bringing lucy home

Chapter 37: "It's ok"

Lucy watched Keira through new eyes over the next few days. She thought of her now as a child, a fragile being she loved but didn't want to break. She almost kept her distance with Keira, unable to face her without wanting to run away. But it had been 4 days since Steph urged her to tell Keira, and she knew she had to. She had to get it over with. But Keira was the one who first approached her, to her surprise and, maybe, annoyance.

Lucy was playing keep-up with Milly in the garden with a little ball, kicking the ball in the air and letting it fall into Milly's hands, which threw the ball up gleefully back at her Mum. Keira had noticed that Lucy seemed distant these days, isolating herself to work at the Stretford Union Blues and keeping alone with Milly in her freetime. She was touched by Lucy's affection for their child but again her mind was telling her that Lucy just didn't care about her anymore. It was a fear that crept over her, kept her up all night, and constantly haunted her. She needed to talk to Lucy about it, knowing that her fiancé would keep her feelings hidden till she died unless she was encouraged to spill the beans.

Keira stood in the doorway, looking out at the garden where Lucy and Milly were playing. She smiled at them and their connection, when suddenly a new feeling came over her. What was that...jealousy?

"Oh come on Keira," she said angrily to herself. "You cant really be jealous of your own daughter!! For f@ck sake..." She blushed, ashamed of herself but still couldn't help thinking that she wished Lucy would show her the same outpouring of love that she gave so easily to baby Milly. As these thoughts and more circled round her mind, she caught Lucy's eye from across the garden.

Lucy squinted in the sunlight, making eye contact with Keira. She was watching them, for how long Lucy didn't know. She tried to turn her gaze from her fiancé but couldn't. There was something in Keira's eyes that was magnetic, she couldn't look away. And yet there was something in her eyes that concerned Lucy. Her happy expression dropped from her face, and she and Keira both stared at each other, concern, tension, and confusion in both their eyes. Lucy snapped out of it as the ball hit her in the head.

"Goddamn Milly!" Lucy cried impulsively. She took the ball in her hands and bent her neck forward to look at the little girl. "Hey, hey," she said in a hushed voice. "Its ok. Its ok." She took the girl in her arms and walked over to where Keira stood.

"Mummy," Milly laughed happily, pointing to Keira. Lucy smiled down at her, and slowly turned her face to look at Keira. Keira's deep eye contact had her frozen. Keira searched Lucy's face for anything, an expression, an explanation, something.

Lucy dropped her eyes to the floor. "She wants you, I think." She handed a squirming Milly over to her fiancé, who took the child with loving arms.

Keira shot Lucy a look and a half smile. "I'll be back," she whispered, turning and taking the kid inside.

Lucy let out a huge exhale as they disappeared into the house. She put her hands on her hips, looking somewhere in the distance. Was this the time to tell Keira? But the look she had seen in Keira's eyes...this look of sadness, of dejection. She didn't know what it was but it sure as hell made her even less eager to tell Keira about the new position she'd been offered at Lyon.

She walked over to the low brick wall, her favorite place in the sunshine, and sat down, drumming her fingers on her thigh as she thought. She tried to convince herself that it was the best time to tell Keira...no time like the present, right? How would she tell her? She looked at her hands, they were sweating. Why was she getting so nervous? What was there to fear? This was her job, this was her opportunity. Keira loved her, Keira supported her. Ugh. She ran her hand through her hair. She was making it about herself again. She bit her lip apprehensively, almost jumping when the back door opened and Keira walked outside into the garden.

Keira smiled at her as she walked over, sitting down beside her on the wall. They sat there in the sun and silence for a bit, Keira swinging her legs.

"Lucy-"

"Keira-"

They both laughed, looking down.

Lucy took a deep breath. Come on, Luce. "Keira..."

"Yes?"

Lucy still avoided looking into Keira's eyes. "I...I wanna take you out somewhere."

Keira laughed nervously, confused. "Erm, ok." She smiled. "Tonight?"

Lucy nodded. "Its...its time we did something together, you know? And...not bloody Nandos. What about...what about that Brasilian place? We can get some meat..."

Keira nodded eagerly. "Yeah, I'd like that." She looked over at Lucy. "I'd really like that."

Lucy forced a smile and nodded shakily. "Good, good." This was the night. She was going to tell keira.

Keira was chill, but her heart inside was soaring. "You know, Luce," she laughed softly. "I'm glad you brought it up. I was...I was actually thinking...it sounds so silly now."

Lucy looked into her soft brown eyes. "Nothing you say is silly to me, babe. Tell me. Please."

Keira looked down, still laughing to herself. "I don't know...it is silly...I guess...I just was sort of thinking maybe you didn't love me, anymore, sort of...or like...you didn't want to be with me...like...maybe...you wanted to leave."

Lucy choked. She felt sick inside, for so many reasons. Not only was Keira sad, and not telling her about it, not only was Keira down and she hadn't noticed, but now she had to break news that could possibly hurt the one person she loved most in the world. And it made her sick that she was actually about to tell Keira that she was leaving. Again. Now her whole plan seemed stupid. She wanted to tell Lyon, right then and there, NO. But to do that, she'd be throwing away all her dreams.

"Lucy?"

Lucy snapped back into consciousness. She laughed awkwardly and nervously to brush off her thought-coma. "Keira, why would you ever think that??"

Keira bit her lip. "I don't know...I guess it is dumb, isn't it? I just...feel like you're distant lately."

Lucy looked seriously into Keira's face. She took Keira's little chin in her hand. "I never want to be distant from you, princess. And...I'm not distant, just busy."

Keira nodded, smiling sadly. "I know."

"Do you?" Lucy was trying to mask the truth that she was actually unable to come to terms with the fact that she was avoiding Keira.

Keira nodded. "Yeah, sure, Luce." A half smile flashed across her face, disappearing in a second.

"Hey. Hey." Lucy pulled Keira close to her leaning down to look into her fiance's eyes. "Don't ever hesitate to tell me what you feel, baby."

"You don't talk to me." Keira whispered this, a tone of sadness in her little voice.

"What...what do you mean?" Lucy's heart sunk.

"Nothing." Keira faked a fast smile. "Cmon let's get ready to go!" She jumped off the wall and ran inside the house before she started crying.