole thing which is why you liked it so much.
"Hey Hader" you smile as you walk in
"Oh hey I didn't hear you knock" he says shifting his bod around on the couch to look at you.
"That's because I didn't, you should really lock your door you know what if I was a murderer" you say as you set your bags down on his kitchen island.
"They'd be doing me a favor" bill jokes.
You slap him on the arm as you sit next to him "DONT say that" you exclaim. Bill laughs.
"I was just kidding" he protests smiling at you.
"You smell nice , new perfume?" He asks his eyes trailing your neck. You look to him with a grin
"Yes! How'd you know? STALKER" you tease pushing him gently away from you.
"It smells good I like it" he replies pulling you back over to him.
"So is your new girlfriend coming over?" You ask , grabbing the remote and surfing through channels. Bill scoffs and stands up.
"She's not my girlfriend" he retorts grabbing two glasses from the cupboard.
"Oh please, I see the way you look at each other on Saturday night live" you chime turning to look at what he's doing.
Bill reaches in the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of wine , the glasses and comes back to the couch.
"Rosé" you say snatching the bottle
"Your favorite" he adds sitting next to you , handing you a glass. You fight with the cork trying to pry it from the bottle.
Bill watches you for a moment for his own amusement before offering his help.
"Just admit you have a crush on her" you say bringing the topic up again.
"I do not! She's just a coworker" he argues pouring your glass for you. As if on cue his phone dings, you can tell by the sound that it's a Snapchat notification.
You look to him with a knowing smile as he opens the message. You crane your neck and see that it's none other than Maggie Carrey.
You chuckle "see" you say gesturing towards his phone.
"We're just friends" he says back simply.
"Oh really? What'd she say?" You ask taking another drink of wine , it was good, sweet.
"She just asked me if I liked her new shirt" he says shrugging. You look at him with a slight smile , a look that says , 'oh come on'.
"That's a dead give away, she's fishing for compliments" you say to which bill shakes his head , his phone dings again. You sit up , interested in what she has to say now.
"Mind your business" bill says leaning away from you.
"No fuck you what'd she say" you laugh Bill comes closer to you,
"Smile" he says as he puts his arm around you.
You smile and hold up your wine glass , Bill rests his head against yours, smiles, and takes the picture.
"She asked me what I was doing, so I'm gunna send her this picture" he says with a smile.
How sweet.
"You don't have to do that Bill" you say taking another drink. It doesn't matter now, he's already sent it then he put his phone in his pocket and grabbed his wine glass.
"So what should we do?" He chimes as you lean back on the arm of the couch, he sets your legs in his lap and lets his hand graze your shins. 
"Whatever you want" he responds pouring more wine in your glass.
You guys continued to drink and watch tv, bills phone kept going off and he kept ignoring it, the sun had set now and the sky was dark with night and rain.
"You know you don't have to ignore her Bill, me and you are just friends , I'm not gunna get jealous" you say, you get off the couch and saunter your way to the balcony , glass of wine in hand.
The wind brushes your face , the mist of the rain kissing your skin, you take a deep breath , inhaling the fresh air.
"It feels good out here" bills voice floats from his reluctant lips to your ears , his voice was soft like light blue bubbles floating all around you.
Two knocks on his door and all the tiny bubbles blew up like bombs and shattered into pieces at your feet.
You look to Bill who had an equal look of confusion on his face.
"Wonder who that is" he says before walking over to the door, you watch him as he moves , he should be more confident he's a very attractive man and he has a beautiful build.
Your thoughts fly out the window when bill pulls his door open and a beaming Maggie stands in the threshold.
"Hey! I hope you don't mind I stopped over" she says with a overzealous smile.
How does she know where he lives? Has she been here before?
Bill instantly looks back to you , you make your way over to the door and introduce yourself to Maggie.
"Hi I'm (y/n)!" You smile holding your hand out
"I'm sorry bill I didn't realize you had company" Maggie says shaking your hand with a nod.
Bill stammers his eyes darting between the two of you.
"No That's ok! I should be heading home anyways it's getting late" you say grabbing your car keys. Bill speaks up "no!-no...it's -your drunk (y/n) you're not driving anywhere" bill protests. You roll your eyes "fine I'll walk" you reply grabbing your phone.
"I can leave-" maggie says lightly , motioning her thumb towards the door.
"No no no" you say waving your hand at her like the idea of her leaving is absolutely preposterous.
"You stay, I've been here all day, you two have fun" you insist.
"(Y/n) you are not leaving!" Bill raises his voice , it's not yelling but it's definitely not his usual soft tone.
He sighs "look (y/n) you can stay in the spare room" he offers.
"Maggie , what's up? Do you need something?" He continues turning his attention to her.
"Well I was hoping to talk to you about the show next week " she speaks , sticky sweet innocence dripping from her voice. Bill rubs the bridge of his nose.
She wants to talk about next weeks show at 11pm? I think not.
You roll your eyes.
"Bill it's really ok, I'm just gunna walk home I'm tired anyways" you speak
"No! You're drunk and it's late you're staying here" he demands. He was right walking alone at night was not a smart idea. Fuck.
You grab your ice cream from the freezer and make your way to the spare bedroom.
"Goodnight lovebirds" you say with a drunken giggle before closing the bedroom door and flopping on the bed.
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BILL'S POV

hours later maggie leaves, he enjoyed the time he spent with her but wished she wouldn't just randomly drop in. Bill shuts his lights and tv off , throws the empty bottle of wine away and makes his way down the hall.
He stops in front of the guest room door and wonders if he should check on you. 'That's what a good friend would do' he tells himself. He opens the door slowly and smiles to see you passed out laying on your stomach an empty pint of ice cream on the night stand  next to you. He walks over quietly and looks at you for a moment. He bends down like he's going to kiss you , before pulling back and losing the courage. He settles on moving your hair out of your face , his thumb lingering on your cheek just a little too long before turning and leaving ,casting one last look to you as he closed the door behind him.