Embracing The Chaos

Prologue

"Miss Billanuerte, you've always been good at my class, did something happen? You failed your last test, which is unusual."

There are many kinds of students in a class, but there's always that student who tops in all academic subjects. That person is either an object of admiration, or envy.

I belong to the latter. But no matter if I'm a top student, it doesn't make me the least bit happy. I always define success as something that can make your family proud, which is not my case.

"Miss Billanuerte? Are you listening?"

I looked at my adviser, she teaches statistics, which I'm also quite good at, but still failed on my last exam for some reasons.

"Will it affect my scholarship?" I asked her.

"Of course not, bababa lang ng konti grade mo sa subject ko pero kakayanin mo pa naman sigurong bumawi. Is something bothering you, anak?" She asked in her most gentle tone.

I looked away, nothing happened.

"No Ma'am, I couldn't review last time," I told her the most plausible excuse I could give.

She just nodded her head but her eyes still hold suspicions for my strange behavior.

"Kailangan mong i-maintain ang grades mo for your scholarship, lalo na you're running for valedictorian."

I walked through the hallway, still alone as usual. I can feel the eyes of the students and it's making me uncomfortable.

I was heading to the comfort room when a student bumped into me making me hiss in pain.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?"

I ignored him, too focused on my arm that's stinging and entered an empty cubicle. I looked at my sleeves, blood can be seen.

I gritted my teeth as I endured the pain. Fuck, the wounds she inflicted to me this time are big.

I changed my jacket and my bandage, school is not yet over.

I just got home and I was greeted with a warm scene.

I looked at Mama and Renren, she looked so happy while Renée is singing. her eyes were filled with nothing but happiness and adoration, the look she never gave me.

"Ang galing mo talaga, anak. mana ka kay Mama," she joyfully said while pinching her youngest daughter's cheek.

I scoffed. kumanta lang siya, anong magaling diyan?

I'm done trying to impress her and always prioritizing her mood. I was never her favorite anyway.

No matter how hard I try to please her, it will never be enough. Maybe I was adopted, this possibility will always appear in my mind.

I'm not good at expressing my feelings, I used to play a lot before but as I grow up, I can't like the things that used to entertain me anymore.

I'm always secluded from the rest. But I don't mind, it's tiring to keep pleasing the people around you, kung ayaw nila sa akin, edi 'wag.

"They said cigar can ease your stress," I heard one of my classmates.

"Nagsisigarilyo ka, Dina?"

"Minsan lang. Patay ako kapag nalaman ng pamilya ko."

"Asriel, alam mo ba kung anong sagot dito?" My seatmate asked.

I nodded.

"Pakopya naman."

Umiling ako, "No."

Pinaghihirapan ko 'to tapos kokopyahin niya lang? We're not even close.

"Tangina, damot mo." She rolled her eyes.

"I can teach you if—"

"Ayoko! Wala nga akong alam dito. Ang hirap hirap kaya pakopyahin mo na lang sana ako."

I narrowed my eyes at her, "Are you going to copy people's answers forever? You might as well not study."

"Anong sabi mo—"

"Tama na, Ash! Ganyan talaga 'yan, matalino nga masungit naman, kaya wala siyang kaibigan."

I turned my back on them, there's no use communicating with these people.

I passed by a store outside the campus during lunch and saw students smoking discreetly, I stop when someone drop his cigarette in front of me.

"Pwedeng paabot?" A student asked and showed me his sprained ankle.

Bakit pa kasi nagsisigarilyo, hindi na nga makalakad nang maayos.

I picked it up while staring at it intently and was about to hand it over when he grinned at me shyly.

"Gusto mong subukan?" Nag-abot siya ng bagong stick.

"Asriel?!"

She looked at the cigarette in my hand, her face contorted in anger. the veins in her forehead bulging as she glared at me.

Bakit siya nandito?

"Anong ginagawa mo?!" Lumapit si mama sa 'kin at binigyan ako ng malakas na sampal.

I held my cheek. Tangina ang sakit no'n a. I can taste the metallic taste of blood.

"Nag cu-cutting ka? para ano, para mag sigarilyo? nababaliw ka na!" She yelled as she stared at me with loathsome in her eyes. Like she's facing the biggest disappointment in her life.

"Ah ano po kasi.." The student spoke up but he was cut off by her glare.

"Ganyan ba mga kinakasama mo? Mga bulakbol!"

The guy looked like he was offended, his eyes narrowed while looking at my mother.

Huminga ako nang malalim, "Gusto ko na umuwi."

She snorted, "Ngayon alam mo na kung paano mahiya?" She said and grabbed me to our old car our grandparents gave to us.

Hindi ako sumagot at tumingin na lang sa bintana. Pagkarating namin sa bahay ay para akong papatayin ni mama sa tingin niya.

"Asriel, wala ka na bang gagawing maganda? ano pa ba'ng kulang? pinapakain ka naman namin nang maayos, bakit ganito ang isusukli mo sa 'kin?"

I met her scornful gaze, "Pasensya na po."

Umiling siya, "Hindi pwede 'to. grounded ka ng isang linggo. subukan mo lang na suwayin ako, alam mo na ang mangyayari," A trace of malice danced in her eyes as she threatened me.

An image of a dark closet flashed in my mind. I shivered, "Opo."

"Good."

"Mama," A cheerful voice echoed above us. I looked at Renée who look pretty and delicate in her pink dress. A gentle and kind smile is hanging on her curled lips as she made her way downstairs.

Mama's expression warmed up as she looked at her loving daughter, A look of pampering and indulgence as if she's looking at her most treasured gift.

"Ate," Renée looked at me and smiled. I just nodded.

"Anak, kain na tayo," Hinila ni mama ang braso ng bunso niya.

"Pero si ate—" Renée turned to me hesitantly.

"Asriel, hindi ka muna kakain ngayong gabi. magkulong ka sa kwarto mo at pag isipan mong mabuti kung paano maging mabuting anak kagaya ni Renée," She coldly said and left me alone.

'Yan na yata ang pinaka-mahirap, una pa lang talo na ako diyan.

Siya lang naman gusto niyo.