Little Cigars Little Muffins: Racetrack Higgins

Chapter Seven

Every word Race says to me all I can think about is that I am lying to him. Unfortunately everytime I am about to tell him the truth I stop myself with worries. What ifs fill my mind, as I play out scenarios in my head. Not even paying attention to what Race is saying, just watching him entrapped in my own thoughts.
"Your cheeks are flushed are you okay?" Race says yanking me out of my thoughts.
"Not mentally" I say, "but aren't we all".
"No, you look pale. Have you had anything to drink?" Race continues to pressure.
I need to tell him, but what will he say? What will he think of me?
"It's just" I freeze I cannot go through with it, "I haven't talked about my dad's death before. I'm just a little overwhelmed". It isn't a lie, I try not to even think about the scenario. Knowing that if I don't think about my dad's death it can't make me sad. People say you need to talk about things to overcome them, but maybe they are wrong. Maybe if I never mention it or think about it, I never happened. That could work.
"You shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. I'm not going to push you any further but if you need a shoulder to cry on I am here" Race gives a faint smile. Why does he have to be so nice? It would me so much easier to lie to him if he wasn't. Face it I am never going to be able to tell him, it must stay a secret. Yeah, don't think of it as lying, think of it as a secret.
"I was not ready to loose him, the trolley strick got out of control and he didn't come home for dinner. My mom died giving birth, I am not ready to even think about being on my own now" I speak, without even thinking. Of course everything I am saying is true, there is just no filter. "I'm scared Race". I'm crying, tears falling down my face one by one. I never talk about my feelings or ever acknowledge them. Why are they coming out now?
I am suddenly in Race's embrace, soaking his shirt with my tears.
"You're not alone, I'm here. Don't be scared I'll protect you" is all he said. Over and over into my ear, repeating himself until I stop crying.
I look up at him, then back down at his soaked shirt,"Sorry about your shirt".
A Earth shattering laugh escapes his lips, "that is the last thing I am worried about".
You're lying to him, I need to tell him before he finds out for himself. Just do it Y/N he needs to know, it will only get harder as time passes.
"I need to tell you something" I swallow hard.
He takes notice of my sudden change of time and he tilts his head slightly, "anything".
This is it, no more hiding anything. "The main reason I went to the Races is to, pay rent". That is one way to stay steal I guess.
Now he is looking at me with bewilderment, "you didn't even bet".
Right, people do actually make money there sometimes, I guess I need to get more specific. "No, like if someone were to- I don't know". My mind is racing frantically, I need to tell him now, I can't back down. "I steal, a coin or two off some people, just to make rent". I am flinching at my own words, not daring to look up at him.
"Why?" He asks, separating himself from me.
"Rent, the bakery doesn't pay enough to afford it and eat" my voice cracking. Not being able to hold myself back any longer, I stare into his blue orbs, filled with disappointment. "I'm sorry, I should of told you sooner, to save you the hurt of thinking I am a good person".
"No, that doesn't make you a bad person. I steal cigars all the time, but why did you come up with the story about your dad. My parents actually died, and you just made up yours for a charity case" Race speaks harshly.
"My parents still died" I say softly. How could he think so low of me, that I would make up a fake sob story. "Everything else I have told you, has been too true honestly. I don't tell people about my mom's death, and I haven't even begun exploring my father's. I would never lie to you about such a thing" I take in one more deep breath, "I promise".