Open to possibilities pt. 2

Chapter 45

Amelia POV
It's been two days since we brought Cleo home, she is an adorable baby: she cries just for eating and for her diaper change. She is making this very easy for us but Leo is beyond upset. He is not talking to anyone apart from his daughter, he seems defeated and I surprised him crying a couple of times.
I want to talk to him and try to help so I enter his room with Cleo in my arms stating "someone wants daddy's cuddles".
"Thank you" he says taking Cleo in his arms
"You know that at some point you will have to talk again,right?" I ask him
"Not today" he says blankly
"Leo...she feels it. This is not healthy for your kid, please...talk to me"
"Mom...talk to you about what? Her mother left her, she left me! I don't understand why I feel so in love with her and she doesn't. How can someone be so mean?"
"Leo...listen,what she went through is something huge and sometimes,when you are not ready,it might be too much. She will work on herself and maybe,she will come back again"
"Bullshit!" He says angrily "what she went through is what you went through a bunch of times but as we all can see, you didn't run" he says
"I know but...I felt ready and I knew what was expecting me. Listen, giving birth could be incredibly beautiful or incredibly terrifying or both. For her, this has been traumatizing. When you are a little more than a kid and you have to feel that kind of excruciating pain, it's terrifying. She fought hard but I could see how difficult that was for her"
"Dad said that every time you were happy even if in pain"
"I was" I smile "but I would lie if I say that it hasn't been hard for me too"
"Dad made me see our first family photo with Bella...the way the two of you were smiling,mom, with your shining extra white smiles like you couldn't be more in love....my daughter will never have that" he says sadly
"She has a family who is madly in love with her" I say looking at the baby
"Yeah...thank God for you!" He says "you are amazing,mom. She is lucky to have you here, I hope she will be like you when she'll grow up"

Bella POV
I'm sad. My sister Shay is no longer with me. I mean, she is not my sister in the biological way but mom always taught us that biology doesn't matter, love is what matters in life.
"I miss you,sis" I write quickly to her. I know she won't text me back because this is my 56th text.
I drag myself out of bed, we are all sad and emotional
"Hi Cleo..." I whisper to my niece "who is  auntie's big love?! Yeeeees, you are" I say to her touching her nose causing her to giggle- I'm definitely good with kids, I've had a lifetime to practice with my siblings.
The person who is suffering the most right now is mom, she really bonded with Shay, she considered her as one of us so this must be extra painful for her.
"Hey" I tell her entering her room
"Hey bubba" she says inviting me under the covers with her
"How do you feel?"
"I don't know...empty,maybe? Sad? Angry? I honestly don't know" she sighs
"It's not your fault" I try to convince her
"Maybe it is...I gave her so much expectation for that moment. I kept babbling about how incredible that feeling is and how she would have loved the birth and I don't know...I made a mistake"
"I don't think so,mom...you told her what you knew about that" I say firmly
"I'm a Doctor...I've seen dozens of women like her and I just ignored the fact that there are people who don't feel connected to their kid"
"You told her about what you experienced on yourself...much more relevant than what people hear here and there" I console her
"Oh Bella...what would I do without you?" She tells me stroking my cheek
"I love you mom" I answer snuggling to her side- it doesn't matter how old I will be, every time I'm around her I still feel like a little kid: she is my mom, she is my safe place.
"Mom?" I call her
"Yes?!" she says interrogatively
"There is this boy at school who is asking me out like...every day" I say exaggerating
"And?"
"And I don't know...I kinda like him,I guess. He is patient, he started asking right before what happened with Cece and I don't know...I appreciate his patience"
"What is his name?" Mom asks
"Ryan" and my mom froze "what?"
"Nothing...it's just that...Chris' father was named Ryan" she explains
"Oh..." I know how mom struggles when we talk directly or not about Chris. I can imagine why, though...I mean,she loves us so much and not having him around anymore it's heartbreaking for her "I'll tell him no,then" I say
"Don't...it's fine,I'm fine. I hope he will make you feel what my Ryan made me feel" she smiles sweetly
"Do you miss him?"
"Every day" she says "but you know...life happens and you can't stop it. He is with your brother so...it's a little consolation"
"How can you do that?" I ask her
"Do what?"
"This! How did you survive what happened to you,mom?" I ask her
"I survived...for the first five years after I can't say I lived...I just survived. I tried my best to not think about them but guess what? It was impossible. Sometimes I had been angry at Ryan for leaving me alone. I've never been to the cemetery to visit them...auntie Addie wanted me to and we also tried once but the pain was too big...it felt like someone was stabbing me in my heart all over again. I just decided to remember them as the handsome dark haired and blue eyed man and the most beautiful warm soft and cute baby who ever existed" she says scrolling her shoulder "someone called me a bad mother for never visiting his grave but...none can teach someone how to feel pain"
"What about we go to LA?" I suggest
"WHAT?"
"Yeah...you and me" I say simply
"Bella...we have a newborn in this house and Leo is not in his best state of mind!"
"I know...maybe not now but...you know, if you feel like going count me in" I say
"Really?" She asks
"Really" I say exiting her room

Amelia POV
My beautiful daughter wants to come with me to LA. To visit him.
I mean, I know that at a certain point in my life I will have to go but I've never thought it would have been this way.
I miss him. I miss him everyday. And the only thought of going there and sitting in front of his little grave breaks my heart. But this is not going to change. At the beginning I thought that not going there would have lessened the pain but truth to be told, when I think about Christopher the pain is always there. It has definitely changed though: it's not anymore the kind of physical pain I felt back then, it's more like a dull pain that never leaves me.
None can tell you how you are supposed to grieve your child...it's not in the natural course of things for a mother burying her own child.
Bella is right though. I have to go and a part of me wants that too. A part of me is asking to go there everyday since the day of his funeral.
But I have to be brave. I have to be strong. I have to be strong enough and go there to tell him how much I love him.
"Bella and I are coming to visit you next month" I write rapidly to Addison and I send it quickly so that I won't have the chance to change my mind.