Pencil Breaker

A Pencil Breaker's Past

I regret it. I definitely regret it.

There was a boy named Andrew who I officially met in 5th grade.

We lived across the street from each other; I had been walking home with my dad one day in 4th grade and saw him. "He's cute" my little mind thought, though I stayed silent my dad actually said hi to him, unbelievable, it was so embarrassing. My dad just shrugged when I asked him why he did it.  Soon after I was in 5th grade, my best friends and I were in the same class and of course Andrew was also there.

I was in my own little bubble with my friwnds: Mimi, Jackie, Gwen, and Sam. I always played freeze tag with them and boys like Jason and Oliver and went to the park after school to play a game like tag called grounders.

My little bubble popped when Gwen told me to go to the library with her. Of course I went. I went to the small library of my small little town; there was this section for kid's computers, four of them in a square.

I was sitting on the left of one side when Ray, a boy who I was quite close to in the past, came up to the computer across from me with this boy I had always seen but never talked to. Andrew. I didn't think of it as anything and kept playing on the computer until Gwen came up next to me.

I don't remember exactly what Ray said but who would remember something from 10 years ago right? But Ray had confessed to me for Andrew, saying how he had saw me in fourth grade and had "fell in love" with me I was astounded and speechless and looking back now kind of funny. Needless to say I couldn't say anything and afterwards well I don't actually remember...

For the next couple of weeks we had each others phone numbers and texted each other secretly. It was cute, we talked about random stuff. One time while my mom was shopping she had asked me who I was texting and I said I was asking my friend about the homework. Another he said he would scream out his window as loud as he could so I could hear and I obviously would've since he lived three houses down across from me, later it was the same thing with playing the saxophone.

All while this happened Jackie had told me who she liked... guess what coincidentally it was Andrew. I couldn't say much, she knew he liked me and I wasn't sure of my feelings, I didn't know back then. I thought, being the great friend that I was sure I wouldn't like back, that I would definitely try my best to make him fall out of love with me.

We used to eat at this McDonald's or subway near our elementary school and Jackie just never had any money. We lent her sometimes and she gave it back sometimes but most times. Most times when Andrew was there she wasn't hungry then all of a suddenly she was. She would go to take a bite out of his sandwich or fries, it irked me at the time and I didn't know why.

He sat at my table, you know, the four tables in a square, two facing each other and the other two facing next to each other but facing the other tables that sounded really confusing right? Well, almost everyday of the week it was absolutely awful and I cringe when I think back to this. I broke his pencils, his number 2 pencils. I saw one I broke one and he was completely okay with it. He was okay! Who's okay with someone breaking your pencils 24/7. How are you going to explain that to your mom? Oh hey can I get more pencils the girl I like keeps on breaking them?

Yes I do understand if you absolutely hate me I really do. I mean I am the bad guy; the villain in this story, breaking the possessions of the person who likes me was a complete asshole thing to do. Please mind that I was in 5th grade, my 10-year-old mind couldn't comprehend possibly comprehend what was happening.

Well this ends well right? Nope obviously...

Jackie and I were still the "bestest" of by the end of 5th grade. On the last day of school I don't know why but when we were walking to who knows where Andrew came up riding his bike and asked us if we wanted to see his cat. I have no idea if that was code for something but we agreed since his cat was so cute.

I was like woah, I had never actually seen his house up close and when we went in it was... cool. His cat was adorable, he showed us tricks and stuff but he heard a noise upstairs. He panicked and told us to shush, when he heard more noises he continued to push us out of the house. Yeah... I had to put my shoes on outside which really pissed me off, I started to rant about how much I hated him, just oh so much.

Yea sixth grade, I didn't talk to him, didn't try to. It was an awkward situation that both we never wanted to talk about. Jackie moved, to a different continent. I stayed in contact with her for about 3 years? So much for that friendship. After that, I had realized my feelings for Andrew and the stupidness of my actions but I didn't do anything, I just let it go.

In eighth grade Gwen and I ended up hating Jackie after realizing and analyzing what she did when we were younger, taking our money for food, her deceptiveness. Me and Gwen still stayed close but not with the others, we were simply old friends with old memories to laugh about.

That year Andrew was finally in my class, I was still on vacation during the first week of school but when I saw him, I was speechless. He was actually in my class? Are you kidding me I thought. He was the last person I wanted to see, after avoiding him for the past 2 years he's in my class? I regretted it but never actually spoke to him. I spoke to everyone in my class but him, I guess it was something we both didn't want to do.

Eighth grade passed and I moved to a different down, a town actually right next to my old one but it had a better education. Still in contact with Gwen she said she actually talked to him, that he was really funny and nice now. I wanted to ask more but I of course stopped myself. I didn't want to know how he was doing, I was still interested, you never stop liking your first crush even if its just one percent left.

I regret breaking his pencils. I regret being angry with him.

I regret not talking to him most of all.