Just thoughts

June 27 2018

My friends and I are going to a trip with the whole generation, Ari, Heloise, and Kim will be sharing room with me. There'll be activities and I just hope to have a good time and maybe fix my thoughts, maybe I'm over reacting.
Even though I really didn't want to come. I told my parents to please let me stay home, but they didn't care and sent me anyway. It was so hot I still have burns of the sun, and I'm not even pale, I don't usually have these struggles.

The first day was actually great, it was filled with sun and Heloise and I had time together, it made me happy, it was a while since something made me legitimately happy, we went to the pool together, made day to day activities together, at the end of the day we had to get back to the room and there were two beds and four people, I slept with Heloise since I felt more comfortable with her.

The second day wasn't that bad either, on the mornings I could sit with everybody in a large, large table, even though since our group grew so much, most of the time one of us was left by her own, what made me realize this group of friends was really fake, was the fact that nobody offered to go with them, it made me feel bad for them, but I didn't really care about them, they are not my friends, I would go with Heloise if it ever happened to her. Ari would never not get a seat, she was the center of the universe, today I realize she just made friends with lots of people and expect us to like each other too.

I don't think I should be angry... But fucking bitch. She never asked if it was ok with the rest of us, it was just "sure you can hang with us" and that was it, no opinions asked.

Ok, continuing with that day, it was kind of fun, too, I even had time with the rest of our generation's people and Heloise didn't leave me alone either, she was really nice the whole time.

The third day, however, I don't think I was ever left so behind, I don't think I ever felt that stab in my chest so deep it almost made me cry in pain, realizing I was deep down I was in everybody's mind screaming like an annoying fire alarm in the back of their heads.
Now I was the one without a seat, I smiled trying to be comprehensive, "oh well, now it happened to me" but I was so angry again, nobody said anything, Heloise didn't even bothered to save me a seat and nobody even turned around to see me leave. And I left.

I don't really remember with who I sit that day, but tried to enjoy it, even if I felt something like fire in the pit of my stomach.

Before that, now that I remember, I was hurried in the shower, hurried while putting clothes in my wet body and hurried to leave, it wasn't my friends, (why do I keep calling them friends?) But the lady that was in charge of us. It made my day bad already.
I'm writing this in the morning of the fourth day, I hope to have a good time in the "Disco party" we're having today.